Originally published July 27, 2006:
I met a guy through a BDSM chatroom. It seemed like the perfect no-risk adventure sex—he's dom, I'm sub; he's sexy as all get-out, I'm fat in all the places he likes girls to be fat. So we hook up. But instead of the one-time adventure I was expecting, we hook up again and again. We talk for hours on the phone and hang out naked watching TV and eating Chinese food. It's been a couple of months now, and I really like this guy. Usually "dom" guys are not people I would want to spend five minutes with outside of the bedroom. But we seem to go effortlessly from friends and equals to mind-shatteringly orgasmic power-exchange fucking, which always seems to end up sweet and slow and feeling a lot more like lovemaking.
Should I just let things be good and enjoy it and see where it goes? Or should there be an official "this is now a relationship and I am opening myself up to the possibility of a future with you" discussion? I am just so terrified of being dismissed as a potential partner because of the way we met. What if men (or at least this man) can have not just casual sex without feeling attached, but also casual naked Chinese without feeling attached—as long as they have already classified the woman in their head as a fantasy-fulfillment booty call?
Sex Crazed Adventures Rarely Evolve Development
My response after the jump...
If you want to scare this boy off, SCARED, then sit his ass down for an Official Discussion (OD) and unilaterally upgrade this thing from fantasy-fulfillment booty calls to Serious Relationship. No one—men, women, gay, straight, kinky, vanilla—likes to be informed that they are now, like it or not, and without any prior consultation, entangled in a Very Serious Relationship.
Even if this boy is open to getting serious—if he's not the kind of guy who would rule you out because of how you met—eight weeks is way too soon for an OD and it could put him on the defensive, making him view any future mind-shatteringly orgasmic power-exchange fuck sessions as some sort of implied commitment, one that he may not be ready to make. It that happens, you can say goodbye to both the fuck sessions and the possibility of a future.
However, you should let him know how you're feeling, SCARED, and you can do it without tossing down lightning bolts like "this is now a relationship." Try something simpler and sweeter, something truthful but less thunderclappy, something like: "I'm totally digging you as a dom, which I expected after our chats, and also as a person, which I totally didn't expect. I hope we can keep on fucking and hanging out." He'll catch your drift, I guarantee you, and he'll appreciate your ability to let things develop naturally and without any hurry-up ODs. Then chill the fuck out, enjoy the sex and the Chinese, and see where it goes.
Finally, SCARED, if this guy is the type who would dismiss you as a potential partner because of how you met, well, you really can't do anything about that, can you? It would be extremely foolish for him to dismiss you for that reason, though—and if he does, SCARED, you can tell him I said so. It's rare for a truly kinky person to meet someone with whom he's sexually and emotionally compatible. (Am I right, kinksters?) If this dom boy has any sense at all he's already picturing a future with you.