GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine, I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky. LET'S GO TO PRESS.
TODAY IN GAAAAH: In India, 21 children die with two dozen more ill when their school lunches are tainted with insecticide.
Federal Reserve chairman Ben S. Bernanke says that the nation's economy is being undermined by the idiots in congress. (He didn't say "idiots," I did. But I believe that was the subtext.)
San Diego mayor Bob Filner refuses calls to step down after being stone-cold busted on several sexual harassment charges including aggressive groping and kissing. If he doesn't step down, he won't be the first. Ahem.
In local scandal, Multnomah County board Chairman Jeff Cogen admits to having an extra-marital affair with a policy advisor in the county health department. He also has no intention of resigning.
The jury in the botched George Zimmerman trial are still arguing—with one claiming that Zimmerman didn't do anything wrong, while four others claiming the first juror is an idiot and should shut the fuck up. (Again, subtext.)
After applying for temporary asylum in Russia, NSA leaker Edward Snowden will be leaving the airport "in the next few days," according to his lawyer. Don't forget to get me a Cinnebun!
Here's something interesting: Cuba sends their missiles and weapons to North Korea to get repaired. Okay... so does Sweden fix their Volvos?
Sketchers pays customers a $40 million settlement after claiming that their shoes will make butts look like Kim Kardashian's. Do they offer any shoes that won't do that?
Rolling Stone magazine puts accused Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on their cover, and people are understandably OUTRAGED. Yeah, where's the picture of Eric Clapton or some other 98-year-old rocker going to go?
Packs of marauding teens terrorize Hollywood, furious over the George Zimmerman acquittal... and because some teens are just jerks.
Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Clouds will break, and we can expect a sunny 83 degrees today with temps heating up by the weekend.
And finally... BACKSTREET'S BACK, ALRIGHT!