I am on vacation for all of July. But I've invited Dr. David J. Ley to handle the Savage Love letters of the day. Dr. Ley is a writer and clinical psychologist who has written very smartly about sex, in his books The Myth of Sex Addiction and Insatiable Wives. Find his other writing at Psychology Today and his Twitter: @DrDavidLey. Dr. Ley will be answering your questions all this week. —Dan
My boyfriend is a regular listener, I am his girlfriend. So, please, I would love a response.
We've been together a year, and at first I was amazed that I had found a guy who didn't come so quickly during sex. I loved that he could last during intercourse until I came, and that me coming mattered to him. However, even in the beginning, I did feel a bit inadequate, because he couldn't come during intercourse, or at least come easily. There was always one position that worked, me on top, because he likes femdom type stuff, but he never came, and still hasn't, in any other positions. Now, that position doesn't seem to work for him anymore.
He watches a lot of porn, and I've always been turned on by the thought of him masturbating. I also watch porn sometimes, and enjoy it. But, he watches it every night that we aren't together, which is the 4 out of 7 nights, as we live in different places. He has said that his tastes have gotten more perverted, he needs newer stuff, more dom stuff, etc.
He says that putting pressure on coming is the worse thing to do. I have agreed to try and help with that. However, I don't fully agree with that. I also think that his porn and single style masturbating habits are not helping. When I suggested this he got really defensive and it felt like he was defending his baby. I need him to be able to come from intercourse. I love it, it makes me squirt, would hate for it to be off the menu, and do want to get pregnant sometime in the next few years. What can we do?
Okay IA, I’m trying real hard not to get irritated here. For several decades now, sex therapists have been putting out the message that men shouldn’t expect women to come without clitoral stimulation, that foreplay and clitoral stimulation might be necessary for a woman to orgasm, and guys shouldn’t expect her to come just from putting his dick in and pumping away. I support this message, and repeat it often. Then you hit me with this crap? Can we say double standard?
COULD his difficulty orgasming with you be a result of his style of masturbation to porn, what Dan calls “the deathgrip?” Yup, sure could. The response to that is to try to use different ways of masturbation, use things like a Fleshlight, etc., to start acclimating to different levels of stimulation.
However, his difficulty could ALSO be due to the fact that he might just be predisposed to require more intense, direct, faster stimulation. He could just be wired that way. And, just as likely, he could also be getting stressed out by the pressure you’re putting on him to orgasm, which makes it even harder for him to orgasm.
Are you putting too much pressure on your boyfriend? Umm. Fuck yes. I will tell you the same thing I tell men in this situation. Back off. Let him be in charge of his orgasm. Ask him how he wants you to touch him. Touch him that way. Share your excitement and interest about his arousal and how hot it makes you. Don’t breathe a word of exasperation, frustration or pressure. When it happens, celebrate it. When it doesn’t happen, keep your mouth shut.