To the paper tower dispenser in the second floor staff washroom:
What the fucking fuck is your fucking problem? Why must you shred every single paper towel I try to remove from you, giving me one third of a paper towel while the rest stays bunched up in your stupid slot? I CAN'T DRY MY HANDS WITH ONE THIRD OF A PAPER TOWEL, YOU MORON! And then, when I try to extricate the rest of the paper towel, all you do is shred it further, spilling half of it on the floor and the other half in your waste compartment, which is already overflowing with needlessly shredded, bone dry paper towels from when my co-workers used the bathroom before me. AND MY HANDS ARE STILL WET!
I guess you didn't bother to read the all-agency memo. This is supposed to be a GREEN WORKPLACE. We're ALL supposed to do our part to lower the company's environmental footprint. We can't do that when you're so obviously intent on raping the Earth by wasting her precious resources!
Why can't you be a team player? Why can't you be more like the paper towel dispenser in the staff washroom in the basement? That dispenser always gives out perfectly intact paper towels, EVEN WHEN I PULL ONE-HANDED! The fact that that dispenser is stuck in the basement while you get to be on the second floor proves definitively that THERE IS NO GOD.
Paper tower dispenser in the second floor staff washroom, you're worse than Hitler.