Hey Portland. We gotta talk. See, there is this girl. She is simply delicious. Like flavored milk. Goodness gracious. Sorry, I got carried away. You see, I'm sprung like the month of May. Problem is, I don't live in your fine city. I live somewhere to the south. But, I got your rainy days, if you feel me. She loves Portland. Which makes sense. But, for me, it's a problem. You need to calm it down up there with the good coffee and shit. Bookstores and all that. Ease back. I will make it up to you. I will be forever grateful. I'll donate some bikes. Plant a tree. Give up meat. What do you need? Let me know. And if you see her, smile for me. Shit, wait...