To my dear coworkers: You know that email we all got from our supervisor saying that we all need to practice better hygiene at the office? You know, the one where he mentioned someone complained about finding nail clippings on the conference room table? Yes, it was I who sent it. I wrote our boss and expressed to him my disgust that one of YOU people were leaving your nail clippings around, leaving the bathroom without the fan on and sans air freshener, which allows the scent of shit to slowly creep through the office. I also wrote that I believed someone was intentionally not flushing sometimes. Here's the deal, my beloved coworkers: I am the one doing all this stuff. I clip my nails and let them fly! I take shits and allow my odor to infiltrate the office. I sometimes don't flush and when I'm in a certain mood, I'll let my stuff scrape the seat lid. I pop zits and leave the goo on the corner of mirrors. Boogers under seats... ALL of this is me. ME, I tells ya! Damn if I'm not so fucking bored working there and damn if I don't make more money than most of you. And dammit if I don't find my behavior fucking hilarious. I guess I'm just a big kid who only pretends to be a grownup. I am not planning on stopping, I just needed to vent.
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