1. Don't hit someone in the face with your umbrella. Be aware of your umbrella's edges at all times. When walking down a busy sidewalk, lift the umbrella up to allow others to pass under it safely. Others reserve the right to yell UMBRELLA! very loudly at anyone who does not do this.

2. Do not hold up pedestrian traffic to open or close your umbrella. Not even for a second! I know, I know, it's raining, but get the fuck out of the way.

3. Do not use your smartphone while carrying an umbrella. What!? Seriously?! Yes. If you're looking down at your phone—texting, e-mailing, whatever—you're not paying attention to your surroundings and you're not making sure that you won't be smacking someone in the eye with the pointy bits of your umbrella. If you want to carry an umbrella, you've got to sacrifice your tweeting.

4. Don't shake the water off your umbrella around other people. C'mon, man, that's just rude. (YET IT HAPPENED TO ME ON THE BUS THIS MORNING.)

And here's another idea: I propose that the city hand out buttons for people to pin on every person who hits them with their umbrella. When someone collects 10 pins, they lose umbrella privileges for the season. If it's a tourist who collects 10 pins, they are BANNED FROM PORTLAND FOREVER.

Have any other suggestions for the umbrella carriers? Hopefully we can get through the wet season without someone losing an eye.