BRAD PITT  Well... hes ruined. Will the next gorgeous man please step forward?
  • BRAD PITT Well... he's ruined. Will the next gorgeous man please step forward?
MONDAY, APRIL 27

Life can be an arduous challenge, where one must continuously move forward, or fall backward into the darkness. But don't move too fast—especially on stairs—and don't do it while wearing flip-flops—like the unfortunate (and now UGLY) Brad Pitt. Named People's "Sexiest Man" in both 1995 and 2000, when Brad showed up for Saturday's Light Up the Blues concert in Hollyweird, his once beautiful face looked like it had been dragged for a quarter mile behind a particularly angry rhinoceros. What happened to turn the face of a demigod into a plate of old, raw hamburger meat? (And no, apparently it wasn't Angie... this time.) Here's the excuse he gave People magazine. "This is what happens when you try to run up steps in the dark, with your arms full, wearing flip-flops," said the now hideous Pitt. "Turns out if you then try to stop your forward momentum with your face, the result is road rash." Hmmm... well, that would be a totally believable excuse... if it weren't for one thing: Actors of Pitt's stature are not commoners. They do not "run," they do not "carry things" in "their arms" (they have assistants for that), and they most certainly, absolutely, never ever NEVER wear "flip-flops"! We'll let this one slide... but Angie? We're keeping our eye on you.

TUESDAY, APRIL 28

Following yesterday's funeral service of 25-year-old African American Freddie Gray—whose neck was broken while in police custody—riots broke out around Baltimore... largely due to the inability of the police bureau to learn from the mistakes of Ferguson, Missouri. Curfews and unrest followed, with at least 20 officers injured, 235 people arrested, and an untold amount of property damage as of April 28. The riots halted only when the six officers in question were brought up on charges, including second-degree murder. So! Who best to speak on behalf of Baltimore and its beleaguered citizens? Why Carson Daly (former MTV VJ and host of The Voice), and Donald Trump (billionaire and fucking ignoramus), of course! "Really sucks to see these lawless looters ruining the great city of @Baltimore," Carson said on his Twatter machine. "This isn't protest, this is a violent attack on your OWN city!" Weirdly, these words from a white game show host had almost no effect on those protesting the senseless and cruel murder of Freddie Gray. Meanwhile, here's what the always wise and levelheaded Donald Trump had to say on Twatter: "Our great African American President [We assume he's being sarcastic and racist here—Ann] hasn't exactly had a positive impact on the thugs [More sarcasm and racism!—Ann] who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!" Hmmm. How about this for an idea: Celebrities should not be allowed to use Twatter, unless they pass a special test and get a license for it. All in favor, say "Aye!" AYE!! Let it be written, let it be done.

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