GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! They say I gotta learn, but nobody's here to teach me. If they can't understand it, how can they reach me? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A top lawyer in the Pentagon may have interfered with the case of an Army General charged with sexual assault, threatening the possible court martial—because this story continues to get worse.

Russians are now sinking their own ships to box the Ukrainian Navy in and stop them from getting to neighboring Odessa, which has fallen under pro-Russian control.

The father of Sandy Hook Elementary School shooter Adam Lanza gives his first interview, and admits his son probably would've murdered him, too.

No news yet on the mystery of the Malaysia Airlines jet that disappeared Saturday morning over the Black China sea—and it may not be solved for years, though one expert cites that whatever happened was either "catastrophic... or criminal."

A 6.9 magnitude earthquake shakes Northern California, and was felt all the way up into southern Oregon.

St. Patrick's Day celebrations started early for a Massachusetts college whose crazy party spiraled out of control leading to 52 students being arrested.

A Florida family is hospitalized after eating a steak purchased from Walmart laced with LSD. (Jeez! Those guys will do anything to get our business!)

Two Louisiana detectives pursue a brutal serial murderer with deadly consequences after years of working the case, and... wait. Oh, that was True Detective.

In sports, the Portland Timbers tie their season opener with Philadelphia Union on Saturday night; catch up on all the deets with Mercury footy correspondent Brian Gjurgevich and his hot, live blog action!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Possible thunderstorms today, but sunny in the low 60s from tomorrow through Thursday!

And finally, here's the latest technology for getting your ass out of bed on a Monday morning.