GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! 'Cause I heard many things about Georgie. Nothing kinky, like no orgies. I heard he knows how to make love, like an angel from the heaven above. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Danford Grant, a prominent Seattle lawyer, has pled guilty to raping five Asian massage parlor workers. And good, this dick is getting 25 years in prison.

President Obama says he wants to do something to save those 300 kidnapped teenage girls from the murdering terrorist group Boko Haram—but he's not saying exactly what.

And even al-Qaida can't get behind what the Nigerian terrorist group is doing, saying, "You crazy for this one, Boko Haram."

Pro-Russian separatists in Ukraine say they're going ahead with Sunday's referendum to increase their autonomy—despite Putin asking them to delay. Hmmm... either Putin is lying, they're lying, or both are lying.

Reacting to pressure to accelerate student progress, a principal and four teachers in Philadelphia were caught changing answers on their kids' standardized tests. That's one way of doing it!

An elementary school teacher in Portland, Tennessee is accused of telling one boy to punch another in the face... twice. Hey, there's a Portland in Tennessee, too!

A teenager who killed his mentally troubled Army dad has been given a pass by prosecutors, after it was discovered the father was a dick, and threatening the rest of his family.

Michael Jordan admits that, when he was a teenager, he didn't like white people very much! This is not a surprise to me.

Locally, Metro says that the dismissal of the Oregon Zoo's director and senior veterinarian may have contributed to the death of Kutai, the zoo's orangutan.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Rainy and cool today through Saturday, but summer returns on Sunday!

And finally, in Al Sharpton's defense—maybe whoever's feeding his teleprompter is a terrible speller?