Hey mom, I just want to remind you that you fucking suck. I'd tell you in person, but I never have any idea what rehab clinic you're living in, or whether or not you're dead. That is, until you call from some weird number and leave rambling messages or suddenly show up at my apartment looking for twenty dollars. Well, I'll never give you so much as a nickel as long as you want to go on pretending that giving birth makes you deserving of anyone's respect (especially mine). But I'll give a lot more than twenty dollars to Planned Parenthood. In fact, that's my new mother's day ritual. I'm aware that they're mostly in the business of pap smears, but if I can imagine that my money fills up the free condom bowl, or helps one fuck-up vacuum a fetus out of her uterus, saving someone from a life like mine, I can sleep just a little easier at night.