Sifting Through the Vanity Projects in the Festival's Fourth Year
As I cycled carefully and slowly from the street onto the half-block of sidewalk that my building's bike entrance is on, you took it upon yourself to sneeringly and aggressively yell at me, "You're not supposed to ride on the sidewalk!"
I informed you that I was going into the entrance 20 feet away but you continued to berate me at volume. Since I have anger management issues and didn't enjoy being verbally accosted whilst doing NOTHING WRONG, I simply told you in enthusiastic terms to fuck off, but let me take this opportunity to enlighten you: YOU ARE WRONG.
Cyclists can ride on the sidewalks if a) it's not safe to ride in the street on that stretch, OR b) you are going into an entrance on that block face, AND c) you are going no faster than a walking pace.
So, dickface, when I'm obeying the law and being a considerate rider, I really don't expect to be hassled by some entitled, crabby old cracker who hasn't been laid in 10,000 years.
And I wasn't kidding - if you ever talk to me again, I'll consider it an invitation to break your ugly nose. I almost hope it happens just so that the world can see the spectacle of you in your suit, getting your ass kicked in public by a young woman wearing dorky bike commuting clothes.
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!