Our problems may seem small at the moment, but the little things add up:

• Size-ism! Fashion doesn't have to be synonymous with skinny, but as Linda puts it, "You have to get rid of the mental crap."

GO COUGARS! No really, get out of here. I know it's the peak of Portland tourist season, but your visits could end poorly, like with you in a Laurelhurst Park petting zoo, as Timothy suggested, or even as a scapegoat for rising rents as Mary joked. Mmmm... goat.

• Portland's ruination! MH bemoans the loss of cheap housing, the rise in noise complaints, and increased density of clog stores (?), ending with a threat: "We'll just get all the musicians, artists, and every other hipster who is fed up with the bullshit, and we'll leave. When all you have left is $15 sandwiches, half-empty apartment complexes, and a bunch of yuppies looking around going, 'Why isn't Portland cool anymore?' you'll know you only have yourselves to blame."

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  • ILLUSTRATION BY ALEX DESPAIN