Originally posted on January 25, 2012.

Have boyfriend. Several months. Love sex. First time we sixty-nine, I notice he has a little turtlehead sticking out. You get me? Second time, he has bits of toilet paper stuck in that area. CAN I ADDRESS THIS? And how do I do it without giving him a permanently flaccid penis? I love this man to pieces and know this is a humiliating topic. Please help!

Mired In The Mud

My response after the jump...

Got you. Wish didn't. But did.

If you don't have the nerve to speak up when someone is grinding shitbuds and dingleberries in the vicinity of your nostrils, MITM, I'm not sure there's anything I can say that's gonna help. But for what it's worth...


When someone pushes your face into a dirty asscrack—or allows you to place your face in the general vicinity of a dirty asscrack—you say something along the lines of "What the fuck, dude, go take a dump and jump in the shower! Christ!" His ego, to say nothing of his future erections, should be your least concern at a moment like that. So you say it without hesitation, without concern for his feelings, and you say it as you leap out of bed and reach for your shirt, pants, car keys, and phone. You don't just lie there pretending that his buttrasta isn't dangling over your nose. Even if he's never able to get another erection with you, MITM, he'll know to spot-check for cleanliness—are there no washcloths in Gilead?—before he crawls on top of anyone else.