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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Dear Single Women of Portland

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 22, 2011 at 10:54 AM

After two recent first dates that have involved eating out I have decided I'd rather stay single than eat another meal with you.
Here's some basic advice your parents should have taught you when you were learning how to use a fork on your very own:
1: We don't live in a culture where lip smacking is considered a compliment. It's, in fact, disgusting. Yep, a mood killer. So here's what you do: You keep your mouth closed while you're chewing. It's actually pretty simple.
2: Talking with your mouth full is also unattractive. On a first date, I'm trying to learn a little something about you. I'm not interested in a front row seat to the Initiation of the Digestive Process. Trying to make out what you're saying while you're working on that next bite of chicken caeser is a little too much work, but I'd actually take that over having to dodge bits of partially chewed food that launch from your tongue as you introduce me to the amazingly diverse, fun and interesting person that you are.
3: Taking food off my plate without asking does not tell me you're a devil-may-care, fun-loving woman. It tells me you don't respect boundaries. Once we're comfortable with each other (several dates down the road) and we've established some chemistry, that'll be fun and cute and all. On a first date, it's just presumptuous, rude and immature.
So, when the server comes around with the bill, I might have my credit card handy because I've lost all interest and am more than ready to call it a night.

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