Now that I'm married, I'm only allowed to hang out with other married people (legally). Which is all fine and good except married couples say some of the most annoying things I've ever heard.
The worst one is "We are pregnant." It's annoying not just because it means we won't be able to hang out with them anymore (parents can only hang out with other parents [legally]) but also because I know where babies come from. I don't remember the part in freshman bio where the teacher said, "Normally in humans the female gives birth to the young, but if the mating pair is progressive enough, they somehow both manage to simultaneously carry the fetus."
The same thing happens when people root for sports teams. "We scored!" Did we? You spilled nacho cheese on yourself in the middle of that play and proceeded to lick it off your shirt because "3 second rule." You're still going to give yourself the assist, huh?
It's only ever positive things. "We scored." "We're having a baby." Never "We choked in 4th quarter" or "We're really hoping this baby fixes our problems communicating." And it only ever starts at the pregnancy itself. You never hear "We're pregnant. You see, we put our penis inside our vagina. And then we came and our sperm met up with our egg. Well, just to clarify. 50% of us came. The rest of us had to finish ourselves off quietly after 'we' fell asleep."
New parents are like recruiters for the cult. Once couples stop telling us about how they're pregnant, they start saying "Oh, you should have kids! It's great!" We want to have kids eventually, but it's so weird to pressure somebody into that. We're not pandas. Have you seen the lines for good brunch places? We're good on humans at the moment.
Almost as annoying is the phrase "I married my best friend." No, ya didn't. You married your boyfriend. Boyfriend is ABOVE best friend. Here's the whole ranking system: Boyfriend > Best friend > Friend with benefits > Friend > Facebook friend > Frenemy > Fox & Friends.
If my best friend asked me to watch Gilmore Girls, I'd tell him to go to hell. But for somebody I'm sleeping with, the first couple seasons seem like a reasonable investment, and those shits are an hour long. Expressed as a formula, Boyfriend = best friend (for now) + humping + shitty TV.
What you're really saying when you say "I married my best friend" is "I don't have other friends besides this one, so I thought I'd lock it down while I could."