Commitment Shaming, AKA "I just wanted some play."

Comments

1
General Review of the Sex Situation

Woman wants monogamy;
Man delights in novelty.
Love is woman's moon and sun;
Man has other forms of fun.
Woman lives but in her lord;
Count to ten, and man is bored.
With this the gist and sum of it,
What earthly good can come of it?

—Dorothy Parker (1937)
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It took me 7 years to find a decent guy in this town. Good luck Anon.
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Male response: Ladies, when a guy DOES verbally let you know he just wants to play and is not interested in anything serious, please don't agree, say things like "oh totally, me too! I'm so busy as it is! Everyone I know in a relationship is miserable, I so don't need that right now in my life." and play along for a month or two and then start trying to act like it was never said. I know you think you can change every guy you meet with the power of your pussy but you can't, because other women have pussies too. And Portland women have flooded the market with easily accessible pussy. If a guy clearly indicates he's not looking for anything serious, and you think to yourself "I'll change his mind", and you end up failing at that task: don't take it out on the guy and/or start to resent all guys and/or become a full-time man hater.
4
Amen sister. I've lived here since 2003, and dating in PDX is a joke. At this point I essentially consider it a dead zone and focus on other things. I'm plenty progressive, but that doesn't mean I want a man who is irreverent about anything and everything. There is nothing attractive or useful about that.
If a majority of women in Portland chose to stop accepting this behavior, I think we would all be better off for it. It is dehumanizing and fosters an atmosphere of apathy and meaninglessness. I would rather have no relationship than one like that. In my circle of friends, we refer to this as "Peter Pan Syndrome," and it's going to have some ugly results.
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Direct communication, folks. At all times. If you're not sure about something, ask. That's what adults do.
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for the dude who expressed his frustration with women who say they're down but then want more...
I think that no matter what someone agrees too when the initial sex happens, you need to count on some feelings developing if you let the "casual sex" continue for more than a couple encounters. fair or not, this is how it works with humans (well, females, not to be gender biased). Also, yes to direct communication, which means you can't just say "I'm not looking for anything serious when you really mean, I only want to spend time with you if that time is spent fucking. and then I leave. and we don't hang out. Non-serious relationships mean different things to different people. Some females might agree but think it means, we'll hang out and date a little but not worry about marriage or monogamy.
7
@porteca, have you ever heard of Lysistrata? You might want to check her out as a role model for the women of Portland choosing to "stop accepting this behavior." I'd love to see that play out...maybe start a Facebook page: "No sex in Stumptown unless it's long-term."
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Emily: If a girl says she can have sex without getting attached, I'm to simply call her a liar? Quit with the doublespeak. We're grown ass adults. Don't say it's fine then paint me as the bad guy because you realized weeks (if not months) later that it's not fine. Personal responsibility ladies, find yours.
9
I,A- What's the common -fucking -denominator here?
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"@porteca, have you ever heard of Lysistrata? You might want to check her out as a role model for the women of Portland choosing to "stop accepting this behavior." I'd love to see that play out...maybe start a Facebook page: "No sex in Stumptown unless it's long-term.""

Give it up. Women need dick just as badly. If dick meant nothing then women wouldn't become instantly mega-attached to any guy who stuck his in her.

This woman describes it ever so eloquently: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IwV5K8j2ww
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to the dude, I'm saying a girl probably IS being honest if she says she can remain unattached, but if you keep sniffing around for months the honest truth is that attachment might happen, so if you're not interested in an emotional investment then hit it and move on. I wrote this I, anonymous article and the point was that whoever is looking for the least should be the most upfront, and in all other cases it should be assumed that if someone is fucking you they are interested in getting to know you and seeing where it goes. And if your one night stand turns into a months long thing then a lady might find herself wanting more after all, in which case we should be able to talk about it and express our changing needs without the whole "clingy needy" bullshit that gets put on us.
12
Yeah, this town is full of sad-sack baby-men, hahaha. It must be rough on girls that are attracted to obvious sad-sacks but don't want them to act like the people that they obviously are.
13
Nice MAN-HATING thread we've got going on here!

Ok now, believe it or not, for some guys sex isn't necessarily the no.1 ulterior motive! It's great when ever offered and it wouldn't be turned down most times. HOWEVER, for some guys just hanging out with a lady would do just fine. And if the lady were to offer sex, sober or otherwise, you can usually count on the guy to oblige.

But what seems to happen next, too damned often, is that the lady seems to think something major is going on while the guy is thinking they're just hanging out. Truth is, the lady is actively perusing a guy that probably isn't interested in her on any deeply romantic level anyways. And what happens next is, guy is some how hook-winked into a "relationship" he hadn't really asked for nor worked hard to get. And when guy starts blowing the lady off b/c maybe he'd like to have ONE weekend either to himself or spending time with other friends, HE somehow looks like the asshole. When infact, SHE's the one who goes over to his place every weekend and initiates sex.

If a woman is wanting ONE solid person to be with an noone else, that' totally fine. Many guys want the same. But just keep in mind that many women want no such thing and are all about casual and have done a fine job muddying up the waters.
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I like Todds approach, lets hit this bitch with a poem...

Some men don’t want to date,
Some men just want to fornicate.
Women should know by now,
That sex doesn’t equal a fucking wedding vow.
Man says to women “I don’t want to get too serious,”
“Too” translates to “maybe”, which makes the women delirious.
Women reads way too into it, and gives man what he wants,
Then women gets mad, because there’s no fucking text message response.

Some women will have sex just to find her mate,
Some women will also lie, just to recreate a second date.
Men should know already,
That sex with a women leaves us emotional and unsteady.
Women says to men “me too, I have a life to live”
“life to live” translates to “I don’t need to respond tomorrow, so there’s nothing to forgive”
Man reads way too much into it, and continues on okcupid,
Then women wonders what she did, and is left with feeling stupid.

(Iceprez this one is for you babe)
The common -fucking –denominator is…
If your fucking on the first date,
Chances are, that dude isn’t your fucking soul mate.
15
Emily, "I'm saying a girl probably IS being honest if she says she can remain unattached, but if you keep sniffing around for months the honest truth is that attachment might happen"

So then her initial statement of "I can remain unattached" isn't true after all. I think women don't realize how much they talk in riddles and with their clandestine "you should've known what I meant" vocabulary. And at 25 or 30 or whatever age you are you should know by now that we guys say what we mean and mean what we say. There is no delicate layer of poetry and doublespeak. If we hear "I can remain unattached", that is what is stored in our brains. Because we men have a habit of taking people at their word.

I see where you're coming from but you can't talk politics to a cat. A cat is a cat. All it knows is ear rubs and fancy feast. If you want to communicate with a guy, talk to him upfront at the very start. Otherwise you're going to (probably) end up in a cycle of trying to lure guys with the promise of unattached sex then resenting them when the plan to reel them into a relationship fails.

Plus this is Portland in 2013, not Kansas in 1975. People just want to fuck for a while before settling down. We're all going to lose our looks soon enough, might as well enjoy the party while you can.
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@Emily Waterpony,

this is I Anonymous, not I, Emily. You're not suppose to claim your own rant, sweets. that's why there is a middle finger with the word "Anonymous" after it.
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@13 dude, you have no place here. From what I've read of your posts, you are a pud, who's destined to be single....for life.

@arenit. Good points.


@16 right on.


@Emily, what you trying to do is validate a front. That's all. Some people bite others not. I've been on both sides of this. Best to quit it if the hittin it part gets complicated....
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"arguably the most intimate, sacred act two people can share". no, this describes a game of connect 4
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@DamosA I don't think this is a "MAN-HATING" thread as much as an attempt to understand the opposite gender's motives on a dating/sexual persepective. If anything, this seems to be a dick-loving post that is attempting to clarify rationality in a modern casual sex relationship potentiallly interested in graduating to a committed (or next level) situation.

also, @Munch whether it is "I, Jessica" or "I, PDX Butthole".. allow the woman to address further issues related to her post, you thread Nazi. Swallow your English degree (or spit it out in front of a bathroom mirror, as your character reveals) and incite the woman with your bed-cred. If you have any.
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"@13 dude, you have no place here. From what I've read of your posts, you are a pud, who's destined to be single....for life."

-----------------------------------------------

Ok since you've taken it upon yourself to make things personal, let me set you straight here. First off, my name is DAMOS, not dude, so I'd appreciate it if you'd address me in a proper manner next time. Secondly, I have just as much a right to be here as any/every one else, so for you to make the asinine comment that I "have no place here" is suspect at best and racist at worst. Thirdly, I find it mildly humorous that you dare to speculate on my life and what I've got going on. Since I have a big enough dick, there's no need for me to brag or tout. So 'ill just let you continue to speculate upon what YOU THINK I do in MY life. At least it gives you something to do, eh?
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PS.
@arenit, can you please enlighten the rest of us Portland born-lifers what else "Portland in 2013" is like. Because I'm curious about Kanas in 1975.. I mean, I thought at least my folks moved here about that time, and they were feelin' themselves out before settlin' here. Maybe you meant that this ain't Utah, buddy.

Honestly though, perhaps it is true woman may speak in riddles when they've been programmed to hide their true feelings.. but I think what Emily is talkin' about sounds more like an issue of how peope define their varietal attachment of sexual relation, and being an honest communicator of that. I am quite sure many people, men and woman alike, have trouble expressing themselves honestly through verbal communication.. and what I see here is an issue of verbalized expression in relationship desires and it's values attached.
Even further, I commonly hear woman around town complain of the issues with "Portland men" and their inabilities to be clear/honest with a woman about what they want, or how these guys can't even seem to hit on a woman effectively. I'm not sure whether this topic is about how men lack the confidence to develop a (non-commited, in Emily's case) relationship, their obsession with blindly gettin' their willies wet, or whether we are leading into an issue of communication errors between partners.
Either way, I blame timing and self-love. Learn to focus on loving yourself and by the time you're busy not worrying about these weiners, you will likely have someone biting at your heels over your physical love. If you're unsure whether or not to persue that, just hold your breath and listen to what your instincts tell you to do.
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Native, born-in-Portland Portlanders are the most boring people in this city. Truth. They're basically no different from Oregon City folks.. they have zero sense of style, they're kinda redneck-ish and the only good thing about them is they're very rare. This city becoming it's own brand of melting pot is the best thing that ever happened to it.
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Arenit- I'm a local. You pretty much got it right.
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OK! I want to fuck you but not date you. There!

My place or yours?

Also, are you fat?
25
Clifton, damos whatever. First sign of being a pud(or a kid, same thing)?? Giving yourself a nickname and asking people to call you that.

What. A. Douche.......
26
I would imagine that in the first 1-2 dates both parties should make their intentions clear.
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"Clifton, damos whatever. First sign of being a pud(or a kid, same thing)?? Giving yourself a nickname and asking people to call you that."

----------------------------------------

Ok, I don't have a "nickname". I simply requested that I be addressed by my actually name if someone's going to attempt to besmirch my character. Especially this being Black History month, I feel that I'm owed THAT much respect at least.
28
i really do think it's a communication issue, I'm connecting with what "youdon'tknowme" wrote. sex positivity is great and has liberated us from the previous oppressive model of HAVING to date if we want to get laid. There have been plenty of times where I wanted to be single for a while but also wanted some physical contact. But communication is difficult, especially for women. It's really uncomfortable and actually socially unacceptable to state your relationship expectations right away. But do we really have to follow the age old female-oriented advice of making them wait for it in order to have the option of exploring a relationship? sigh.
and @Doogie, not sure if you're body shaming comment was tongue in cheek, but thanks for bringing it up. I have a beautiful body personally, and yes. it is fat. Does that preclude me from respect? Sex? hmmmmm....
29
the more I read these thoughtful comments the more I think this is a mid-movement issue. The sex positive movement came to consciousness and women were like "yay! I can have sex without having to feel ashamed!" and dudes were like "Yay! Portland women have flooded the market with easily accessible pussy!" as a previous commenter so tactfully noted. But the original ideology included the message that we should come at this with self love, respect, and communication. I'm not seeing this part happening. I see older more mature people sharing open sexual relationships with a different attitude, one where every sexual partner is treated with love and special attention. I think this is what sex positivity was meant to be, and hopefully in time we will navigate back to this.
30
"I simply requested that I be addressed by my actually name"

Clifton. Clifton it is.
31
"it's not our responsibility to clarify to you that we want to continue to see you if we like you enough to fuck you."

Um, yes, it IS. Same way it is HIS/THEIRS to clarify that they just want to fuck and not "date"/commit to anything beyond that.

Like the woman (or man) who bitches that the man (or woman/partner of whatever sex) isn't getting her off but fails to TELL and/or SHOW him how to do it, the woman who fails to communicate her expectations from the relationship clearly and then is pissed when the man doesn't magically understand them is blaming HIM for something SHE failed to take responsibility for.

If you clearly communicate your expectations/needs and he disregards them, THEN you have a right to be pissed.

Just one woman's opinion.
32
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