"I'm happily married," says Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, classily addressing, on live television, rumors of oral sex with a former female staffer. "I've got more than enough to eat at home."

Andy Kaufman is comedy's Elvis. A woman claiming to be his secret daughter appeared at an awards ceremony where Kaufman's brother purported to confirm never-ending rumors that the comedian faked his own death.

Reports of mayhem continue swirling around the Philippine cities absolutely wrecked by Typhoon Haiyan—in some cases getting in the way of relief operations. It's also come to light that Ikea has pledged more aid to the country than China—a neighbor locked in a simmering standoff with the Philippines over their shared borders.

An exasperated John Kerry "absolutely cannot fuckin' BELIEVE Congress is trying to scuttle my goddamned nuke deal with the fuckin' Iranians because of some stupid typical Republican bullshit! Why do I even bother? Let's just burn the whole fuckin' thing down and press the red button for the Iranians so we can save them the trouble of doing it themselves. Jesus."

WikiLeaks leaked (it's what they do) draft copies of a hush-hush trans-Pacific trade treaty (with chilling implications for drug prices and intellectual property rights), complete with handwritten notes showing what looks like where each of the countries negotiating the thing might be leaning.

Major tech companies—like Microsoft and Facebook and AT&T—have been helping the Koch Brothers and their ilk funnel millions into plans to grow a national network of right-wing think tanks meant to provide intellectual cover for policies that wreck the planet and hurt workers.

Snapchat, courting lucrative corporate takeover bids, refused a $3 billion offer from Facebook because it's convinced it can get even better.

Barack Obama, throwing a bone to brick-shitting congressional Democrats, is about to let you keep your current lousy insurance policy for another year.

The Secret Service continues to count alleged horndogs and/or sociopaths among its ranks.

Mobster Whitey Bulger, in custody after some 16 years on the lam, has been sentenced to spend his remaining few years locked up in prison.

The mystery grocer heading to increasingly fancy MLK and NE Alberta, in a Portland urban renewal plan that's greatly annoyed neighbors and raised questions about city priorities in the face of East Portland's continued disinvestment, has been identified as Trader Joe's.

Scientists have proven that humans came from Mars, fleeing to Earth with large terraforming manifolds after wrecking our first home, once so lush and wet, with rapacious disregard for the fragile ecosystem that so improbably birthed us.