I don't know how many times I've heard people bitch and whine about the weather here in the Northwest. "It rains too much here," "It's so gray all the time," "Is the sun ever going to come out?" Frankly, I'm tired of it. I mean, why don't you people just move elsewhere? Why do you put yourself though all this discomfort by choice? Do I dare assume that you tolerate 8-9 months of weather you obviously hate so that you can enjoy the rest of the year's mild climate? Are you here only for the scene? Dear God, you're not here because Portland is "cool" and "weird" are you? If so, then you have no right to complain about the weather. Buck it up, shut it up or fucking move the hell somewhere else. Enough with the bitching and whining already! Seriously.
I baked a plate of fucking awesome chocolate chip cookies for our neighbor for Christmas. I left them outside her apartment door in the hallway, blithely believing in the spirit of love and giving during the season. I found out today she never got them. You waltzed in, grabbed the cookie bag, and waltzed out. You made off with her cookies, the paper bag and fancy bow I oh-so-lovingly wrapped around it, her Christmas card, and my plate. So fuck you, and fuck the spirit of Christmas.
I want my plate back, you twatwaffle.
Fuck you too cool to wait!! I had a whole restaurant filled with people needing something. I was working by myself thank you! No one was trying harder than me to get orders in promptly, trying to be nice, and keep people happy. You and your duche bag friend didn't wait that long for me to get your order. I was slammed and stressed you told me I need to learn how to wait tables and that I am a stupid bitch because I didn't get to you and your tattooed fuck bag friend fast enough! I would give anything to know where YOU work so I can come in and tell you how shitty you are! If you can't be respectful and at least notice you are not the center of the god damn universe you should stay home!! Not only are you 86ed from my establishment if I see you around I will spit in your face you insensitive fucks! I hope you both get food poisoning!!
So, from what I have heard here and other places is that guys in Portland are "wimps". Maybe they're right, since I avoid confrontation whenever possible. Trying to change public opinion, I decided to take a stand and stand up for myself. I promised my internal wimp that the next time I felt like cowardly slithering away from something, I was gonna speak my mind! Damn if I didn't do just that today when some guy cut in front of me in line at the store. I gathered my courage, pumped out my chest for an intimidating effect, tapped my finger on his shoulder and said, "Hey dip-shit, get to the back of the fucking line!". Funny enough, the day, the minute, the second I decide to stand up for myself, this guy will have none of it and punches my lights out. Black eye for New Year's, great. Never again will I do this "standing up for myself" thing. It's just not for me. I will stick to holding in my rage and expressing it in the safety of my own one-bedroom apartment in forums just like this one. Damn you, courage!
Thanks young sluts of Portland, for all the good times. But you lack experience, come too quickly, are just weird, and/or make my sheets smell like booze the next morning. Not to be ungrateful or anything, but yeah, this Cougar is moving on. :)
Seriously, man. You're ruining the only decent city in America. Yeah, I know, you don't think YOU, personally, are responsible. But you are. Why? Because you're just a trend-obsessed novelty-seeking ego-driven consumer who bought the media hype and thinks Portland is something YOU deserve to own, as if it were a pair of oversized black glasses or a Pixies t-shirt. You're buying something we NEVER were, and in the process creating a market for everything we stood in opposition to: consumerism, conformity and materialism. And there's no turning back once that happens. YOU, yes, YOU, RUINED PORTLAND. YOU, personally, are responsible for it turning into just another typical American city, which is what it will be by the end of next year. I came here a LONG time ago to escape people like you. And now there's nowhere left to go. I hate you. And I hate the way I KNOW you'll respond to this, which will be entirely, maddeningly typical of your kind.
Yup, better than angry birds. It's called "angry commenters" and it's not even an app.
Here's how you play:
First, find a comment or commenter on a thread that seems dumb enough play with you. Shoot, you can probably find one right below this post!
Second, reply to said comment with sarcasm, cynicism, or whatever you fancy.
Watch as the original commenter spends gobs of time trying to defend themselves.
The rules are quite simple: don't spend more than 30 seconds on a post.
Bonus points for getting others in in your thread.
Easy targets such as those with obvious mental issues are good for practice but points don't count.
We were trying to enjoy a nice family brunch at SlappyCakes last week. You, your lady and two little ones were seated next to us.
I had to feed my little one and took discreet measures to not disrupt anyone's meal. Gradually my hand position had shifted revealing my breast and if your child hadn't had said "look daddy a booby", I probably wouldn't have noticed. I adjusted and it was eventually exposed again.
I wasn't really embarrassed at all and it was all good until you took out your iPhone and started acting like you were doing something other than taking photos of my tit.
You were soo obvious, it was almost painful.
We're you video taping me? Do you wack off to that stuff?
You are disgusting and shame on you for creating such a horrible vibe.
Hopefully your lady reads this and kicks you in the nuts you perverted creep. You were with your family for fucks sake!
I'll miss sitting on my front porch, the smell of Pine State next door. When I told you a year ago that our power bill had increased dramatically, you acted like you didn't know why. As it turns out, we have been paying the heating bill for the upstairs unit in this duplex for the three years we've lived here. Instead of rewiring the house so the people upstairs pay to heat their own apartment, while you pay the bill for the common areas, and I pay only for the utilities in my own apartment, you are evicting a family of four. I've been paying an average of $200 per month, yet have to keep all our appliances turned off and cannot afford to heat my own apartment. When I asked for more time to find a place to live, because it's hard to find a place now that I'm disabled and in school, you responded by threatening to have us forcibly thrown out on the street. By the way, the basement is leaking again, you still haven't repaired the plumbing or the wiring, so the place is a fire hazard. Good luck keeping renters here in the future, because I intend to make it known that despite this being one of the coolest apartments in the city, it's unfortunately owned by a spineless little twat of a "man."
Hey. I have some news for you. Your MFA in 17th century English poetry does not entitle you to a job. I'm sorry. It just doesn't. Do you know why? People do not give jobs to poets as a rule. Neither does your degree in French revolutionary art. Or your degree in Hindu customs during the Easter Revolution. And those of you brave enough to try and get into the publishing industry? Good fucking luck. It's a dying profession.
Stop whining about how you wasted 7 years of your life and got to be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt because someone, somewhere told you your useless degree was an automatic ticket to the middle class. Now that you're out, you probably need some job skills because that's the way it always worked.
And how about we stop looking down at the trades and telling people to go through the "education" maze. There's no shame in being a carpenter, or an electrician or a sheet metal worker. It's a job. And whose to say those people aren't otherwise intelligent? Just because they didn't do a capstone course?
Get off your classist high horses for two goddamned seconds and accept that no one owes you a job. And Portland employers, you do not need a degree to work in the Netflix call center for the love of god.
Dear shithead pervy inconsiderate tactless clamoring suburbanites invading my space in more ways than one:
I was standing in line at my favorite coffee shop, that I visit daily, when the two groups of you spotted each other from opposite sides of the shop and decided to meet each other halfway—which was, coincidentally, precisely where I was standing—and proceeded to surround me on all sides and yammer loudly about how you were doing and what you were up to. I was trapped in an auricular windtunnel of shit that I didn't care about. I tried to edge myself forward in line to get away from you, but the creepy old man of your group thought this would be a good opportunity to get close enough to cop a feel. My friend behind the counter working there saw this and let me move to the front of the line to get away from you. I was too meek in real life to confront you about it, so instead I have to sit here and hope that maybe he will die on Christmas. I hope you have a happy fucking holiday with your fucking creeper grandpa, you fucking fucks.
Portland, I loved you once. I loved you when you were full of decaying industrial buildings and the Deschutes brewery was the only local one with decent beer. I loved you when SE was a place where the working class lived and there were affordable apartments around the city.
I loved you when I could talk to natives wherever it was I worked. People born in places beyond the Cascades and didn't fear them, like Pendleton. Before "sustainability," before awful little clothing shops with neutral colors everywhere, before dreadful Thai restaurants that all taste the same. Before horrifically ugly "crafts." Before idiots with mini bike locks in their back pockets blew through red lights. Before the trundling masses made their way through Powell's or the Pearl District became a beacon for over development.
Before the insidious gentrification of NE Portland.
I hate you now. I hate my beautiful city and the fucking idiots that moved here. I hate every one of you sanctimonious assholes that refused to make your own town better. I miss blue collar Portland. I miss real Portland. I miss dives before they were ironic.
If I could find a Portland before whatever clusterfuck this place is now, I'd move. For now I just have to ask people to GET THE FUCK OUT NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM.
Hey jerk on 22nd and Halsey! I asked for your help! I was being followed and attacked by a crazy drunk for sticking up for someone. He was going to beat and rob me! your response was " Can you guys not do this in front of my house?" You passive aggressive yuppy coward! What the fuck is wrong with you?! I was flailing my arms asking for help. That man was attacking and harassing people at Fred Meyer and had followed and chased me that far for standing up to him. Can we not do this in front of your house?! Is the presentation of your property so important that you can't guts up to help someone who obviously needs it? You were brave enough to sit in your car and worry about the sidewalk in front of your home. Oh well! At least you looked like a punk in front of your kids.
Violence is the revenge of the uneducated.
The uneducated don't make the laws.
Violence will always be unlawful.
Emotional and financial pain are the revenge of the educated.
The educated make the laws.
Emotional and financial pain will always be lawful.
Understand this precept and you will understand this country.
This is for the two really drunk guys at the strip club, who asked me to drive them to there hotel and fuck them. I'm glad you where both really drunk, and really generous with your money. After already giving me $200 I drove you to your seedy motel, the two of you where buck naked before I could even take off my shoes and shirt. Then I asked for money up front, $300 each, you did it. Then you let me walk out the door when I told you the condoms where in the car. HAHAHA....you got fucked. Thanks my rent was due, and safe trip back to Nebraska, and thanks for not rapping me before I could rip you off.
To the jackholes who zoom past pedestrians at break-neck speed nearly running them over: There is a reason the sidewalk is called a sideWALK, and not a sideRIDE - it was designed for people to WALK on it, not RIDE on it. If you are too much of a wimp to brave the traffic, that is perfectly understandable. Simply find streets that with fewer cars on them, and bike there. I don't care how hip it is to 'bricolage' (look it the fuck up if you don't know what it means); the sidewalk's intended function was/is for pedestrians and not for traffic, and when you are cyclist, you are traffic.
It really only happened one time, the sucking of the penis, and this Mexican had a certain allure (but a very small penis), however that tends to happen...grow to love your dude, my dude's were always Mexican. Mexican Mafia and shit...they always had both, black and white, always answered the phone, always showed up, shit...unless they were in jail, they would sure as hell come take your money. Mexicans are the hard working mother fuckers, oh its thanksgiving, no problem....Sex and drugs sell, do they not. As a kid I learned by listening, if I was exhausted by someones conversation, thats the kind I tried not to have. I don't know, everyone's different. Usually, when people start talking about drugs, I want to blow my fucking head off..."yeah dumb ass, addiction sucks, life is hard" whine, whine, cry..sob.."Oh, wow, crazy you stole some shit and it was sketchy"...Well..fuck..you better GET BETTER because if your thinking your story is shocking or original, you probably just started doing drugs and you've probably got years of stealing ahead of you, WHAT, no get your own hustles fool...I HATE the words Euphoric or anything that people use to talk about how good their "high" felt, SHUT UP YOU FUCKING HIPPY...no shit, you think millions are addicted to drugs because it feels bad....oh wait, there's where the fun ends..then the poor me, I hit rock bottom, Im a felon, My friends are Dying...I almost died...seven days clean
Old Portland, why must you entice me with grainy old black and white photographs of yourself? Your neon sign filled boulevards, your simple and yet artistic billboards advertising products now long gone and your wonderfully crafted automobiles filling the air with exhaust. I never saw you in person, but I long for you, I do. I long to walk down the street and get lost among men in suits, women in dresses and little children always holding their mother's gloved hand. When I see a photo of what you once were, I miss you. I never knew you, but I miss you. You had some bad some bad traits, yes... some even horrible. But, the pictures you left behind are nothing but beautiful. I love you.
Dear Portland Women of All Dating Sites Ever,
Please stop posing with your fluffy animals on every single profile you make. That's neat that you like your cat/dog. If you didn't you would be a horrible person. It show me nothing about you other than I would have to pony up a large bill of antihistamines to ever hang out at your place. Which I must say is a sizable investment for someone even as cute as you, who I have never even met. Your pet portraits have a home on facebook for people that have met your pet and might feel some sort of emotional investment in the little allergenic furball. As an introduction it gets an instant veto.
I get the idea behind what you are doing, however I cannot support the way you are going about it. Someone clearly has gone through the trouble of organizing your event, I mean those matching shirts didn't make themselves. You created a list of people to participate, sent out a Facebook invite and all sorts of mass texts, chose a date and a starting time, too. So why, oh why, can you not decide beforehand which bars you are going to patronize? And once you have chosen your locations, why not just give those places a heads up that you will be a big group of people arriving all at once? Would you show up to a restaurant with 30 people unannounced?(And if you would, this serves two purposes). That way the bar can plan to staff for you. Even if you are only going in for one or two drinks, you are bombarding the servers and annoying the other customers. And for fucks sake, before you head out on your quirky little adventure, stop by the ATM and get some money so that you can PAY IN CASH! That way you won't be rolling your eyes at the staff as they are trying to close out multiple cards all at once, as well as helping out a small business avoid exorbitant card processing fees, especially on such small transactions. I am neither a bartender (although I have been) nor a business owner, but as a customer who loves my bartenders and my bar, please take heed so that in the future you may suck a little less.
I love you.
Hey people - i have herpes & hemorrhoids. i just want to say that it actually hurts when these diseases are used as the ultimate punishment or shame for Republicans. It truly hurts my feelings, as that is the ultimate insult.
My hemorrhoids came as a result of constant anal rape. And pregnancy. The herpes was from an old friend, that i trusted.
i am rather repulsed by the ultra-PC attitude, these days, but, please consider that when you use a shameful, lifelong STD as a joke, it does hurt people. Thanks.
I know that the PBA does some good things. That said, this is the biggest group of turd-burglars in the city. What makes them turd-burglars? Why... they steal turds, of course. Anyone and everyone involved in the PBA is a burglar of turds. They should be grouped into a pen and have their hands scrubbed.
My resolution for 2012? Stay the fuck away from you people. The men here are whining entitled little nice guys who think they're above creepiness, all the while hinting at "she deserved it."
The writers are so desperate they try and portray Portland's "fashion" scene as interesting. Or the music scene is at all good. When really you're just pandering to a bunch of self indulgent little pricks still bent on being the next Smiths. THE BUS LEFT THE STATION 30 YEARS GO. But the commenters can only come up with tired hipster references.
AND CAN WE GET OVER PORTLANDIA?
And the editor. Oh boy the editor. A 12 year old boy who approves bullshit like some Seattle-ite coming to Portland to lol at our strip bars.
And you anonymous, you. Bitching about tri-met? Non smokers? Dan Savage for ignoring your straight people problems? OR HOW ABOUT THAT FUCKING TWIX POST?
People who wear too much perfume? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Jesus Fucking Christ.
Dare I say it, that pretentious little public school boy Matt Davis actually added some content to this shit fest. But alas, Portland is so bereft of any journalism I'll probably toddle back after 3 months of not reading this garbage. And another resolution failed before it even began.
Merry Christmas you assholes! May the new year bring you all hipster herpes. (Even the CAPTCHA here is bullshit, anime?!)
Dear my friends: I don’t care about basketball. We’ve established this. It’s lame and boring and inspires moments of unsettling groupthink in you otherwise intelligent folks. Every time I try to bring up this perfectly reasonable point, you act as if I was accusing your grandmother of being Hitler. Anyway, I thought that this winter would be different. Just once we might have enjoyed the plethora of fun, interesting adventures this city has to offer, instead of spending the whole damned time camped in front of a television eating Funyuns and yelling. But now, that dream is dead. The NBA gets to have a season and I get to field about a million text messages reading, “that soundz cool, but I’m watching the game”. So, while I’m working on my ship-in-a-bottle (or getting sullenly shitfaced in my living room, whatevs), you guys go ahead and have fun watching a bunch of overpaid pituitary gland mutants trying to throw a leather pumpkin into a fishing net. See you all in March. Hopefully I’ll have a cool ship-in-a-bottle to show you.
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