First off, I always visualized the word as blumpkin. Tomayto, tomahto. But blumkins are not necessarily fake, or bullshit, or automatically sexist! I only have a single experience with them, but let me tell you about it.
In college I had a three year relationship with a lovely young lady. She was a year younger, I was a horny young guy, and she seemed too good to be true. Ours was an intense, possibly clingy, fairly traditional MF relationship. Twelve months in we decided to move in together. For the next two years, we had a good time playing house and thinking we were far more mature than we actually were. Good times/missed hedonistic opportunities.
After a year or so living together, we had become very comfortable with each other. So comfortable, in fact, that we'd often use the bath off the bedroom with the door open. Even pooping was not an issue, we'd just hit the fan. Then one evening, while she was on the bed studying, I went to the bathroom to drop a deuce. After the first big push, I caught my breath, looked up, and she was lying there in bed, giving me some serious come-fuck-me eyes. I returned the glance, and then it just happened—not a word was exchanged. My cock was in her mouth, with a turd floating just 9" below her face. I was shocked, a tiny bit disgusted, and very turned on! I honestly can't remember what we talked about afterwords, and if memory serves me well all I said during was a very Keanu-esque "whoa."
As I said, we had a pretty traditional, Midwestern, went-to-church-on-Sunday-and-said-fuck-that-noise-upon-entering-college, completely-vanilla relationship: I was usually the decider, but she was a very strong, opinionated young lady. No weird power plays, nothing out of the ordinary. And I don't think we'd ever talked about blumkins before that day or after. I may be the odd exception, but I thought I should at least share my story. God knows my friends have always gotten a kick out of that one!
Mike In Portland OR
How strange that your letter should come today, MIPOR, just moments after I filed a second column about blumkins. That column will be published on Wednesday.
I'm sorry/not sorry to report that I once again declare blumkins to be bullshit—stupidly sexist bullshit—and I will continue to do so, MIPOR, despite your letter. Because your story could be bullshit. I don't know you, you could be anyone, there's no way to independently confirm your account. And even if your girlfriend did stroll over to the toilet after you "dropped a deuce," as the kids once said (the kids "rally for Trump" these days), and proceeded to suck your cock, technically speaking that was no blumkin. UD:
The term blumkin is when a man is sitting on the toilet taking a shit. And has his woman come in and give him head during the act of shitting.
The deuce had already dropped by the time your girlfriend got to bathroom, MIPOR. That was a blowjob in the wrong place at the wrong time—in the bathroom, right after deuce was dropped—but it was not, once again, and technically speaking, an actual blumkin. Dubious achievement not unlocked.
And finally, MIPOR, I speak for everyone out there reading when I say...
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? Have you never heard of a COURTESY FLUSH?!? You probably could've flushed the toilet twice in the time it took your then-girlfriend to get out of bed, walk to the bathroom, get on her knees, and get your cock in her mouth. A gentleman would've flushed the toilet—a true gentleman would've risen from the toilet—thereby preventing his girlfriend from blowing him with "a turd floating just 9" below her face."
