What are they not called Hunger Games? No, I think they are, thank you.
  • What, are they not called Hunger Games? No, I think they are, thank you.

This evening heralds the release of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay—Part 2, the fourth and final installment of the YA dystopian novel series turned cinematic extravaganza. Everyone agrees that The Hunger Games: Mockingjay—Part 1 sucked because it had almost no scenes with Katniss Everdeen's super-nice pretend boyfriend, Peeta Mallark. But that doesn't matter now. HG:M—P2 rules because Peeta is back!

Of all the Hunger Games characters, charming and earnest Peeta Mallark is obviously the best one. I have compiled several reasons for this, which I will list for you now:

1) I don’t care how a man looks, but I do want his face to resemble an easily recognizable object. To better portray the role of Peeta, actor Josh Hutcherson’s face was scooped and finessed into an appealing cut-away bread loaf shape.

Is there a way to make a muzac version of Hungry Eyes start playing when this blog post loads?

This supports the heavy-handed metaphors of hunger and food present in the the Hunger Games. (See: the title "The Hunger Games.") The mythology of Peeta and Katniss' love is that he is the son of a baker and he gave her bread when her family was starving. Peeta gave Katniss food, so to her—and, through the wonders of movie magic, to us as well—he will always look like food.

2) I think most bread is too sweet. Do you think Peeta could bake me something savory? Like mini pizza rolls?

3) A lot of guys would be like, “We’ve been going out a while, and we only kissed that once because I was electrocuted, and technically that was CPR. Wait. Is that how you do CPR? Can you teach me how to do CPR?" Peeta leaves the CPR to the women, thank you.

Once you see the bread, you can never unsee the bread.
  • Once you see the bread, you can never unsee the bread.

4) I have dated so many dudes and no matter what, they’re all eventually like "I know we’re in the Hunger Games teen murder arena, and you're trying to finish your degree, but we used to have such a wild sex life." Not Peeta! Peeta does not give a fuck about fucking. He's like, “Whenever you’re ready. Also, keep in mind we’re in a murder teen story appropriate for nine-to-15 year-old non-murder teens.”

5) His name sounds like "pita," which is a kind of bread. Never has a man been so bread.

In the words of unpopular Hunger Games president President Snow, "Excelsior, young pita bread. Welcome back!"