Good morning friends, family, lovers, enemies, cats, dogs, etc., and welcome to the television event of right now! Put off some of your holiday obligations and hang out with me for the next few hours.
8:56 I'll be watching on NBC. And fair warning, I haven't had a lot of coffee yet.
9:00 Here we go! Bearded Matt Lauer had emerged from the depths of New York City. He kind of sounds like he hates his life. I like him.
9:02 Upside down rolling drummers! HOLY FUCK. This parade is not playing.
9:05 Al Roker beard update: present. Carry on.
9:08 My friend just texted "WAS THAT PEETA?" I think we're seeing Peeta everywhere these days. <3
9:11 Balloon update: "THE BALLOONS WILL FLY!" Thank you, balloon gods/Al Roker. Fingers crossed that the balloons break free and Spongebob and Snoopy take over Manhattan.
9:13 Motown: The Musical! Those ladies must be freezing in their gorgeous little dresses. The men get sleeves! Sexist? PS I love this.
9:18 Al Roker said that there are three and a half million people watching this on the streets of NYC. That's more people than live in Oregon! Just in case you felt significant.
9:20 Oh god I cannot wait for Matilda the Musical to start touring. This is beyond adorable. Revolting children? Hardly! My ovaries are emitting excited puffs of dust.
9:23 I DEMAND ALL OF THOSE MATILDA KIDS. EVEN THE ONES WHO ARE ACTUALLY 30.
9:27 Bearded Al Roker doesn't give a fuck.
9:30 I missed the name of this show but everybody is wearing shiny heeled boots so either this is the best fever daydream ever or the best musical concept ever.
9:34 In personal news, my hair is being exceptionally uncooperative and overnight I developed a monster zit on my chin so, yeah, I'm looking forward to impressing everybody in my extended family later this afternoon.
9:35 Cool sweater, Pippin. NOT.
9:37 Pippin seems adequately gaybones but I'm not really into it. Plenty of people can walk on their hands. Yawn.
9:42 I will not acknowledge the sacrilegious remake of The Sound of Music with Carrie Underwood that this parade keeps pimping. I will not. Starting now.
9:44 Stop saying "hashtag," Al Roker! It makes me feel weird.
9:45 Stop saying everything, Carrie Underwood.
9:47 This parade is not lacking in grown-ass men wearing knee-socks.
9:50 Text update from my mom: My aunt is singing along.
9:53 Do you guys follow Dr. Ruth on twitter? You should. "Spiderman was partially deflated at Macy's Parade. Unlike some men Spidey didn't use that as an excuse to give up!"
9:54 Shut up it's the Rockettes.
9:55 KICKING! KICKING! KICKING! Is 31 too old to become a Rockette? I'm going to lie to myself for the next couple of minutes.
9:59 We now enter the parade segment of the parade. Look at all that confetti! Spared no expense.
10:01 You know how when you see one squirrel it's cute, but when you see like 20 together it's scary as fuck and you're pretty sure you're about to be murdered? That's how I feel about marching band nerds.
10:03 These balloons are like 10 feet off the ground.
10:06 I love these pilgrim floats that remind me of the history of Thanksgiving and this story about how Jamestown settlers probably ate each other.
10:08 "Lady Gaga-inspired mad tea party." :|
10:12 This is a song called "Kindness Counts" and if the goal is to make us want to be nice to one another it's not working.
10:16 Kellie Pickler's song is called "A Little Bit Gypsy." Yes, I am sure this wealthy blond woman relates to the experiences historically marginalized Roma people. But just a little bit!
10:21 Jimmy Fallon and The Roots and Sesame Street and kazoos! :D :D
10:23 I know these flag team girls try their hardest to sex up the marching band but...
10:28 The only all-male clogging group in the world is on my tv right now. They are clogging up a storm! clicky clicky clicky clicky
10:29 Our world only needs two Chers: Cher, and Cher from Clueless. Stop trying to be a Cher, British pop star.
10:31 Ugh more pop country garbage. Smoke break.
10:42 Good news: I'm back! Did you guys know it's really nice outside? Please don't leave me.
10:43 Fun fact: the Peanut Man was based on a drawing by a 14 year old boy, but another artist added the top hat and jacket, which are really the most interesting aspects of Mr. Peanut, so thanks for nothing, kid.
10:47 How do you get into the Marine marching band? Do you have to be a Marine? Like are all of these people trained in combat? I bet they could fuck somebody up good with those tubas.
10:48 When these kids formed this band The Summer Set, I bet they were like "we're gonna get so laid on this South Dakota float." ROCK AND ROLL.
10:50 The low-flying Ronald McDonald balloon is poised to eat all of the children in the parade.
10:54 JUMPROPE TEAM. WHY DID I NOT MAJOR IN JUMPROPING IN COLLEGE. FUCK THIS WASTED LIFE.
10:55 Apparently when I went outside a 12-year-old girl fell down?!? I miss everything cool!
10:57 You know what? I am over Matt Lauer's salty attitude. Yeah, dude, it sucks you have to work on Thanksgiving, but also, you're rich. I put my Thanksgiving groceries on a credit card. Go to hell.
10:59 Santa's blond elf Kristin Chenoweth is singing "New York, New York" on a surfing float. I am so confused.
11:03 Cirque de Soleil is bringing the whimsy for a change.
11:05 A How to Train Your Dragon balloon! This is my favorite balloon.
11:09 I don't know why I thought I could put together a simple vegetarian stuffing while also live-blogging. I am dumb.
11:13 Too many pom-poms. Oh, and Joan Jett. OBVIOUSLY. She sure loves rock and roll, doesn't she.
11:22 The little guy with the baton is adorable. He reminds me of Peeta.
11:24 Fallout Boy update: Fallout Boy is still together, apparently.
11:26 Clearly, the Chicago drill team is not flinging real guns into the air, but it still. Weird.
11:31 Controversial opinion: marching bands are booooring.
11:33 Who the shit is this new Justin Bieber rip-off? Keep him away from harem pants and monkeys.
11:34 Thank you Adventure Time balloon for taking that fluffy-haired tween off my screen.
11:39 Joey Fatone + Michael Bolton + Texas = this dude.
11:40 Uh where the shit is the middle of the sleigh? Somebody is fired.
11:41 This group is singing in the Cherokee language. I'm no expert but I believe it translates roughly into "thanks for the smallpox motherfuckers. We're coming for you."
11:45 THAT'S Ariana Grande?! She is the most boringly attractive young woman ever.
11:48 I hope Sharon Jones and Joan Jett party together once this nonsense is over.
11:54 I loved Megan Hilty on Smash. Yeah I said it. I watched Smash. I hate this song, though. I hate a lot of Christmas songs. And Christmas stuff. Why am I watching this parade?
11:56 When I was in high school I was trying to record a tape off of some punk rock cd, and after the cd was over it automatically started the next cd in my family's stereo, which was Manheim Steamroller. So somewhere out there there is a cassette of 80% NOFX, 20% Christmas techno.
12:00 IT'S SANTA! A fat white guy that judges your lifestyle and manages the distribution of wealth is on tv for a change! THE END.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Thanks so much for hanging out with me. Have a wonderful holiday!