To the mailman who delivers more than just mail; fuck you and good riddance.
Your swinger/cheating lifestyle didn’t work in my monogamous relationship. You are a fool to think I would create a facade for your disgusting/shameful actions. I am ecstatic to be rid of you knowing the unfortunate bane or your existence. You better start sleeping with one eye open and your doors locked because it’s only a matter of time before you’re so called friends and the husbands/boyfriends of the women you’ve been fucking start coming for you. You lie to their face and in their homes just like you did to me. Your growing dementia, sexually transmitted diseases, loud, annoying over-bearing sister and her son, oh, I mean barely out of diapers, know-it-all boyfriend is now yours to deal with. All in the house you bought for me and paid too much for. You’re such a pathetic excuse of a man you can’t even fix anything in it. While you spend the rest of your cowardly life looking over your shoulder and creating more lies, I will now be safely enjoying mine.
Every day, when I am asked if I can spare some change, I say something like "sorry, not today." But that's a lie. I'm not sorry. The truth is, I don't care. I don't care what situation you're in. I don't care if it's you're fault or not. I don't care how little it might take to get you whatever it is that you want. By the time I get to the end of the block, I will have forgotten that you exist. I'll bet that this lack of interest is mutual.
I"m in agreement with that other guy last week. I"m militant about LEASH LAWS. I DID learn a terrible lesson!
I"ll NEVER forget the sound as she got hit by that car, she didn't see comming/. But I did. I saw it comming. Nothing to do to stop it. A leash would have prevented that. Or the pain and shock in her eyes, as I picked her up , out of the street, and caried her home, to die in my arms choking.
No misbehaviour on her part. Just mine. It took 2 seconds of inattention, and I didn't have a hold on her.
I killed her. I don't have children. And this dog and I had been PAST through hell and back together. We BELONGED to each other, I killed my girl. Probably gave the guy who hit her a terrible day. he ran after me to my house, and watched me realize she was dead. That was pretty. It's all fine , untill it's not. Everything tragic in life seems to happen real fuckin fast. You never though starting your day, that this would happen. You aren't cool enough to make the world syop spiining, or life stop happening. Leash your dog. The 3 of you don't need it! I don't care how good your dog is off leash. Mine was 2. It takes or horrible second to lose them, it just happens SO fast. And I can't get over the guilt, and mussing her. Leash Up!
Whoever lived in my house before me fed this big ass raccoon probably regularly. I say this as there is a homemade "nest" in my backyard tree and other evidence that he was welcomed here.
I continued the tradition and have grown fond of "buddy".
You two moved in next door at the beginning of summer and worked on renovating your new house for months. I had no idea that you had chickens recently, honestly. I would have warned you of buddy.
The other night I was up late and I heard something sounding like a cat fight. It wasn't. It was worse. I went outside and heard a smaller sounding thing screaming and then I saw buddy.
Running along the fence top with bloody bird in mouth.
It was then I realized, fuck telling you about buddy, you weren't going to check in with me and see if I'm down with you guys having chickens. Should you read this, you might want to house that goat overnight.
Yeah, ok, fine...it's not called Cooper's Coffee anymore. You've changed the name. But guess what? It still says Cooper's Coffee in BIG FUCKING LETTERS on the outside of the building and on all your sun umbrellas. So fuck your little attitude, coffee person : "it's not called Cooper's anymore, *sigh*, *eye roll*, *stupid look*. There is nothing but world of mouth to indicate the name change, assholes.
Beautiful Fall day, I am headed out on a easy 50 mile bicycle ride. Headed up Gateway Blvd (Cottage Grove), four lane road. I am in my lane. You pass in your filthy tan Toyota P/U, yell out the window, pull in front of me and try to right hook me. You missed. You said something and I gave you the finger. Three minutes later you pass me again on Row River Road. You park on side of road (no parking) get out and try to grab me as I go by. You missed again. I keep riding, see you coming again so I turn left on Palmer Ave, see a warehouse door open, haul ass inside and yell "call the police" You pull in the lot and tell me that I cannot drive in the lane on Gateway because "i have no licence or pay taxes" What can I say to you but "go suck a bag of dicks" You tell me " I remember your face and next time you will be in my territory" I file police report and hope to see you in court
When you are first born you learn to cry to get attention, then you learn to crawl so you can eventually walk and be mobile and finally you learn to NEVER FUCKING MICROWAVE FISH AT WORK!!
What the hell is wrong with you??!?!?!
PS: You know who the fuck you are. Shame on you. We hate you.
Hey dudes looking for dates on Mercury Lovelab, you might consider updating your pictures and profiles once in a while, especially if you're one of those old timers who's been dating online since Y2K. Seriously, stop posting photos of yourself standing in front of the bathroom mirror; that's about as uncompelling and unsexy as you can get. And for fuck's sake, put a shirt on! In other words, keep that shit current and try to present your best self. If you're bad at taking self-portraits, and clearly many of you are, get a friend to help you out. Everyone knows you're dating online; there's no need to be embarrassed about it. Also, it's not charming or attractive to state in your bio that you're unable to send messages because you're not a paid member. That just makes you look like a cheap bastard and a coward. If you want to contact people for free, there's always OK Stupid. Plenty of room over there for shitty profiles with shitty pictures. Just trying to help...
Ok I get it Corporate America......no illegal drug users allowed. I understand your logic of testing for illegal drugs like..... LSD,Cocaine, Crack, Crystal Meth, even Mary Jane ( for those not prescribed). Like this position is at the Pentegon? I'm somewhat confused to why you must know all of my prescribed narcotics I'm taking. Really? Are your piss tests just that cheap? False negative? Do you like putting your corporate nose up my derriere? Last time I checked it did not smell like a bed of roses. Do you have to sweetie ( yeah I'm happy you have a decent job) ask me what exactly Prozac is? Really? I thought everyone knew. What do you mean do I take it daily? Silly you. Ok please just don't continue to ask about my prescribed medication while all the office staff walks by. Ok?
Otherwise known as Portland Corporate College, look I am one of your fucking success stories, got my associates and moved on to my bachelors. when getting my associates I got good grades paid, cash, on time and was a supporter of your corporation. Years later, as a single mom, doing OK, I got screwed by you, corporate style as a result of using a public library computer. I was falsely signed up for a class (which I don't need, did not sing up for and, obviously, NEVER attended) because YOUR system is NOT secure. The only reason I found out was from a records request. I jumped through your hoops for 6 months afterward and the "petition panel" decided I owed the $500 for the class. (the class was NOT full, so my name was NOT taking a seat.) I pleaded, I pointed to my past years-long relationship with your school I told you about my unemployed situation and begged for "community." What did you give in return? Corporation.
Portland is racist and classist as fuck. You care about that and want to change it, so you reject your parents financial help, dress "down" to look like you came from different means than you did, and value any person of color as a friend over anyone else. Because you're cool, lady. The problem is, all the shit you are doing is racist, classist, and laughable to people who struggle daily with oppression. Rejecting financial help that's offered to you just looks stupid to anyone without the access to that help. Trying to make friends with people of color because of their race IS RACIST, DUMBASS. The reason you might be finding it hard is that people of color are people JUST LIKE YOU, and they can smell your desperation to interact with them. People generally want to be valued for who they are, not placed on your self-congratulating "Friends of Color" trophy wall. Nobody is patting you on the back for all the sacrifices you've made in your life to try and equalize the horrible class disparity, they just think you are stupid because now you have rotten teeth and no health insurance (yet managed to cover yourself in expensive tattoos). Isn't it time for a paradigm shift? People like you, who needlessly hate who and where they came from, are a detriment to the liberation movement we actually need. What's more, it's a lazy, self-involved, ego-based response. If only you could put yourself and your cultivated radical image aside long enough to see it.
Hey Portland dog owners! What's up with all the dogshit? I mean seriously, on a walk through my neighborhood this morning I saw countless piles of turds in the grass of peoples' front yards, on the sidewalk, and in peoples' flower and/or vegetable gardens. And we're not talking about chihuahua-scale piles of shit, we're talking rottweiler-class dookie here, full half-to-full pounders. I know what you're saying: that it's like fertilizer, or that it's all natural, or that once it rains, it will all just magically wash away. Those gardeners who carefully tend their kale plants should be glad that your dog deigned to shit next to the stuff they eat. Well, I wish I could feel that you're intentions were that noble, but here's how I think it went down: You were drinking your latte, talking on your cell phone, and pushing your Mars Rover sized baby stroller down the sidewalk while your off-leash, un-neutered great dane dropped a fucking colon load, and you didn't even notice. You carry poop bags with you, but only if some dude happens to be out front and see it all go down and has the nerve to complain. THAT'S why that guy glares at me when I walk by with my on-leash, neutered dog who I clean up after. Thanks, asshole, for all the dogshit.
OK, so let's say you're an NFL fan, and you're a republican. If you're a Seahawks fan, you can still hold on to your, "The regular refs are just a bunch of union lefties, trying to squeeze the 'makers' for an undeserved cut of their dough." But what if you're a Packers fan? How do you reconcile the greed-based NFL owners' position of locking out the refs with the fact that your boys took one up the poop-chute last night because your "maker" buddies want to bust the ref's union? Real life sucks, doesn't it? Not that I think this will budge you out of your Ayn Rand fantasies, but this does represent a teachable moment...for the teachable.
Ok SW, get it the fuck together. I understand that the neighborhoods are pissed that the OHSU workers are now parking in their hood since the pedestrian bridge opened up - so in retaliation are you all now parking like assholes? As I was walking through the SW blocks near campus I saw dozens of drivers PISSED, driving in circles trying to find a single spot that wasn't compromised by an existing parked car that parked a foot and a half behind the next parked car; or the jerk-off that parked two feet from the intersection. Making a stretch of parking space for three cars now only for two. It's bullshit. Learn to park. Seriously.
Dear fellow Multnomah County Library Users, I'm poor. I'm trying to save a buck. I don't even have the internet for Gods Sake. I work at a fucking grocery store dealing with your pathetic, whiney OCD bullshit about how your gluten free cookie can't be in the same bag as the one with nuts. At the end of a long day, I just want to go home & listen to the latest hipster music Terry Gross has been gushing about. I go to the stinky downtown library, weave through the bums waiting in line to watch porn on the open computers, get the cd, touch some questionable doorknobs, go home, I pop it in to my CD player. Its fucking scratched. It skips. WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO SCRATCH IT? Rubbing it on your new recycled bamboo office flooring? When you changed the batteries in your 1998 walkman, did a spring bust & it popped out, rolling down Mt Tabor? I don't know about you, but mine only goes from the case to the player. Period. Don't be a dick.
Guess what I got in the mail! You've been measured, sliced and diced, thrown in the fire, grilled, and served. Now- (Turn postcard over) Have a burrito on us.
Yep. That's the way this company thought they should tell their prospective employees that they were denied for employment.
Where is the joke? So I didn't get their min+tips job. Fine, fair enough. But this postcard is so inappropriate. I put time and energy into the interview process and I don't need the consolatory prize of a free burrito. Does the company really expect me to walk into their establishment and show my denial of employment for a burrito? It's humiliating. They could have saved postmark and just sent me the obligatory email of "thanks, but no thanks" just like how I sent the email "Hey, I know it wasn't an awesome interview, here is my last ditch effort, thanks for the time". I don't appreciate being mocked.
Ok. You're off work. You've changed shoes, got your earbuds on and are in the zone. I get all that.
What troubles me is all the fuckers I see still wearing their employee badges, after work.
Oh hey look, it's Nate Needledick, lead cock gobbler for schlept.com or Heidi Hucklepuss, ankle grabbing supervisor. I really don't giveaway shit either way, it's just that you make stalking Way too easy....
Show promoters of Portland! I know you super love to suck White Fang's dick and all, but if you put down your beer goggles, you'll realize they suck. They're not fun to watch. If you're not another musician and they don't know you, you're just watching grown men pretend to be children and have the lyrical depth of a blink 182 song. Yet, MFNW? Check. PDX Pop Now!? Check. FUCKING BEACH FOSSILS? Check. I don't care if you book a fucking high school band, but please make me stop skipping shows because you're into White Fang's beer bellies.
Last Sunday at a unnamed Alberta restaurant, I was enjoying a nice time with a few friends. It appeared you were as we'll. You were with your lady friend, who was wearing a nicely filled out tank top, sans bra.
I was trying not to look at her chest for what seemed hours. Eventually I caved. Yes I looked over for approximately .075 seconds and saw what I needed, nipples and all.
You noticed me noticing,myour eyes got big and smoke seemed to come from your ears as you bellowed "what the fuck, you got a problem"? Then I heard "he's staring at your tits".
I ignored you.
You tried to get my attention, possibly escalate into something else. No dice.
It was for less than a second you freak. Calm the fuck down!
You are a sad sack of crap and your butter face of a lady can do much better.
Just saw someone eat shit on their janky-ass tall bike. That really looked like it hurt, man. Maybe you shouldn't have been playing with your phone? If you didn't break your shoulder and/or wrist in that fall I would be very surprised.
I almost posted your face with the word Herpes
but decided instead to write this I, Anonymous piece.
You thought you were smooth, I thought you were sweet,
preying on a pretty girl in her time of need.
I hope when you read this it makes you terribly sick
even more so than I did from the disease on your dick.
I hope one day you can grow up and be a man,
but I doubt you ever will with your ex always holding your hand.
Your cabbie job suits you taking everyone for a ride,
around the block a few times then dumped on the side
You're as useless as your sad excuse for a penis
so now this sickness is all that's left between us
I hope one day you will look down in shock
and watch your cursed rod fall off.
I know rants about TriMet come a dime a dozen (and you recently published some awesome t-met nightmare stories), but here's one more for good measure:
Dear Fellow TriMet rider -
When a train is crowded and an older man with a cane asks for the 'senior citizen/disabled' seat you are sitting in it is expected you give that seat up with a gracious attitude. You looked him up and down, arguing why you don't need to move. Then he asked if you were an 'honored citizen'. That was his nice way of saying, "You're obviously younger, in good health, and could deal with standing better than me." So you gave up your seat but carried on for at least ten minutes complaining to your friends and making fun of his 'honored citizen' status as he quietly sat by. To top it off you arrogantly asked a passing TriMet police officer what defined an 'honored citizen' and accused the man of raising his cane at you to get you to move. Ok, I was just a 'mind my own business observer' but now I had to speak up to the officer in defense of the man. Then you want to come at me with attitude and say you get 'no love' on the train because you're black? My dear, this had nothing to do with the color of your beautiful skin and everything to do with your horrible attitude, self-centered behavior, and general lack of courtesy to others in the community.
All this social ugliness could have been easily avoided had you simply been more considerate and showed some compassion to others on the train.
I am sorry that I did this to you. I know you told me that you did not want a baby; that you were just a student and were going to go back to your country in a couple of months. We had always used a condom, except that one night that I cajoled you into reaching another level of intimacy with me. I promised you that I would take the morning-after pill, and you believed me, but I was lying to you. You see, you had all the qualities I was looking for; I wanted your genes. You are tall, highly intelligent, extremely attractive, funny, and an all-around good person. We stopped fooling around and speaking to each other a couple of weeks ago, so I do not know how to tell you that I am pregnant. I know you will be going back to your country in a few weeks, and I probably will not end up telling you, as I know it might ruin your bright future. I have the resources to take care of our future baby myself, and will not be asking you for anything. Hopefully one day, I will let you know and let you meet our son or daughter if you want to; but for now, I will live with this scarlet letter. All I can say is that I am sorry.
Okay, I'll be the first to admit it might not have been the smartest move to bike across Broadway right then, although it was completely my right-of-way. But dude, you almost hit me when you pulled out. You almost ran me over with your TRUCK. I was actually very frightened, for my LIFE. So when you ignored your dowdy wife's pleas for restraint and instead flipped me both of your grubby middle fingers and shouted muffled, histrionic abuse at me, you officially became the ugliest person I've ever seen, and I happen to live next door to a home for retarded, morbidly obese quadriplegics. I get it—you drive a big, heavy car! How completely ordinary of you—you win! Congratulations, you pasty dough-faced golem.
What ever happened to that Occupy thing? Last I heard there were internal debates, a lack of leadership and about 1000 things that needed to be protested against. You know, I went to their site last year, and I even "friended" them on Facebook. Know what I saw? A bunch of arrogant people shoving their philosophies down other's throats. Seriously, if you ever questioned their tactics or disagreed with them... oh boy, watch out. It was strikingly similar to the Rush page, or one of them other Right-Wing Fascist sites. They all are locked into their own ideas, and they'll be damned if you'll tell them otherwise. I only write this because I heard some blip on the radio tonight regarding that Occupy thing, and I was like, "oh yeah". They prided themselves on not becoming a part of the "system" and now look at them... no one really gives a shit about what they have to say anymore. Well, either way, there are bigger fish to fry... like that train-wreck of a Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney. Only a fool would vote for that guy... but, you know what Occupy? At least the fool can vote for him. Just saying...
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