I'm on vacation this week but the "Savage Love Letter of the Day"—a.k.a. "SLLOTD"—must go on! Subbing for me this week...
Chris Savage is an industrial chemist by day and Michigan's most widely read progressive political blogger the rest of the time. His work covering Michigan's take over by corporatist Republicans has been featured on MSNBC, The Nation magazine, the New York Times Magazine and beyond. Rachel Maddow calls Chris's blog Eclectablog "The indispensable Michigan politics source—the essential Michigan blog". And get this: His last name is "Savage." That makes Chris the natural and obvious choice to take over the "SLLOTD" in my absence. In addition to his writing, Chris is a local organizer for the Michigan Democratic Party where work is already underway to return control of the state government to Democrats in 2014. He also coordinates a community garden that provides (literally) tons of fresh produce to a local food bank. Chris is married to photographer Anne C. Savage. They live on their suburban homestead just outside of Ann Arbor with their cat and pit bull where they tend a large organic garden. You can follow Chris on Twitter (@Eclectablog) and his Facebook page.
Chris will be answering your questions all week. This is his first crack at sex-and-relationship advice so… be gentle with him in the comments, okay? –Dan
Hello Dan. I'm a 19 year-old female in a straight GGG relationship with my boyfriend of 9 months. Neither of us have had sex. Before meeting me, he was absolutely a wait-until-marriage kind of guy. He is game for anything that doesn't include down-there penetration, so we frequently engage in all sorts of frisky teenagerish dry-humping/frottage/anything that isn't actually vaginal or anal sex.
Since meeting me, he's become comfortable with the idea of having sex before marriage, but he wants to wait a loooong time. I'm comfortable with this because he is without a doubt a man worth waiting for.
However, two days ago, there was an issue. After he returned from a 5-day trip, we got WAY too frisky in the shower, and with the slipperiness, awkward positioning in the bathtub, and hormones raging out of control, there was brief, painful vaginal penetration.
I would have gotten over it the moment it stopped hurting, but he is beside himself. He is upset about hurting/'violating' me, angry at himself for not keeping it under control, and grief stricken that this is how we 'lost' our virginities.
I've tried explaining that I don't feel violated or like any less of a virgin. My hymen broke a long time ago, and honestly the shower-incident was so painful, quick, and unexpected that it hardly qualified as actual sex. And it was an accident that we were both complicit in. But he won't seem to listen to my reasoning. He is distraught.
I'm worried about how this will effect us sexually and emotionally. I really wish this was one of those things where it might just blow over, but even two days after it happened I'm getting the feeling that it most definitely won't. How do I rebuild trust after something like this? I know many couples experience mildly traumatizing sexual mishaps, and how do both parties move on from them?
Accidental Shower Sex
My response after the jump...
Well, ASS, given that the two of you were completely naked in the shower together when you "accidentally" got poked, especially since you two already seem to have had plenty of sexual experiences together of the non-penetrating kind (including what was happening right before you had "accidental" shower sex), I'm going to put you both in the category of "not virgins" even before he deflowered you. The reality is that sex involves everything from fully clothed dry humping to BDSM orgies and everything in between. Nothing makes the act of penetration particularly sacrosanct so why would it require waiting a loooong time before you can engage in it but not all that other stuff you do? It's just one more sexual act in a long continuum of fun sex that you can have.
This attitude reminds me of Michigan Republicans: they tell us that they aren't fucking us with their anti-women laws, their anti-worker laws, and their "tax the poor to give tax breaks to the rich" laws. But, the reality is, yeah, they're fucking us.
As far as how to get your man out of his head on this, try refocusing it on something else. For men, this is embarrassingly easy. Start teasing that future day (after he's waited the requisite " loooong" time, of course) when he will truly violate you to your mutual, orgasmic pleasure. Some day when he's not expecting it, whisper in his ear, "I can't wait until for the day you REALLY violate me…" The next time he's on a business trip, sext him something like "I am aching for when I lose my [insert sex act you haven't done yet] virginity to you…" Slip a note into his wallet that says "This coupon redeemable for 1 hour of me, naked, doing whatever you tell me to while you fuck me."
My guess is he'll forget that shower scene in a throbbing heartbeat.
P.S. "Accidental" sex can lead to STDs and unwanted pregnancies, too. Get tested for both.