So I am a single woman, 31, live in LA, and I'm on OkCupid. (We all are.) I've gotten a number of unicorn requests. (Maybe because I mention being a magnum subscriber to the Savage Lovecast in my profile?) I've never responded—until the other day.
One unicorn request stood out. I wrote back. They seem like cool, smart, interesting people (a 40 year old, liberal married couple). Their profile is funny and they're quite attractive! And here I am, not doing anything else or anyone else.... and I'm thinking... this could be cool. It could be an awesome experience. Why not play around while everything is still slim but perky?
But! Some concerns:
1. Uh... what now? I gave them my number but I can't say that I'm definitely a YES on this. I'm also not a NO. What now? We meet for drinks? Then what?
2. I've never even had a one night stand. I've pretty much always had boyfriends. I don't know what my question is here, it's just something I've been turning over in my head. I just don't want to feel like a hooker! (Not that there's anything wrong with being a sex worker!)
3. I'm not bi. I don't say that I'm bi on my OKC profile. I cannot imagine a scenario in which I would want to put my face in someone's twat. (I know you understand the feeling.) But I don't think I have any issue with being on the receiving end. (Maybe? I've never been a unicorn!) I've done the college playing-around-with-girls—topless makeouts for a boyfriend's viewing pleasure—but nothing crazy.
I think, if I meet them, and if it goes well, I should ask them what their thoughts are about this, if they've done it before, what their boundaries are etc. I would confirm that if anyone feels uncomfortable everyone involved has the green light to call a stop to the whole thing. I'd also lay out my limitation re the wife.
But um... should I go for it? What should I do or say?
Future Unicorn Nervously Guessing At Logistics
My response to FUNGAL—and a bonus question/reminder—after the jump...
1. Meet, have drinks, talk—tell them everything you've told us—and then do what you've always done: fuck 'em if it feels right.
2. Refuse to accept money for sex—don't let them pay you—and you won't be a hooker. It's really that simple. If you've only ever had sex in the context of a relationship, then make it clear that developing some sort of relationship is a requirement before you jump into bed with anyone. Couple who are looking for unicorns—which is hard work—are usually seeking a regular, reliable third, i.e. someone they see again and again with and spend a great deal of time with. You know, someone they can have a relationship with. If these two were looking a one-off, FUNGAL, they would probably be looking for a hooker.
3. Again, tell this couple everything you've told us. The only reason you hesitate, FUNGAL, is that you fear rejection—and that fear is thoroughly common, completely understandable, and totally irrational. I mean, think about it: the only reason you're hesitating to tell them that you're not bisexual, you have no interest in putting your face in a twat (but you're up for having her face in yours if she's cool with no-recip), is that you worry you'll be rejected—that you won't be what they want. But if they have their hearts set on a bi unicorn who loves to eat pussy, then you're the wrong unicorn for them and they're the wrong couple for you to unicorn. Better to have a nice, clean, honest rejection—a mutual recognition that you're not a match—than to hold back and wind up in bed being pressured to do things you don't want to do.
And here's a bonus Q/regular reminder...
Avid podcast listener and column reader for the last 8+ years here. I don't care either way and I'm not doubting you, Dan, but I was kinda amazed that 1 in 3 is the actual stat of American women who've had abortions. Can ya cite that? I would be curious to know or read more about it...
Healthy Engaged Listener Pauses