This Week in the Mercury

Can't Sleep Here

News

Can't Sleep Here

Turns Out Portland Cops Have Quietly Been Arresting People For Camping All Year


I, Anonymous

Columns

I, Anonymous

The Art of the Steal



Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Sunny Day Broseph Mating Rituals

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jul 5, 2011 at 11:32 AM

After some observation in a park I realized Broseph dating rituals consist of the following:

1. Bring a soccer ball to the park when you take out your Brosephines. Kick it past them to prove your man hood.

2. Throw frisbees onto people's blankets and don't apologize.

3. Try and do cartwheels for said females. They will giggle.

4. Show your testosterone count is high by slowly increasing your territory to half the fucking park. Do this by annoying everyone else relaxing. Bonus points if your soccer ball smashes into a small child or puppy's head.

5. Sip "microbrews" (Weinhard's doesn't count so sorry Brahs) from Dixie cups and let the Brosephines throw the frisbees with their cute dainty little arms.

6. Douse yourself in Axe so the longer you kick soccer balls past said Brosephines you will release underarm gas, further extend your territory.

After careful observation, I realized this is fairly similar to watching pigeons try and mate in Pioneer Courthouse Square. The puffing, the chasing, the general stupidity. The only trouble is Broseph outdoor mating season happens when everyone else wants to go outside. It's a rare opportunity to witness it in the daylight, where usually it's relegated to Dirty, The Gypsy or The Dixie.

If you feel like observing Brahs in heat, be sure to bring a taser and a pack of cigarettes. Brahs don't like cigarettes.


(It's like Captcha knows. My word is PLEBS.)

Comments (8)

Showing 1-8 of 8

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-8 of 8

Comments are closed.

Most Commented on I, Anonymous

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy