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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I Like Portland Police

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jan 25, 2012 at 1:33 AM

I drank so much at Joes Cellar one night in 2007 that I drove my car up the MAX ramp on the Steel Bridge, blocking all eastbound trains. Sometime before I blacked out, I decided to drive an hour north for sex. I was probably trying to get to I-5 but don't even remember getting in the car. The next thing I knew I was stuffing items from the car under my tires, spinning them trying to get back down the ramp. Eventually I gave up, threw my pipe, weed and for no reason my cellphone over the railing, then waited for the latenight train to show up. It came, I stepped on and explained the situation. I just wanted the police to come and take me away, but that never happened. The two cops that came had no interest in arresting me. They didn't even ask how much I drank. They called a tow truck. People were abandoning the train and jumping in cabs for the airport. Eventually the tow truck came. We were all baffled as to how the car came to rest where it did. We couldn't get the tow truck anywhere near my car, so we had to winch it slowly, 50 feet back to the road. Then one cop instructed me to park it and settle up with the tow truck driver. "You want me to drive it?" I remember saying. The MAX driver was in a fit as the cops got in their car to leave I pulled around and paid for the tow. It was dawn by then. I drove a few blocks, parked again, and hiked my way back to the Steel Bridge ramps. The bums took my pipe and buds, but I found my phone! Thanks bums! And thanks Portland Police!

 

Comments (18) RSS

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1
Let me guess: you are a white dude.
Posted by eldepeche on January 25, 2012 at 9:38 AM · Report
2
finally an i,anon that's not some trite suburban housewife complaint about cellphones, trimet or bad drivers.
Posted by arenit on January 25, 2012 at 9:45 AM · Report
3
Yes, but were hipsters somehow involved?
Posted by rich bachelor on January 25, 2012 at 10:54 AM · Report
4
This one sounds like total made-up bullshit. If this actually happened, it would have been in the news. This guy would've been arrested.
Posted by DamosA on January 25, 2012 at 12:58 PM · Report
5
Oh, totally in the news, yeah, arrested, yeah.
Posted by Leaky on January 25, 2012 at 2:50 PM · Report
6
"This guy would've been arrested"

Are you fucking kidding me? And here I thought you of all people would know your cops, especially in Pdx.
I've known of PLENTY of circumstances where (white) people have got off with a warning, usually told to walk home. I've witnessed one myself just last year, I won't go into details but it was most definitely a "what-the-fuck" scenario.

I do agree that this I, A seems fake/stupid though.

Posted by tap tap tap on January 25, 2012 at 3:02 PM · Report
7
this is just a shill ad for joe's cellar
Posted by truthypup on January 25, 2012 at 3:56 PM · Report
8
Oh boy, let me respond. Yes, I am white, early thirties, recent transplant at the time, from the midwest. There is nothing hipster about me... no tats or piercings and my clothes might as well all be from Sears. I had a dui and posession arrest in my old state, but these cops wouldn't know because they never even asked for my license. I figured I just caught them at the end of their shift. It was 3am or so, so that might be why it wasn't in the news. How would that work, anyway? Someone on the train would have called the news desk and they'd dispatch a helicopter? Stupid story? Maybe... sure... but every word was true. Also, I wouldn't go back to Joe's. It was someone's birthday and he had some long ago connection to that dark, dank dungeon.
Posted by IA on January 25, 2012 at 4:17 PM · Report
9
Joe's Cellar rules, though most people here prefer bars like Momo's that more closely resemble a bar from a sitcom like Friends.
Posted by arenit on January 25, 2012 at 4:40 PM · Report
10
Ok IA, we'll take your word for it. So, did you AT LEAST learn your lesson about DRIVING SHIT-FACED? B/c you've already admitted to doing this in two different states - so far. And it would be really super duper awesome beans if you managed to NOT ever kill anyone.
Posted by DamosA on January 25, 2012 at 9:42 PM · Report
11
Joe's is alright if you're in the mood for an old man bar. Momo's generally sucks, and it's weird that anyone would assume your average Merc reader is the target market for that bar. Especially if they stated it as fact, as opposed to very shaky opinion.
Posted by rich bachelor on January 26, 2012 at 8:16 AM · Report
12
Hellllooo? DamosA? Where are you? Where the fuck is DamosA?
Posted by Doogie on January 26, 2012 at 9:20 AM · Report
13
Good question, Colonel. I don't take joy in my fortune that night. The memory makes me a little ill and I haven't even had liquor since then. I blew 0.103 in my one dui. At the time the state limit was 0.1 so I really felt like the victim in that case. But from the train track event, what I remember most was the jaw-dropped look of disgust and disbelief from the train driver, one bystander who stood by for almost the whole time, and anyone else who spoke to me (besides the two cops who did their best to stare off into the distance). I'm happily married now with a child, and might have had a couple beers on the handful of occasions my wife and I got out for a night, but I won't be driving shit-faced anymore. However, had they not come into my life, given the free time and lack of responsibility, I could see myself abusing alcohol again... and when alcohol abusers abuse alcohol, it's tough to count on them to make sound decisions.

Oh, and Joe's isn't as bad as I suggested.
Posted by IA on January 26, 2012 at 3:14 PM · Report
14
Well, good for you.
Posted by DamosA on January 26, 2012 at 3:49 PM · Report
15
Anyone who says awesome beans (or cool beans) ought to get slapped.
Posted by Geo Liquor on January 26, 2012 at 6:52 PM · Report
16
Why don't you DO it then, you're so bad? I DARE you!
Posted by DamosA on January 26, 2012 at 8:28 PM · Report
17
Bitch you just wait.....
Posted by Geo Liquor on January 26, 2012 at 9:21 PM · Report
18
GaddafiA you still here? Damn, is someone working halftime dumb wits?
Posted by Leaky on January 28, 2012 at 4:47 PM · Report

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