Sure, sure... you're out all weekend watching fireworks, mutton bustin', and foraging for potable water. UNLESS YOU'RE NOT! For those staying home to watch TV, here are your top choices for this weekend (from this week's I Love Television™):
• Hannibal (NBC, season finale Fri May 23, 10 pm). This series is so gorgeous, so bloody, so horrifying... how can it leave me? We have so much in common!! In this season ender, a trap for the certifiably crazy Hannibal Lecter is set by the also kinda certifiably crazy FBI profiler Will Graham. But will Hannibal out-crazy Will, or will Will out-crazy Hannibal? (See why this show is perfect for me?)
• Orphan Black (BBCA, Saturday May 24, 9 pm) Sarah teams up with a former enemy in her search for the eviiiiil brains behind the clone experiment!
• The Normal Heart (HBO, Sun May 25, 9 pm) A 2014 film adaptation of Larry Kramer's award-winning play about gay activists fighting the AIDS crisis in the early '80s.
• Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys (Animal Planet, Sun May 25, 9 pm). Beverly Hills 90210's Shannen "Droopy Eye" Doherty stars in this horror flick about face-sucking lampreys. GROSS! (Once again, here's what lamprey's look like. Once again, GROSS!)
• Mad Men (AMC, mid-season finale Sun May 25, 10 pm). Waitasecond... so Mad Men is splitting its final season in half? Which means it can go and screw any floozy it likes, and return in spring 2015 like nothing happened? OH HELL NO. Regardless, it's been a game-changing season so far... with drunky Don Draper getting demoted at work, and becoming increasingly alienated from his snaggle-toothed wife, Megan (who's in California pursuing an acting career and bisexuality). This episode is titled, "Waterloo"—which didn't turn out so good for Napoleon (France's Don Draper), did it? Unless they're talking about the ABBA version.