It's that time again! It's time for Apple to release the newest, most incrediblest, revolutionariest piece of technology ever shown by guys wearing jeans on stage. Don't worry, you don't need to watch to announcement because I've tracked all the most accurate analysis, speculation, rumor, leak, and made-up nonsense and I'm here to give you the full announcement preview!
Introducing the iPhone 5S
Apple will continue their trend of releasing the phone they wished they had last year and putting an "S" after the number to stand for "Sooner or later". The phone will look pretty much the same on the outside, but with a bunch of fixes to problems that they denied existing on the previous version.
The 5sssss (it's impossible to see it and not picture a snake making the announcement) will be the first phone to ship with the new iOS 7 announced back in June. Lube up your eyes because they're about to get reamed with color.
Black, white, and… gold all over?
Speaking of colors, one of the more interesting rumors is Apple's revolutionary idea to have a phone be a color other than black or white! We all know Apple invented the color white a couple years after the first iPhone came out, but now they're going to do it all over again by painting a phone gold! Don't worry, they'll leave a small hole at the base of the phone's spine so it doesn't suffocate.
Rumors have suggested either gold or champagne colored, but either way, it's something the Apple board is well experienced with. Other case designs the team experimented with: $100 bill green and something called "Suicide Net Brown." [Update: Apple's PR sent me a correction: The actual color was "Happy Fun Time Net For Well Paid Employees STOP CRYING Brown."]
Thumb print scanner?
Finally a way to keep your kid from charging $10k to your iTunes account while you're having Candy Crush babysit him. Note: This will not happen.
A revolutionary, miraculous, physically impossible, improved camera.
A tiny bit faster? Better flash? Don't worry, you'll still be able to undo all the improvements with a simple Instagram filter.
There's always at least one surprise at these iCircleJerks. Last year they replace Google maps with Apple maps. My prediction: this time they're replacing YouTube with iTube. It'll look pretty nice and none of the videos are where you expect them to be.