This Week in the Mercury

The Best of 2014


The Best of 2014

The Year's Most Memorable Moments in Music

Having It Out


Having It Out

A Court Fight Is Looming over Portland's Camping Ban—Again

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Clueless, Dipshit Bus Rider

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Feb 14, 2012 at 7:54 PM

Hey stupid asshole standing at bus stop on 82nd Ave. - if you're mad that you missed your [first] ride, well, it sure wasn't the driver's fault.

She already pulled over because another rider was getting off. She waited for afew seconds trying to figure out whether you actually wanted to board, or if you were just another dummy who randomly stands at bus stops for no good reason. She even yelled "HELLO" in an effort to get your attention. So yeah dumbfuck, she pulled off. And only THEN do you turn around and raise your arms like "what-the-fuck".

Maybe if you PULLED YOUR EAR-BUDS OUT and paid attention, you'd notice when a bus pulls up! But what really earned you the Dipshit award was after you caught a #72 TWO MINUTES LATER, as we passed by the other bus parked on NE. Cully, you felt the need to FLIP THAT DRIVER OFF! Wow. Real class act.

Stupid Valentine’s Day

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Feb 14, 2012 at 4:22 PM

Jeez I am tired of being single. Men of Portland: Could one of you please find me? I clearly have not been successful at finding you. How do you meet ladies? Ladies you like and are interested in dating? Probably it would help if I got out of the house more often. But where? I've tried volunteering, art stuff, coffee shops, chatting up random people in a variety of environments, yet nothing. My friends suggest on-line dating; I can't get excited about on-line dating. I am tired of waiting for a random event. Help me out here folks-where do single grown up guys with career jobs and reasonably well developed arm muscles hang out?

An Arresting MAX Ride

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Feb 14, 2012 at 1:01 PM

Dear Portland Police,
Maybe, just maybe, if you feel that stopping the MAX, and bringing in 3 guys in line of sight with semiautomatics, and 7-10 armed cops in bullet proof vests, so that you can pull that guy off the MAX to arrest him.... well, maybe it would make some sense to wait on this whole procedure until I'm not sitting next to the guy on a crowded train. I mean, the thing is, if you think this requires quite so much of an armed response, could you maybe not put me, and my fellow commuters in confrontational danger?

Remember When Strip Clubs Were Fun?

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Feb 14, 2012 at 11:50 AM

I do.

It's not anymore. Firing the popular girls just because they are "too old" and other nonsense. When did 27 become too old? Last time I was there I saw 2 girls that looked like 12 year olds in heels and a girl with so many tattoos on her chest and arms that in the dim red light she just looked she was covered in dirt. Dirty dirt. Who doesn't love a hot tattooed girl, it's Portland right? Well, this one may have gone a tiddly bit overboard because I wanted her to shower.

Find me a club with tits and ass, because those coked-out 18 year old ribcages just make my dick limp.


Monday, February 13, 2012

Lady... Run Away!

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Feb 13, 2012 at 2:55 PM

Your family came and sat down next to me at the Tin Shed. Hubby immediately started berating you, trying to keep it on the lowdown. You got up crying and went to the sidewalk to recover. You returned and hubby continued his tirade, glancing at me to see if I was looking. I was looking, and I was listening to his bullshit. At one point I thought he was going to hit your kid, who was being super sweet. I finally got up and told him that he was turning my stomach. He looked at me with a smile and said "Thank You". I told you to leave this sick relationship and left with a pit in my chest. Lady, you're a beautiful person. Gather what strength you have, take your kid and start living a good life away from that super control freak ass wipe.

Dear TriMet Driver

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Feb 13, 2012 at 10:21 AM

STOP FLIRTING WITH ME YOU CREEPY, OLD MAN!! Every morning, you honk the horn at me, waving at me with that creepy-ass smile. You tried to bekon me to your cab window while you were at a red light...seriously??? What did you think I was going to do - run over and give you my number? Ewwww! Even after I gave you my nastiest you-are-a-dirty-old-man look, you still try. I've flipped the bird at you several times, and still, every morning, you wave at me, with your condescending and amused grin. I'm glad you are having fun creeping me out, because I'm NOT. You aren't aren't friendly...YOU ARE A FUCKING PIG!! .And being sexually harassed by one is certainly NOT FUN! I'm not even amused by your daily morning weather reports anymore - they are creepy. Stop it. Just shut up and do your job - which, I might add, you SUCK at. You can't drive for shit - you don't slow down through turns, you constantly lurch on the gas, and, apparantly, you have to stop and go several times to get the train to line up with the platform. They should put signs all over the bus and max trains, with your picture, that say "TriMet Creep of the Year".

Grossed Out.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

You are Awesome

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Feb 12, 2012 at 10:46 AM

This is'nt a rant. More of a plea for help given my pathetic ability to use social media. I know this should be in I saw U, but I could'nt get it to work. Anyway, I met you at a bar on NE 28th last night(R** F***), utterly enjoyed talking to you. You are very compelling ...there is something totally different about you that somewhat restored my rather cynical faith in people and honesty. I would love to talk to you again and hear your views on life. I found them to be refreshing. I know all I have is your first name, and you mine, no phone number etc....but I did'nt want to come across that way. I was so intrigued, it did'nt even occur to me. Well, I hope our paths cross again, and if this is published it does'nt weird you out. I am not so good at modern media. After all, I am a history major

Avast Ye Matey

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Feb 12, 2012 at 7:04 AM

To the low life fuck who walked through the gate and onto our property to steal some prized landscaping rocks: sure hope those bring you the same memories that they did us. We collected those on trips to places that have special signifigance to us and were reminded of that whenever we saw them. Hope you dropped the big one on your foot, and that since you were too fucking stupid to seek medical help in time you end up losing that foot and having it replaced with a peg leg . Then we will hear you coming. Clip-clop, clip-clop,clip-clop.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Do you get that?

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Feb 10, 2012 at 3:56 PM

"Um.... I get that."

"Yeah. I GET that."

"uh huh. I GeT that."

Listen, brain-dead female coworker, I have no way of knowing what you know, nor do you ask very thoughtful clarifying questions and therefore I explain things to you and ensure that you are GETTING the facts. I'm a nice guy. I know how i come across to people, and in no fucking way is it deserving of your nasty little phrase that you cling to like a FUCKING LIFE JACKET IN A GODDAMN SHIPWRECK.

"Yeah. I GET that." Do you even realize how fucking condescending you sound? Why? Why do you feel the need to spit that phrase out each goddamn time we speak? Are you intimidated because I'm smarter? Younger? Have seniority at our company?

Whatever the HELL it is, deal with it. I'm sick of fucking hearing your "yeah. I GET that." and smelling your NASTY food at lunch and seeing your stupid fucking car backed into your space unnecessarily.

Do you GET that?


Dear Security Agency Owner

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Feb 10, 2012 at 2:09 AM

To the owner of the security agency I work for. I appreciate the way you promoted narcissism over intelligence consistently. It's nice to know that former school bullies can still harass and belittle us chess geeks without penalty, and how the clients' wishes are always trumped by authority and ignorance. I appreciated the long shifts without access to a restroom, and how asking for one singled me out as 'having too many problems'. I love how all my coworkers would individually complain about the same mistreatments but each of us was told “You're the only one saying that.” I especially love how we're supposed to record everything but can't document taking our breaks (for billing reasons) which requires us to either not have a break or commit perjury. But I do have a question. Why does anyone think our company can be trusted to protect their valuables when YOU don't pay us enough to afford rent,bills or health insurance, if we get sick we're screwed. How do your clients believe your officers won't steal. Statistically speaking those people you identify as having “leadership quality” (ie narcissistic personality disorder / schoolyard bullies) are the ones who provably are most likely to steal, followed closely by the working poor. Your entire staff is a gaggle of ticking time bombs wearing fluffy jackets with deep pockets. I completely understand why you changed the company to an L.L.C. (Limited Liability Company). That way you aren't legally responsible for your own mess.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

My Old Pal

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Feb 9, 2012 at 8:52 PM

I had a crack dealer once and he was actually a really nice guy. I'll leave his name out of this, for it is quite unique and I do owe him a 'solid'. Once, I met him by the old Jockey Club on Killingsworth to buy a $40 and he told me that it was his birthday. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was just going to spend it with family and take it easy. During Thanksgiving, he told me about the deep fried turkey he ate and how much fun he had. This one time, when I couldn't reach him by phone, I ventured out on my own to find a rock or two. By happenstance, I passed him outside of that Paragon bar and he called me over. He scolded and told me that it was dangerous for me to be out there alone and then he sold me a $20. For a crack dealer, he was a really nice and personable guy with a lot of heart. I'll never forget the humanity my dealer brought to the experience of my 2 years of buying crack. I don't smoke it anymore, it's been many, many years. And to correct any of you racists out there assuming your shit, I am not black. So there.

Lilly White Rag, Portland Mercury

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Feb 9, 2012 at 1:18 PM

I've known since moving here that everything I read would be aimed at white folks. But now that don cornelius is dead and you people don't say a word about him in this rag I now believe all I've learned about Portland. [Actually, I practically bawled my eyes out about it here... but why stop this guy when he's on a roll?—Editor] Like we should stay out of elmers restaurants because blacks get treated like shit there. That white people with dreads look like dogs with the mange. And if you drive out of town don't stop til you get to where you're going cuz if you stop anywhere before that you may get lynched. Finally there ain't no soul in north/northeast Portland because thats the way you want it

Dear New Age Passive Aggressor

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Feb 9, 2012 at 11:08 AM

So I had locked my bike up on the hand railing of your establishment while I was next door taking a yoga class. I can just picture you inside your fucking snake oil peddling hypnosis studio, waiting with bated breath for me to finish so you could come out and give me a piece of your mind. At this point you proceeded to march out with your tibetan prayer beads rattling on your wrist, and dump the hottest piece of passive aggressive bullshit on me I've ever encountered, here in the nation's capital of passive aggressiveness. "It's my railing" "I shouldn't have to tell you" "I think this is completely unacceptable." I was just trying to keep my bike out of the rain, if you talked to me like a reasonable human being, I would have understood that this didn't work for you apologized, and been on my way. If i were half the man I was 5 years ago, I would have taken a flame thrower to your patchouli-stink bullshit. Fuck you forever.

Certain I,A commenter

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Feb 9, 2012 at 8:44 AM

Get the fuck out. No seriously. No one can tell if you're just a troll or a goddamned moron. I'm thinking the latter.

No one listens to you. No one likes you. Everyone just argues with you because it's fun to see you screw up your little internet face in rage.

Your comments are stupid and unwanted, your points are ill thought out and ignorant. Shut the fuck up and go away.

Thank you, Anonymous.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Pill Poppers Beware

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Feb 8, 2012 at 2:44 PM

Today I've lost some hope in Humanity because of you Asshole! You think someone is a good person and a friend but instead You stole 10 of my fathers pain pills when I invited you to my families homes. REALLY? My father has stage 4 cancer you FUCKING LOSER! Then you took and replaced my Sister-in-Laws muscle relaxers with Aspirin, She's Allergic YES, ALLERGIC to Aspirin. You're lucky she noticed before she took one or I'd be at you're house now bashing you're face into the pavement!. Needless to say you are no longer welcome Into those homes. So for all of you Pill-Popping Fucks, Next time take into consideration that the person you're Fucking over MIGHT just need the fucking pills more than you do and PLEASE Consider that they may be ALLERGIC to the Pills you're replacing them with. Get Treatment FUCKING ASSHOLES!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Protest ...A Hair School!

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Feb 7, 2012 at 8:26 PM

To the group of protesters who filled our hair school in the Pearl:
Let’s be honest.

You’re the same dorks that didn’t get laid in high school or invited to parties and now, angry at the world, you feel victimized. Starving for vindication that you’ve done something meaningful with your lives and an insatiable hunger for attention, you —out spoken weaklings- found empowerment marching into a school of 99% women where you finally got to flex your muscles!
Does it feel good to disrupt a learning environment? You’re angry over Dosha’s issues so you take it out on the sister company… do you also scream at grocery store cashiers when the produce isn’t up to snuff?

I’d say come in and let me cut your ratted locks, but I saw your filthy socks with sandals and pegged you for “no tippers”.
Fuck you.

Energy Trust and Oregon Department of Energy

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Feb 7, 2012 at 6:46 PM

These organizations line the pockets of the 1%.
Landlords "improve" their property with insulation, new windows or solar and receive huge tax rebates for doing so. My problems with this are:
1) They already receive a write-off for the capital improvements, so why do they need additional rebates?
2) They then jack up their rents under the rubric of "reduced energy costs" for the tenants.
3) They are also paying a much lower tax % than the people who work for them. Labor income vs. investiment income.
A bunch of greenwashing hooey!

Bucket of Shit

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Feb 7, 2012 at 5:23 PM

Since early December, I've been shitting into a large bucket I keep in my garage. My original intention was revenge on a car driven by a neighborhood asshole but he has since moved on. The cold temperatures have kept the smell rather mild so I have some time to figure out who should get it. I've got a few ideas but I'm still entertaining others....
It contains no toilet paper and no diarrhea so it's some pretty pure loggins.

Keep your eyes peeled for a massive pile of my finest feces this spring (or sooner).

How a Traffic Circle Works, Fuckers

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Feb 7, 2012 at 4:30 PM

Apparently a lot of drivers think they are buses. Or maybe they think that because you drive counterclockwise around a traffic circle, that constitutes a right turn. Either which way, Laurelhurst residents/passers-by, you're all fucking idiots. That right hand lane at Coe Circle labeled "right turn only, except bus" means just that. It means you can't skip the line in the left lane, swoop into the circle, change lanes and cut me off. It means that you can't go three stops around the circle, essentially turning left. It means you have to go fucking RIGHT. Please stop making me almost hit you. Thanks.


RE: Curb Your Snake

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Feb 7, 2012 at 3:07 AM

My "devilish reptile friend"? His name is johnny, and he is my little baby. You scared the crap out of him when you ran out of the bathroom with your hands up in the air screaming. And since you had your arms in the air, where was your baby? Cause I didn't see or smell it, and according to your repulsive description, we all should have. All I saw was a deranged young woman fleeing from the bathroom as if all hell were chasing her. After I managed to cease my hysterical laughter, a couple of young girls name up to me and asked his name and actually TOUCHED him without following your example. I guess my point is GROW THE FUCK UP AND ACT LIKE THE ADULT YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU ARE. Jeeze its just a snake for cryin out loud....

Monday, February 6, 2012

Spending A Night With A Naked Woman And My Parents

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Feb 6, 2012 at 11:26 PM

How was my evening you ask? Let me sum it up this way: watching 60 year old men (in the same room as your mother and father) fondle a young woman's nipples was not the way I thought I'd be spending my Saturday night.
In walked a tall, leggy woman with the largest breasts I'd ever seen in person. She was only wearing a bikini top, a g-string, and a skirt that didn't quite cover her butt cheeks. She instantly walked up to the 60 year old birthday boy and sat on his lap. I got to experience my first lap dance, with my parents sitting right next to me. Yes, I'd always dreamed of sharing a special moment like that with my parents. And, the best part? Watching my own father stuff a crisp bill into the back of a woman's g-string. Nothing says "family bonding" quite like that.
Maybe I'm a bigger prude than I ever thought. I was so uncomfortable sitting there, watching all these strange older men turn into wild animals taken directly from the forest and thrown into this habitant. I certainly hadn't planned on seeing the nipples of a strange man tonight (not to mention the fact that I saw his black underwear too).

Burning The Candle At Both Ends

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Feb 6, 2012 at 11:18 PM

Today's idiom I taught my ESL class: burning the candle at both ends. Let's just say I could totally use myself as an example. I literally lost my thought four times during class today, completely unable to remember what the hell I was talking about. I mean, I can act like a total nutjob in class with my students sometimes, but I've never actually been one. I need to slow down for some "me" time. Between work, visiting my mom at the hospital in all my free moments, and starting a business with a friend (with a deadline looming very closely overhead), I'm about ready to be locked up in a psych ward.

I'm about to go postal on a few people's asses.

Only Mother Teresa Could/Would Help You

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Feb 6, 2012 at 6:47 PM

You filthy, drunk, obese, entitled twunts. I worked very hard to earn this job because I genuinely cared about people. Instead, I find myself playing waitress for you worthless fucks. There are genuine sick people here. Because when you left last time and decided not to take our advice of no more smoking, drinking, cocaine, crack or meth you do not automatically get your "old room back". Adult diapers and walkers are not intended for capable humans in their thirties. Your ascites is not sexy and your gown is not a cape. Please lose some fucking weight so that perhaps you can wipe your own ass you T-Rex armed butterball piece of shit. Fuck you and your Hoveround. I hate that I hate you but it is a very deep soul hatred so there is no denying or suppressing it. Mother Teresa was truly a saint if she put up with likes of your gangrenous bullshit.

Enter the 405 Like the Rest of Us, You F*ck-Asses

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Feb 6, 2012 at 3:25 PM

It's 5:45. I've come across the Ross Island bridge, and am headed up the hill to get onto the 405 where I will eventually get onto Highway 30. And there you are again, you dumb f*ck-ass.

I've been inching up the hill for the past 10 minutes. NPR is keeping me company. This isn't my happy time, but having just left work it's pretty damn close. And there you are. F*ck-ass.

You zipped up the hill, through the lights and now you want into my lane. You're lingering, right before the ramp down onto the highway. F*ck-asses. Blinker on. Just WAITING for me to break so that you can squeeze in and head home to Beaverton. No. I waited for 10 damn minutes to get on the freeway. You? Mr. F*ck-ass? You didn't. So guess what, f*ck-ass? I'm gassing this bitch and not letting you in. Wait for another sucker who isn't in a hurry to go home.

F*ck-asses. All of 'em.

Slow Walkers I’m Going to Punch You in the Head

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Feb 6, 2012 at 3:15 PM

Dear ambling people of Portland. MOVE THE FUCK ALONG OR GET OUT OF MY WAY.


Most Popular I, Anonymous Best of the Merc

Most Commented on I, Anonymous

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy