GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! So long as I'm living true love I'll be giving, to you I'll be serving cause you're so deserving. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

The president of Uganda signs a new law that would imprison homosexuals—FOR LIFE. Here's what he said about gay oral sex: "You push the mouth there, you can come back with worms and they enter your stomach because that is a wrong address." WOW.

Meanwhile Jason Collins is the first gay man to play for the NBA, joining the Brooklyn Nets.

Ukraine's acting minister says the entire country is on the hunt for ousted President Viktor Yanukovych who is in hiding and is being charged with mass murder for the deaths of anti-government protesters.

And since he's on the run, that gives thousands of demonstrators the opportunity to tour former Ukraine President Yanukovych's grotesquely opulent mansion—you know, the one with the private golf course and zoo.

The world's most wanted drug lord, Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman, has been captured while vacationing in the Mexican resort city of Mazatlan.

A mysterious, "polio-like virus" has infected 25 California children, causing limb paralysis. Doctors say that the best case scenario is amputation.

At a conference for the nation's governors, everyone—Democrats and Republicans alike—seem to agree that Obamacare is here to stay. (Though the grumbling hasn't stopped.)

Gun nuts are disappointed when the Supreme Court refuses to hear their challenges to laws that would limit their ability to wear guns in public. (They should consider wearing Uggs instead... much more fashionable.)

Larry King replacement Piers Morgan is being given the boot from his CNN talk show, because... well, he's just not really all that good, is he?

The Winter Olympics are over and Russia finishes with the most medals, so hurrah, big deal, who cares, we're not jealous, we've just got more important things to do!!


Actor/eternal hothead Alec Baldwin claims he's being forced out of New York because of the media boo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

A great game last night for the Blazers, who put a smack down on the Timberwolves 108-97. Read all the juicy details from Blogtown's b-ball correspondent, Rob Simonsen!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Rain this morning, and mild temps with on-and-off raininess all week.

And finally, ATTENTION PORTLAND INDIE ROCK BANDS! Check out this woman playing an ancient Chinese musical instrument called a "sheng"—which looks like a model of the Chrysler building to me—performing a rendition of Super Mario theme. YOU WANT.