Clearly the most important news item in the multiverse this morning: Pope Francis, making his rounds in the PopeMobile, blessed a male porn star's parrot. The parrot is named "Amore." Hopefully the parrot fares better than one of the white doves Francis released a days before. It was nearly eaten by a marauding crow in front of thousands of pilgrims.

A Ukrainian protester, missing for days, surfaces with claims he was kidnapped and crucified by pro-Russia forces—showing off the nail holes in his hands to prove it. The protesters have now been occupying Kiev's city hall (and government buildings all across Ukraine) for two months as a beef about the country's political leanings—a tug of war between Europe and Russia—escalated into rage over a bad economy and authoritarian crackdowns. Here's a delightful summation, so you can hold forth with rare confidence (for you!) at your next dinner party.

China is insisting, in the face of American indignation, that it did NOT deport a New York Times journalist who had to leave the country for Taiwan while waiting six months for a new visa. China's been a big, sore jerk about visas for Bloomberg and NYT reporters ever since the outlets ran stories about the stunning personal wealth quietly amassed by two of the country's top leaders.

The newest attacks in Egypt's political civil war—between long-repressed Islamists and the hard-line generals who sent them packing after only a few months in power—bear the tell-tale marks of foreign fighters. As in, Al-Qaida.

Afghanistan's president, Hamid Karzai, really hated that the United States was fronting a series of opinion polls ahead of the country's upcoming presidential election—figuring, not unreasonably, that it was part of an effort to oust him and overcome his resistance to an enduring American occupation. But since Karzai complained, funding for the polls has mysteriously vanished.

Major corporations will humor President Obama by announcing new ways to hide what's been their obvious bias against job applicants battling back from years of unemployment in the wake of a ground-shaking recession and anemic economic recovery.

An immigration-reform breakthrough could be nigh. The president has joined immigration-rights advocates in tentatively embracing GOP legislative "principles" that provide "legal status" to millions of undocumented immigrants but stop short of granting full-on citizenship.

Amanda Knox answers her murder conviction in absentia in an Italian court: "vaffanculo!"

If the feds have their way, Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev will be executed. Surprisingly, because this is Boston, only 33 percent of respondents told a newspaper poll they wanted final vengeance against Tsarnaev. Most were okay with him rotting in prison until death comes naturally.

Trayvon Martin's killer, George Zimmerman, is going to participate in a "celebrity" boxing match for charity. "Celebrities" are already lining up to gleefully give Zimmerman a good licking.