I drank so much at Joes Cellar one night in 2007 that I drove my car up the MAX ramp on the Steel Bridge, blocking all eastbound trains. Sometime before I blacked out, I decided to drive an hour north for sex. I was probably trying to get to I-5 but don't even remember getting in the car. The next thing I knew I was stuffing items from the car under my tires, spinning them trying to get back down the ramp. Eventually I gave up, threw my pipe, weed and for no reason my cellphone over the railing, then waited for the latenight train to show up. It came, I stepped on and explained the situation. I just wanted the police to come and take me away, but that never happened. The two cops that came had no interest in arresting me. They didn't even ask how much I drank. They called a tow truck. People were abandoning the train and jumping in cabs for the airport. Eventually the tow truck came. We were all baffled as to how the car came to rest where it did. We couldn't get the tow truck anywhere near my car, so we had to winch it slowly, 50 feet back to the road. Then one cop instructed me to park it and settle up with the tow truck driver. "You want me to drive it?" I remember saying. The MAX driver was in a fit as the cops got in their car to leave I pulled around and paid for the tow. It was dawn by then. I drove a few blocks, parked again, and hiked my way back to the Steel Bridge ramps. The bums took my pipe and buds, but I found my phone! Thanks bums! And thanks Portland Police!
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