Dear City-Dwelling Dog Owners,
Congratulations, you have successfully sequestered a freedom-loving large-space-requiring animal to the confines of your shitty apartment or house and your shitty cramped yard - or lack thereof. Now, as a consequence, we all have to listen to your little drop-kick piece of shit bark all day. Your dog barks at passers-by. Your dog barks at other dogs. Your dog barks at the mailman. Your dog barks out of boredom. Your dog barks at ab-so-goddamn-lutely anything. What's that you say? Your dog is not a drop-kick? Oh OK it must be a pit bull. Your goddamn penis extension that makes living in the city just that much more dangerous for the rest of us.
You fail as a dog owner and you fail at life.
Your dog shits in the park. Your dog shits on my lawn. Your dog shits in the middle of the fucking sidewalk. Do us all a favor and take your dog out back and shoot it in the forehead. It's the humane thing to do.
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!