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Literary Portland: A Brief Tour


Literary Portland: A Brief Tour

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What You Make It


What You Make It

Your Fall Guide to Portland's (Shifting) Arts and Culture

Thursday, June 30, 2011


Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 10:15 PM

Dear Spaniards,
Could you stop being so fucking attractive? It is making the rest of the world look bad.

Biker, think please...

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 8:52 PM

To the biker who blew into the intersection at 30+ mph from SW Vista onto Main- and forced me to break fast, despite having stopped, looked and began my flipped me off and claimed "right of way" as you drove away. OK, you're right, but you have a speed limit too, and I don't care how steep the hill is, you almost caused an accident. I love bikes and bikers, I'm one of the bike friendly drivers. But your attitude needs a tune up. Had we collided, it wouldn't matter who had "right of way", we'd both be sorry, injured and forever changed. Don't make me (or anyone else) your sob story because you have a 'tude. Rules of the road mean speed limits for you too, hill or not. Be a good commuter and not hog the road.

Drive Carefully, Motherfucker

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 5:41 PM

You nearly killed me.

There's a stop sign on NW 11th and Couch. You ignored it. There were also several other cars. You ignored them, too. I was also there, and you ignored me until the last second.

You swung around the corner, not stopping at all, revving that engine on that midlife crisis car of yours. You stopped just before you hit me.

You deserved every single inch of both my middle fingers. More than that, really. You were driving recklessly, speeding, ignoring stop sings, and endangering others at a crowded intersection.

When I got out of Powell's you were waiting for me. Apparently your stupid pride had been injured. You yelled at me and demanded an apology for flipping you off. I told you to go fuck yourself. I told you that you nearly killed me. "Well I didn't!", you shouted. You thought I was rude. I say that you're dangerous.

I said it to your face and I'll say it again: Go fuck yourself, you reckless piece of shit. You're eventually going to crash that car of yours. You'll whip around a corner, ignore a light, ignore a sign, and something terrible will happen. When that happens, I dearly hope the only one injured is you. Drive carefully, motherfucker. I owe you no kind of apology.

Pissed And Found

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 5:21 PM

Dear asshole that was too good to put the seat up in the mens bathroom at the mall on 5th, I really had to take a shit bad. I walk in to find your piss all over the seat. Thanks for that, I always enjoy mopping up someone elses feces before hunkering down to pinch off a loaf. What I'm truly thankful for though, not in a facetious way, is those awesome Carrera Italian sunglasses you left on top of the TP dispenser. You came back and asked if they were still in there, I would have given them back if it weren't for the mess you left. I looked them up too, 120$ they cost you. You'd think someone that can afford sunglasses like that would have more class, guess not. -I anonymous


Fuck You, Clowns

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 12:24 AM

Dear delusional clown-folk people of Portland who wear floppy pants and still believe 'physical comedy' is a valid form of entertainment: Please find some terrible clown commune far far away from Portland and leave us in peace. CLOWNS SUCK. THE ART IS DEAD. YOU ARE BORING. YOUR COWORKERS DON'T CARE ABOUT IT. You are a pathetic, creepster quasi-pedophile. You cheat on your girlfriends and don't bathe enough because you are a depressed, loser excuse of a human being. Nobody likes balloon animals. You make me feel unfathomable sorrow. Stop it. UGH.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Dear Respectable and Reasonable Cop

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 29, 2011 at 7:40 PM

I leave the Matador on Burnside after some drinks, closing the night with a shot of whiskey - I can drive and I'm under the limit, but intoxicated (You've been there).

I pull off onto Burns way too fast, and I instantly get pulled over. Grab my stuff, and freak out, thinking I'm going to jail for DUI.
Officer says "You sure did pull out there quick man, you gotta watch out, people die there all the time."
Myself - "I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking clearly"
Officer - "Well, if you're sorry, then have a good night." And hands me my papers without looking at them.

And he lets me go. Thank you kind sir, thank you.

To the Sunday Parkways Car/Cell Phone Enthusiast

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 29, 2011 at 5:08 PM

To the gal who threaded her car between the two road closed signs amidst the protests of the two traffic control volunteers and then proceeded to stop in the middle of the road.

Now is probably not the best time to be using the cell phone.

Just a little note for the future - Thanks!

Facist Portland Parking Police

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 29, 2011 at 11:14 AM

Fuck you to the asshole who gave me a ticket for placing my parking sticker on the wrong side of my car. I just wanted to take my 17 month old son to the Farmer's Market downtown and it ended up costing me $38.00. I don't go downtown that often, so I'm not used to how the whole parking situation works. I made an honest mistake, and you screwed me over. You could've warned me, but you didn't. Instead you gave me a ticket. It's nice to know that my tax dollars are being wisely spent employing scum like you just so our streets are safe from people who place their parking stickers incorrectly.

It’s a Concert, not a Picnic.

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 29, 2011 at 7:49 AM

To all the idiots at Edgefield for My Morning Jacking who set up camp within 100 feet of the stage: Arriving early does not entitle you to set aside 40 square feet of prime viewing area as your personal space, so you should not get surprised and bent out of shape as intoxicated people try to get closer to the stage and then end up tromping through your real estate. You deserve every particle of dog turd that was stomped into your ugly rug. You pretty much asked for every beer that was knocked over and soaked into your blanket. Every bit of residual urine that was dragged across your sleeping bag is a sign of universal justice. There is no way to sit down and watch the show from there, anyway, so you're going to end up standing with the rest of us. If you want to have a picnic, there is plenty of room in rear of the venue, high up on a hill, where you can lazily sit back and watch the show as you get old(er). And die.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Run Them Down!

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 28, 2011 at 11:35 AM

To the psychotic female driver in the blue car zooming through the Pearl District yesterday:

What in the Sam Hill is wrong with you? I get that the guy who crossed against a light was an ass. But when he did it, there was no one coming. Then you hang a quick left and then sped up as he was crossing the road. What the fuck is your problem? He was annoying, sure but that doesn't give you an excuse to lose your shit. I also get that Oregon has ridiculously lenient car-hitting-people laws but still, would you have really wanted to crush some guy just because he crossed against a light.

I also doubt that whatever it was you were doing couldn't have waited the 30 seconds it would have taken him to get over to Ben and Jerry's. Jesus.

Anger. Management.

Dear Methabego

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 28, 2011 at 12:36 AM

To the tweekers that parked your busted ass gypsy motor home in front of my house: I hope that when your mobile meth lab explodes that it's far away from me, and that you and the 20 dollar prostitute that we always see coming out of it are horribly maimed. I hate you, and your shitty music.

Monday, June 27, 2011

OK Cupid Dipshits

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 27, 2011 at 6:31 PM

After a few failed dates with some men from a popular free dating website, I noticed a pattern. Cute guy that plays the banjo and loves DIY? Vegan that wants a "deeper connection." Nope. So a few friends and I asked ourselves what Portland males really want.

So my super hot lesbian friend set up the most vapid and ridiculous profile she could. I think Ann Coulter would think she sounds shallow and conservative in it.
But SHOCKER! 95% of the men emailing her were all the sensitive I want a Ramona Flowers deep snowflake girl profiles.
So I call bullshit on you dudes. Instead of getting full sleeves and talking about social issues, why don't you just do what you really want? Like put on some Brut and go to Barracuda and find the type of girl you *actually* want to fuck.
Because there are actual people out there trying to make connections, start relationships, and NOT FUCKING GET PLAYED.

Pile of Random Homeless Kids: Number 122345

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 27, 2011 at 4:21 PM

To the pile of homeless kids that yelled a bunch of incomprehensible nonsense at me and then called me a 'faggot' for not giving you spare change:

Tonight I'm going to go home and cook a huge, tasty fuck-off sized hamburger in your name. So, picture this: tomato, onion, seasoned ground beef, some swiss, sweet pickles, tons of A1. Maybe some relish. And that weird sweet german mustard. I'm going to medium/medium well it, open a nice bottle of beer, and just enjoy the hell out of that burger while you're outside begging for scraps.

After that, I'll probably take a nice long shower and read a book in bed — one that is conveniently not located in a wooded area spattered with shit and trash.

Anyway, that's all. Have a really hard life.

When Hummus Goes Bad

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 27, 2011 at 11:28 AM

It's an incredible feeling to be a part of a local company that is thriving, and to be proud of the work and feel as if you have been helping the company's reputation and business grow.Well I no longer feel like the company deserves any business because of what they're doing to both it's consumers and employers.
Well, where do you turn when the "whistle blowing" is soon impossible to avoid or ignore? What I had thought was a respectable local company, has skewed my idea of promoting or backing just any Portland company.
There is a hummus company based in PDX that needs some sort of "Big Brother"eyes looking over them. Food sanitation issues presented them selves just to be ignored by the owners and the pockets they keep. Serious concerns, such as foreign objects and "No Zone" concerns. Misleading, and often knowingly incorrect "sell by" dates!!!
Employees were asked to turn their heads to a few of the early inconveniences with-in the production of the hummus. That then ballooned into the machine that had your morals, ethics, and conscious ripped from your soul.
After inquiring as to what we would do about the the chaos, I realized I had opened a can of worms.They wanted me gone! . SERIOUSLY....You can't sell food with foreign objects such as rocks and twigs. I don't wish the company to fail, but to suffer the consequences of their DISHONEST, fucked up operation. The people need to know. If your hummus containers LABELS looks questionable,RECONSIDER!


Nobody Wants Your Garbage, Free or Not

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 27, 2011 at 10:54 AM

To the people that think it's okay to dump your trash on the sidewalk with a "free" sign: it's not. Nobody wants your half-empty bottle of 409 or your food wrappers. And even if they did, dumping it all in a plastic tub (which I assume must also be free) and leaving it on the corner of NW 23rd and Everett isn't the way to deal with it. That's called littering. And it's gross. Take responsibility for your own trash.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Expired Entitled

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Jun 26, 2011 at 6:51 PM

To any customer who has ever made a stink about a small business- a NON-PROFIT, GOING OUT OF BUSINESS business- not accepting your expired gift certificate- and ESPECIALLY this particular customer- you snooze, you lose! The expiration date is prominently displayed right in front of your face. Please don't try and place the blame on us when it was your choice to put off coming to see us for so long. Threatening with a write up in the Oregonian about how dishonorable my organization is will not change my mind (as if your story is the only pressing issue in the city). Name calling isn't going to do it, either. Buck up and accept the fact that this is YOUR FAULT- especially since you purchased it as a gift for yourself. You knew full well when the certificate expired. Guess what, lady? I'm going to be the only person in your life who hasn't given you your way. Take that expired gift certificate and use it to start a fire, because you're going to need one to warm that cold, bitter heart of yours.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Steven Humphrey Made Me Sad

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jun 24, 2011 at 8:59 AM

To you, WM Steve Humphrey, I have this to say: I want my (insert word of curse here) tickets the the Laurelhurst, and my lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, you pinchbelly.

At this moment, the issue is not one of necessity—fiscal or otherwise—but one of principle. You said I could have them, and I do not, in fact, have anything of the sort. Why post anonymously, you ask? Well, so I can rant about it publicly, I suppose, since you have yet to publish any of my protestations. My kindly email reminders have done nothing to sway you, so I will simply air my frustrations in the time honored tradition of internet trolls everywhere: anonymously.

I appreciate this publication, and will continue to enjoy the fine articles found therein, as well as your exceptionally good web log. I will not, however, be trusting any claims made concerning prizes, be they small or large.

(WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY RESPONDS: I, sir and/or madam, am NOT a "pinchbelly." I haven't pinched a single belly since my freshman year in college... though at the time I was experimenting with a lot of things. As for your prizes, it may surprise you that—in my high paying job as the editor in chief of a major Portland media outlet—I don't personally mail out prize tickets. That would be kind of like you cleaning your office's toilets. (Which, if you're a custodian, may very well be your job. If so, I apologize.) All that being said, according to my largely disinterested investigation into the subject, the person who DOES mail out the prizes is apparently under the impression that you're a fucking liar, because he can find no evidence of you writing any award-winning letter. Conversely, I'm under the impression I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, and you can have fifty billion tickets to the Laurelhurst and No Fish! Go Fish! for all I care. So email me your address, and I'll personally send you your prize. Because again, even though I'm frightfully busy, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. And I'm not a pinchbelly. Good day, sir/madam. I SAID, "GOOD DAY!!")

Get Me to the Meth Clinic on Time

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jun 24, 2011 at 8:08 AM

I used to have to take the bus to work everyday with the whole cracked out jonesing lot of you Methadone clinic fucks, which is why when I got my car I was elated that I wouldn't have to put up with your tweaking or inappropriate questions anymore. So I'm driving to work and your stupid fat junkie ass gets off the bus then runs behind it out into the street in front of my car and oncoming traffic so the whole street has to come to a screeching halt just to avoid hitting you in your rush for a fix. When several people appropriatly honked at your idiocy you decided to stop in the middle of the road and flip us all off while yelling obscenities before continuing your blind rush for your replacement smack. I guess they should have just let you overdose on heroin so that way no one has to have the dents pounded out of their car from hitting your fat blonde junkie ass while you try to get your drugs. Next time you decide to play junkie frogger in front of my car maybe use the crosswalk instead you stupid tweaker, or better yet get off the drugs and stay out of the street. You make an otherwise awsome neighborhood a dangerous and annoying place to drive just because your need for drugs is more important than the safety of everyone else. Oh yeah and fuck you too bitch at least I'm not addicted to Methadone like you are!

The I, Anonymous Chill Out Tent!

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jun 24, 2011 at 6:04 AM

WELCOME TO THE I, ANONYMOUS BLOG. While many of the rants you're currently reading are definitely entertaining—it can also be a little... much, sometimes. Don'tchathink? That's why we'll occasionally post a "I, Anonymous Chill Out Tent" where you can come in, sit down, and just... you know... chill out for a minute. It's like a palate cleanser before jumping back into the muck. So here's something we hope will help: A BOSTON TERRIER WHO JUST LOVES BEING TICKLED!


Social Injustice

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jun 24, 2011 at 3:12 AM

I don't know what was worse this past Pride weekend: Confronting three loud, homophobic kids with skateboards and ugly shirts on the MAX, the teenage girl who intervened from my wiping the floor with them, or the lack of response from the other 30 or so people in the car who sat and did NOTHING. If these punks had been spouting garbage about Blacks, Latinos, Asians or women, instead of gays, it would have been a lynch mob. Thanks for re-affirming inaction and prejudice are still alive and well in the Rose City.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Procreation Damnation

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 23, 2011 at 10:54 PM

If you've had a child—on purpose—in the last 5 to 10 years, I'm very disappointed in you, you arrogant, selfish cretin. We live in a world of almost seven BILLION people, many of whom are starving, neglected or abused, and yet you just HAD to amplify your perfect little relationship and CREATE a perfect fucking little version of yourselves. Never mind adopting or fostering children. Fuck them, right? We live in a truly scary time of accelerating climate change and consolidation of power, and a level of monied political corruption almost unparalleled in history standing in the way of real solutions, and what work have you done to combat either? And no, just bicycling or just voting don't EVEN count. Congratulations: you've just damned one more individual, your child no less, to a turbulent, violent shrinking world you haven't even taken the time to understand or honestly work to improve. It will be amazing if they live until 40. It would be a miracle for them to have great grandchildren who live at all.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 23, 2011 at 10:12 PM

About 2 years ago, I worked for an elderly gentleman who inherited an "elite" property in Laurelhurst when he lost his parents. He was over 60 and for the first time in his life, he was alone. He opened up his home to homeless people, and these people, at least, took advantage of him for over a decade, before I got there.

The Portland Police were also harassing him as well, they said they "didn't want OUR KIND in their neighborhood." One would think that the police would've stepped up to protect this man,but neither they, nor Adult protective services did anything other than call this elderly gentleman a "freak":

The City Building inspectors were fining him for a violation that by their own documents couldn't exist, to the tune of over $2000.

In the end, they found their opening when the elderly gentleman ended up in the emergency room with a kidney homeless woman accompanied him in the ambulance where over $2,500 "disappeared."

STILL, no one did anything. They instead, used a 20 year old probate loophole to sell his home while he was trying to recover...they had a nice lock-up nursing home for him, with a generous dose of ATIVAN for him when he tried to go home.

He couldn't go home because no agency would help me with the issues left by the homeless people, instead, their answer was to sell his inheritance and home.

My outrage is that the very people whom he needed, were only waiting to take advantage of him themselves, after the homeless people got everything they could carry.

Apparently, the ONLY one who thought this elderly person was worth protecting was ME...and as I said, no good deed goes unpunished, as it cost me everything I had to keep my word to my elderly friend.


...and why can't the elderly get anyone's attention and support?

Don’t Be a Douche Masseuse

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 23, 2011 at 3:08 PM

My wife likes a quality massage. I like to give her a gift certificate for one. What I don't like? You looking down your nose at me and exclaiming "This certificate does not include gratuity." No, really? Buy a fucking font and put it in a respectful place on the fucking gift certificate. Don't put me on the spot to imply I tip for a fucking massage that hasn't been given yet! Who does this?! When I get a fucking drink does the bartender look sternly at me and gravely say, "the price of libation does not include gratuity." When I order a meal at a restaurant do they stop and explain how tipping works after I order? NO THEY DON'T and you shouldn't either. Unless you want to be a douche.

Shut. The. Hell. Up.

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 23, 2011 at 8:50 AM

Oh dudebros and 30 year old dumbasses on skateboards, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I get that white people like to go WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at every available opportunity but no one cares. Especially at 1:00am when the rest of us employed people who do not skateboard have to be at work around 8:30am.

(My captcha is my husband's name, how creepy is that? Fuck you captcha!)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

You are My Hero!

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 22, 2011 at 7:07 PM

To the man who saved my son's life last Saturday, the 18th of June, in North Portland. If you had not courageously intervened, my son would be dead. Most people would have kept driving. Most people would have ignored what they saw. Most people would have been too afraid to do anything at all when they saw three men kicking the shit out of two boys. But you were one man & you DID do something. And it is because of your courage & humanity that i am able to put my arms around my living child today.
i want for you to know that he is going to be ok...physically. They did kick his teeth in, so he is going to need extensive dental surgery ( thank god for state health insurance!). He has massive facial trauma, but it will heal. No bones were broken, & he has a heart condition & a pacemaker that they didn't fuck up. But his spirit is broken. He met the evil, blind, ugliness of humanity that night & he is violated & broken. These were not people he knew. It began with him giving them a cigarette, & as he & his friend walked away, one of them came up behind him and smashed a bottle on his skull. From there, it was a boot party on his head. What i can say to him, though, through all of this, is that whilst THEY were evil, ugly creatures, You were what a human should be. Compassionate & brave. That is a true Man.
Thank you, Sir...for being a real human & giving a child his life...& a Mother her Son. Blessings...

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