A teachers' strike is so close, everybody. If no progress is made this weekend, we could see the first walkout in the history of the Portland Public Schools begin Thursday. Both sides in the contract dispute say they're optimistic, but we've heard that before.

Since you're too lazy to scroll down two—TWO—posts, here's a link to a story about Mayor Charlie Hales' sparkling new campaign to keep the city's water and sewer utilities in city council's hands. It's called "Stop the Bull Run Takeover."

If you woke up REALLY early and care about hockey, you're no doubt joining the ranks of everyone on twitter in either rejoicing over the US men's hockey team's victory over Russia this morning or grumbling that it had to be decided by a shootout. I saw the movie Miracle, so I get it. Have your fun.

One sincerely hopes, though, that the game does not have consequences for the suffering populace of Syria. Peace talks in Geneva have reportedly failed, in part because of the US and Russia butting heads.

The difficulty of finding a legitimate bank has long been a hurdle for peddlers of legal pot. No more, apparently. As much as you have a right to gripe about his record around drone attacks, press leaks and NSA snooping (to say nothing of BENGHAZI), Obama's administration has been strong, of late, on sensible marijuana policy and gay rights. Yesterday, Attorney General Eric Holder gave banks the green light (GET IT?!) to do business with legal weed dealers. It's not a law change, though, meaning whoever replaces him in the White House could easily reverse course.

Here: Read the worst tidbits from an independent investigation into bullying, racism, homophobia and other nastiness infesting the Miami Dolphins locker room for yourself, and get grossed out with your morning coffee.

Workers at a Tennessee Volkswagen plant have decided not to unionize, despite support from the company itself. A healthy mixture of fearmongering and misgivings about a previously hashed out agreement between the United Auto Workers and the plant fueled backlash, with anti-union campaigners arguing "we are already among the highest paid in the region." Anyway, it's a welcome development since the gradual and steady decline of America's unions has already helped work wonders here.

A 78-year-old woman was run down on SE Division yesterday. Her 80-year-old husband survived. Stop hitting people with your cars, and please cross these staggeringly dangerous stretches of road in East Portland with care.

Today in unsettling science: Cat Parasite Found in Arctic Beluga.

Stuck at sixth in the gold medal race, y'all, and if you watched the men's free skate yesterday you know why. Can no one in this country hit a quad?! The guy who won had the gall to skate to the "Love Theme" from Romeo and Juliet, but at least he could stick the sport's flashiest trick. (I watched entirely too much figure skating yesterday.)


Wet as a bemonsooned hell. But warm as one, too.


And then there's this: