The most important news first! The people working for a better food future at McDonald's have begun testing out a "Blitz Box" of ready-made, expertly spiced, moist, and sumptuous delights—two quarter-pounders, one 10-pack of McNuggets, and two medium fries (that you can easily dump out into one convenient mountain of potatoes, tallow, and salt!). It has almost as many calories as people who died on September 11, which is, I assume, why everyone wrote about it yesterday, days after it actually came out. The downside? It's only in the Kansas City market. For now.

Vladimir Putin put his name on an guest column in today's New York Times, batting back the idea that America is "exceptional," making a stirring case for the United Nations and the rule of international law, and painting Syria's civil war as an internal conflict the world would only make worse. (Except, unless, if you're Russia and your arms shipments have been one of the main reasons why Syria's government remains nominally in power.)

Other countries, meanwhile, have been feeding arms to the jihadis and assorted ne'er-do-wells fighting Syria's government. And now the United States is among them. Light weapons and munitions and other gear have begun flowing to rebels.

John Kerry, the American secretary of state, has arrived in Geneva for a quickly planned huddle over his accidental-but-Russia-endorsed idea of letting Syria give up its chemical weapons in exchange for not having to say hello to Tomahawk missiles. Kerry has come armed with a series of tests designed to suss out how serious Syria and Russia really are.

If I were North Korea, I'd be thinking this was the PERFECT opportunity to restart a certain weapons-grade nuclear reactor. Just saying!

Al-Jazeera is ready to drop some legal thunder over Egypt's abuse of its journalists—jamming satellite transmissions, shutting down its offices, and deporting staffers, all because the news network had the temerity to cover the government's slaughter of Muslim Brotherhood protesters.

Yahoo's CEO has offered an excuse for her company's complicity in the National Security Agency's widespread digital snooping: She didn't want to wind up on Orange is the New Black.

Here's how a racist "never forgets" September 11: He piles gas-soaked Qurans in a barbecue—enough for everyone killed!—and tries to light them on fire.

The stress of airport security forced a seven-months pregnant women into premature labor. But with tender help from security agents, the 28-year-old managed to safely give birth to twins. Twin kilos of cocaine, to be exact.

Catholic priests—the few who are left—might finally join the modern world and get to have hetero-normative, nondeviant sex on the legit. Thanks, Pope Francis!

Large swings in state test scores are adding new fuel to a cheating scandal at Northeast Portland's King School.

Some asshole in Tokyo has already lined up to buy a new iPhone. Ten or so days away. With a tent, table, and electronic devices. Yes, he's live tweeting, all unmolested by police and cheerful. Yes, homelessness advocates and protesters in Portland and everywhere else should probably take note.

The soft voices and jolly bellies of older men has a wellspring: their bodies' ample stores of estrogen.