Happy birthday, America! Egypt's military going all out in its sacking of the Muslim Brotherhood, calling for the arrest of its leader mere hours after ousting Islamist president Mohamed Morsi in a coup preceded by days of intensifying protests. Morsi was a pain for secularists, making enemies with a series of power grab rulings—but his coup raises, all the same, about the nascent democracy in a country long ruled by autocrats.

Happy birthday, America! The guy in charge now, Adli Mansour, is a little-known judge and probably dancing to some general or another's tune.

Happy birthday, America! The worst part of the national ruination charitably named "Obamacare"—a requirement that businesses provide healthcare to the people lucky enough to serve the nation by serving hamburgers and entering data—has been pushed back until after the 2014 midterm elections. Nice try, Dumb-o-crats! Get it? Dumb-o-crats! HAW HAW HAW.

Happy birthday, America! Remember Afghanistan? Hidden bombs killed six kids in the occupied, civil-war-torn country—four girls who stepped on a hidden bomb while fetching water during a wedding party and two boys who tripped a roadside device. Civilian casualties, blamed on insurgents, keep going up and up—led by a rise in the deaths of children.

Happy birthday, America! Twelve protesters injured by cops during Occupy Oakland protests in 2011—including a 52-year-old divinity student whose hearing was damaged—will split $1 million in legal payouts.

Happy birthday, America! Ron Wyden and Mark Udall—senators who've long winked and nodded that the NSA was over-reaching with pervasive digital spying, programs eventually revealed in Edward Snowden's leaks—are calling out the White House for spinning baloney about its not-so-magnanimous decision to shut down a massive Internet surveillance in 2011.

Happy birthday, America! The beloved brother of one of those senators, Randy Udall, was found dead days after he was supposed to return from a weeklong mountain hike.

Happy birthday, America! The White House tried to "push dirt" on one of its loudest congressional critics—urging reporters, just before Darrell Issa ascended to a prominent investigative committee, to sample the ample negative stories in Issa's past.

Happy birthday, America! The national anti-choice playbook is spreading, like clockwork, across the country's statehouses. North Carolina just did a lot of what Texas wants to do: banning insurance from paying for abortion and imposing draconian registration restrictions on clinics.

Happy birthday, America! Rupert Murdoch was caught on tape, in a secret recording, admitting his company's news reporters paid cops for tips and crapping on an inquiry into widespread phone hacking and bribery.