To the birthday boy at the Red Fox Thursday night,
You're an inconsiderate dickhead. Who the fuck throws up at a bar four times on their 55th birthday? How do you not know how much alcohol your body is OK with by that age? The negative result is not just you being embarrassed, loud, projectile vomiting actually puts a huge damper on all conversations in say a thirty foot radius. You could have walked around to the side of the building or to the bathroom when you realized your stomach was not doing so well but no you stuck it out so everyone on the patio got to watch, hear and smell it with you. Grow the fuck up or stay at home.
My kid is almost 2 and he's pretty stoked on the drinking fountain and I can see that your dog is too. There's a dog bowl that someone kindly put on the ground so dogs could drink out of it. but hey you don't have control over what your 100+ lb wolf hybrid does right?! Go ahead, it's cool. Let dog get right up on the fountain and and lap that shit up. What was really cool though was when your friend said the old: " I hear that dog's mouths are clean then humans." I don't know about your dog but mine eats cat shit and licks her own cooch, as I'm sure most people's dogs do. I don't eat cat shit or lick my balls all day but somehow that fuckin' dogs mouth is cleaner that mine. Go figure. So, in the future my kid would like to drink from the fountain and not catch some kind of hep. or flesh eating bacteria from your dogs super clean mouth. Use the fuckin' bowl lady.
Hey asshole. I got behind you at the red light because you did not have your turn signal on. Once the light turned green, you crept out about 2 feet and THEN turned it on!?
Yes that's me behind you honking and pantomiming a giant WTF!
The fucking nightly news ought to cover this pussie footing phenomenon.
"Late signaling turners make man go homicidal. Film at 11"
I do not smoke. I am sick of seeing graphic pictures of open-heart surgery with captions informing me of my risk of heart attack if I don't stop smoking every time i get stuck behind one of your buses.
You don't care about me. Or any of us. If you did you wouldn't be eliminating all of your free programs. I almost want to take up smoking just to spite you.
Maybe I'll die of lung cancer and not have to see those goddamn pictures anymore. And not have to pay your ridiculous fares.
That smell? That smell is my butt. See, I've been eating healthier lately and that means less cheese. It appears there's such a thing as cheese tolerance as I had a pizza last night.
It hit my intestines like a bomb. That smell is the cheese from the pizza hitting my digestive tract and creating noxious gas. Now normally, I'd go into the bathroom or even outside to spare you. But right now that would mean about every 10 minutes.
They're not sharts either.
I don't have to poop yet. But for your and my sake.
I hope the poop comes soon.
Crazy Lady who lives in the next complex over, directly across the courtyard from my balcony, and always keeps her windows wide open and her blinds all the way up, please seek help already. I've called the cops once already (the day you screamed and ranted profanely non-stop from 6 a.m. until 7 p.m., and I finally realized you were NOT engaged in a domestic dispute but were in the apartment ALONE) and you are really a major pain in the ass. You are seriously interferring with my enjoyment of my otherwise lovely abode and I can't IMAGINE how you haven't been evicted yet; your IMMEDIATE neighbors must love it! I don't know if you're drunk or crazy or BOTH when you go off like this (you sound both), but you obviously think you're talking to someone, as you stand at your window and yell, about how (the latest script) you "just got back from Iraq, helping them install heaters for the winter, got bin Laden, and then I went down to the unemployment agency to help all those people find a job and (unintelligible) I can show you how to refinance your house at 4%, etc..." SHUT THE FUCK UP already! Start a fucking BLOG or something. Or at least close your damned windows.
I watched a blind man listen to the trickle of a fountain today. It's located between the stairs that separate the food court and the Student Rec Center. He stopped, put his cane into the water and made a splash. He tilted his head with a smile and said to no one, "It's water... imagine that."
He paused a moment longer, smiling at his discovery, his cane splashing about. It lightened my heart to watch this man truly experience such a delightful surprise.
Way to good universe! It made me appreciate that fountain so much. I've walked by it a million times, ate my lunch by it a million times and never did it give me such genuine joy. Thank you to that man - he made me see things a little differently today.
I saw you and was hooked. Your dog's name is Oliver, and my dogs name is Jake. You had on pink/black athletic shoes, and a stunning outfit. Lets meet with the dogs again 10 am. I will be there Sunday through Fridays. You woman, me man.
Dear waitress at inner se gastropub, I feel I should explain. I'm the kind of guy who tips a barista 50 cents to a buck for pulling a muffin out of a glass case, so you'll have to understand that me leaving a $0 tip is uncharacteristic. Our food took almost an hour to arrive, people were seated, had eaten, and left before we got our meal. It felt like you forgot to put in the order for our food. You brought me the wrong meal, then you wanted to blame me for ordering the wrong thing. You brought me a take out box when we asked. But you didn't drop the bill til 15 minutes later, and didn't bring us a pen to sign the receipt. So we scratched a 0 into it, and left it for you. Don't worry we won't be back. Next time we'll hit the food carts.
Dude, I'm really sorry. On the off chance you read this, I was riding my horse this morning down Overton and I think your car did one of those beep things. Because I'm used to people freaking out at me riding my slow horse down the road I flipped you off and called you an asshole.
I'm really sorry. I only realized you weren't beeping at me later on. I'm the asshole.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: The person who submitted the following I, Anonymous obviously did not see our announcement that there is currently a two-month moratorium on all "I hate bicyclists, they're all crazy, and I wish they were dead!" posts. Therefore I have changed all mentions of "bicycle" to "hoppity ball." Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.]
Dear Woman who ran my Mother down while riding her hoppity ball on the sidewalk,
Have you no descent bone in your self righteous body? As my Mom was leaving work, and headed to the MAX stop at NE 7th, You decided it would be quicker to ride your hoppity ball on the busy sidewalk, than it would be to ride in a designated hoppity ball lane, OR IN THE STREET. So when you plowed into a 60 year old Grandmother and worried about your how your hoppity ball handle was bent, you completely neglected to worry about the other human being with wicked road rash on her elbow. People like you make hoppity ball-ists look bad. I hope your Mom gets run over too someday.
To the owner of the shop on Division: I believe the majority of our local anuses make a pilgrimage to your chode abode to attach themselves to some kind of culture via body modifying.
Fair enough. It makes for easier douche spotting and I am forever grateful for that.
However, it's time to fuck off. The towns pierced and gauged up to capacity. Take your hoaky sneetch train elsewhere. You and your fucking elitist attitude will only continue to get you shitty service and stink eye all over town looking like some sketcher gone smug. "oh look at me! I'm so alternative yet here I am driving a 2011 Mercedes". Puke, harf and vomit!
We spotted you about a mile off. The minute we sat down I looked at my husband and said "fuck. That guy is going to kick off." You'd probably been drinking since the Timbers started the match they (surprisingly) won. And then crossed the void from happy drunk to total fucking dick. (Benefit of the doubt here.)
I don't know why you decided to fuck with someone's motorcycle. A regular no less. But you did.
And he punched you. And I'm so fucking happy he punched you.
What I'm even happier about was when the cook/bouncer came flying out of the fucking kitchen to pin your ass and make sure you never come back.
Every fucking time there's a fight in this bar, it's because of someone like you. Some asshole in khaki shorts and a turned baseball cap with a Timbers scarf decides to be a big man. You're really just pathetic pieces of shit and we laugh at you.
For the record, if any of the rest of you assholes decide to go to this bar? Don't. We can all spot you. The waitresses saw it, the bartenders saw it, the regulars saw it and the cook took care of it. Everyone was waiting for an excuse.
Go to the fucking Gypsy or somewhere else. Your Axe reeking, dickbag asses aren't welcome. Go fucking glass and kill each other on your own turf and leave us alone.
We go to this bar because you don't.
Him: i can't stand leggings or any of that shit, it just shows a girl has given up
me: whoa, I'm currently in leggings, sir
Him: its bascially saying i don't really care i'm wearing this anyways and i don't care what dudes think about me
me: I'm sure you don't look stellar 24/7, sir
Him: i'm a dude, girls are supposed to look hot
Him: why the whoa?
me: double standard much?
Him: guys are like jeeps
me: girl = always pretty = happy men?
Him: girls are like ferraris, guys will get you where you need to go and go off road if need be, but girls are beautiful and need to be waxed and polished up. girl = looking good= confident= not getting comfortable in a relationship = good relationship
me: ... I sincerely, SINCERELY hope you're joking
Him: sorta - i'm just saying guys are functional, girls are to be flaunted
me: Hmmm, well. I'm not getting into this with you, but I disagree. I know you mean this in a nice way, but it's completely piggish and insulting.
Him: well i'll allow you to think that since you're hot :)
Folks, guess what's the cause of the slow-down of the economy here, and some countries abroad, such as Greece, Spain, Italy, as well as Egypt and Syria and others! It's the coming of the technology! And its negative engagement of over a billion of us, who are addicted to it worldwide; who sit at it 14 to 16 hours a day, who cannot part with it, and have no desire to get a job! They are broke and live a miserable life. Of course, this doesn't concern the folks who have jobs using the laptop and alike, the students, the elderly, those involved in research and so forth; they're exempt from this. [The folks who work with technology, get paid for their work, and pay their share of taxes are exempt from this blame.] The people I'm talking about, they're mostly young adults who sit at their laptops at home or cyber-cafÉs and so forth, all hours of the day and neglect everything else; their non-involvement (not getting a job) results in no income, which results in paying no income taxes. This lazy segment of the society, which comprise of billion or more worldwide, it creates poor governments which can not run its affairs such as Greece: We are hurting too; the reason we're not (yet) as bad as the Greeks is because our population is over 300 million and it takes much longer for us to feel the impact! Just think, up to 40+ years ago, this lazy segment was not inflicted by the technology; they were running around working and making money, thus paying taxes. Technology is great and help [EXCEEDED WORD LIMIT (or perhaps died?)—Eds]
Was it really necessary to come up from behind me and dump your drink all over me as you exited the bus just because i didn't let you use my cell phone? First of all, you rudely asked to use my cell phone as if you were entitled to use it, with no "excuse me" or "please". Second, I'm not about to let just any stranger on the bus use my phone, especially one who decides to react the way you did, simply because someone told you "no". You're lucky i had somewhere to be and that I didn't get off the bus to follow you and your stupid little snickering friend. Its too bad that you're probably half my age and kicking your ass would land me in jail. But karma is as real as Portland is small, and if I see you again on that bus that I frequent, trust me, I'll really want to retaliate in the worst way possible. But since I am a decent human being that doesn't believe in beating up children, I will simply wish that you walk directly under a flock of shitting seagulls. Way to represent your shitty generation. Learn some fucking manners you disgusting degenerate.
I'm sorry I passed you by the other day when you tried to flag me and my friend down for something. You were sitting in your red Audi, asked us to check on something? I don't know.
What I do know is that if it had been me in your position, driving my broke-ass car with my scrappy fashion sense...you would not have stopped to help me.
Sometimes people like you gotta learn what's it like to be people like us.
I really do love taking the bus to and from work. I do it every day, Monday through Friday. And nearly every morning as I'm listening to my music and focusing on nothing, the same obnoxious, 19 year old, socially retarded, dumb fuck honks his horn at me, flashes me a smile and gestures for me to get into his dirty, lifted, covered in "I love hunting" stickers, truck.
Seriously? When has this ever worked?
Can someone clue me in on the allure to young men honking at women? First, it startles the shit out of us and then instantly pisses us off.
What is your motivation??!! Do you want a complete stranger getting into your ride? Do you think I'll be so moved by this romantic notion of fucking honking my ear off that I'll jump into your big rig and give you an appreciative morning handy?
Stop it. Seriously. You drive east on Powell Blvd in a dark red, early 2000s Ford pick up. You ruin my mornings.
You: The White hipster lesbian chic-appropriating stuck-up biotch, judging me as you pranced by.
Me: Minding my own fucking business with my boyfriend.
Yeah, I know that my inter-racial gay relationship is apparently offensive to you, since you walked by giving us stink-eye...but seriously can you reign that shit in? I mean, you did it THREE TIMES. That's kind of excessive. P.S. Nice Mohawk. Also, go fuck yourself.
I just want to give a shout out to the dickbag tour guide who has the schtick about calling Salmon Street Springs the “take a shower you dirty, fucking hippy” fountain. “And there should be shampoo and conditioner dispensers! Ha! Ha!” I get it. You make shit wages with no benefits for the privilege of showing off “weird” Portland to a bunch of mealy tourists who will all go home and feel better about their mundane, normal lives because once they trusted a fedora-wearing, sailor mouthed tour guide to take them on a walk on the wild side. They’ll say, “Whew! We survived and it sure is a good thing our town isn’t weird and dirty like Portland. I sure did like those Voodoo Donuts, though!”
You know what? The “weird” is inseparable from Portland’s greatest virtues, which are understanding, tolerance and acceptance, you piece of shit. Without acceptance, there would be no Voodoo Donuts. Without tolerance, there would be no Pioneer Courthouse Square. Without understanding there would be no Tom McCall Waterfront Park and the Mt. Hood Freeway would have made huge chunks of the eastside unlivable.
I don’t know about you, but I grew up here. I don’t want people laughing at my city. I want people to go home and be inspired to create a little bit of awesome in their own hometown. You may have a crap job herding around a bunch of people who were too lame to learn how to explore a new city on their own, but you could at least not be a dick about it.
Sorry, Pop - I didn't call you on Father's Day. Your son's an asshole, I know. And, to be completely honest, I didn't even forget this year like I have so many times in the past - this time I simply chose not to be compelled to call you when it wasn't convenient for me just for the sake of some arbitrary date that society (whatever that means) deemed to be the official day for me to call you, EVEN THOUGH WE JUST SPOKE A COUPLE OF DAYS BEFORE.
To be more honest, it wasn't even that it was inconvenient for me to call you that day (I wasn't working and was pretty much sitting around reading and smoking cigarettes), it's just that I don't think I could've actually brought myself to say the words "Happy Father's Day" to you - it would've felt almost like a lie, just as it did the last few times i uttered it to you. It felt, and would've felt again, like it did back when I was a kid and was forced to apologize to some other, asshole kid even though I wasn't sorry in the least.
It's a lot like the whole 'you better behave, or you'll get coal in your stocking' thing (and the whole 'heaven and hell' thing, actually) - the idea is a worthy one, as most of us sloppy bitches need a push in the right direction even though we should be doing these things anyway (like behaving in general, honoring our folks and being nice to our fellow humans), without the fear of being banished to hell, missing out on X-mas presents, or feeling like an asshole for not calling Dad on Father's Day.
From out of the blue, there it was, complements of Walgreens, a free gift in a blue box on my porch, how nice!
"Fuck you!" I screamed at the gift of a new and improved Depend adult diaper"Fuuuuuuuck Yoooooooooou!" So, I took a 3 mile run, filled one of the samples with a firm one, double ziplocked with a "BIOHAZARD HUMAN WASTE" warning(the mailroom did not insult) and mailed it to corporate headquarters. I invite other 50 somethings to offer them the feedback they deserve.
NOTE TO I, ANONYMOUS SUBMITTERS! YOUR POINT ABOUT BICYCLISTS BEING COMPLETE THOUGHTLESS JERKS HAS BEEN MADE—TO AN INCREDIBLE DEGREE. THEREFORE IN ORDER TO KEEP THE I, ANONYMOUS BLOG FROM BECOMING MORE BORING THAN IT ALREADY IS, WE'RE ENACTING A TWO-MONTH MORATORIUM ON ALL BICYCLE RELATED POSTS, UNLESS YOU'RE BRINGING SOMETHING NEW TO THE GAME. THANK YOU! (Why am I yelling? I have no idea. Sorry.)—Editor
I am so tired of almost getting hit in crosswalks by cyclists who don't bother to slow down, much less stop as directed by law. If you are cycling on the street, that means regular traffic law apply to you, yes?
So why are all the of cars stopped, but it's somehow acceptable for you to weave your way through traffic and come straight at me at a high speed?
So stop blowing stop signs, and stop at crosswalks please. Because getting hit by a bike sucks, and hurts real goddamn bad.
You are an asshole, i know you can go fast.. awesome, on the flip side, its a bummer to follow the road rules.. i know, but that's the fuckin' law, so don't be a dick and do dumb shit that could get people into an accident.
Speaking as a bike commuter, its folks like you that make drivers want to run us all down, try spending more time brushing up on the road rules and less in a tattoo parlor and being a hipster dork... remember, a car weighs more than your ego, (hard to believe ain't it?) wise the fuck up and be conscientious, you never know, you might just save you own life, idiot.
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