ELYSIUM The latest from the director of District 9! Will it sock you in the gut and/or brain as hard as District 9 did? Well, probably not. But it's still really good—ambitious and fun and weird and remarkable to look at—so you should see it.
BLUE JASMINE New Woody Allen! And Zac says it's one of his really good ones! I feel like we should all have a party whenever Woody Allen makes a really good one these days. "Woodystock," we could call it, and it could have jazz and lobsters and wow did I really just type "Woodystock," god I hate myself, let's just move on as soon as possib—
LOVELACE Marjorie was disappointed in this biopic about the infamous pornstar/anti-porn activist—and she also inexplicably neglected to mention that in addition to James Franco playing Hugh Hefner, Seth Cohen from The O.C. plays Harry Reems. WHAT? MARJORIE??? In light of this crucial and wildly disappointing omission, Marjorie will never review a film for the Mercury again.
BLACKFISH It's a damning, terrifying, remarkable documentary, and it'll make you want to burn SeaWorld to the goddamn ground. But that's not all: Blackfish brings enough fucked-up evidence about marine parks to light that when the people at Pixar saw it, they decided to change the ending to Finding Nemo 2.
PLANES Speaking of Pixar, here's a wet, rotten lump of moldy leftovers that Disney found in the back of Pixar's fridge! So they stuck it in the microwave and poured it onto a plate and here you go, kids! Planes! Denis saw it because Denis has kids. Ha! Serves you right for having kids, Denis! (Keep an eye out for Disney's upcoming Toy Tales!)
WE'RE THE MILLERS Marjorie reviewed this before she made that terrible omission in her Lovelace review, so you can't hold me accountable for another Marjorie review being here, even though I just said she'd never review a movie for us again. I mean from here on. Right now. From this point on, no more Marjorie reviews. This movie has Jennifer Aniston in it? Anyway.
PERCY JACKSON AND THE SOMETHING SOMETHING EHHHHHhhhh Look, not every kid with powers is as cool as Harry Potter. So this is what you get now, little nerdlings. Sorry. Maybe try sports?