One night last summer at about 1:00am, a group of you woke me up with a loud argument about where you'd parked your car. You were a few houses down by the time I began following you, and I remained hidden for at least 20 minutes as you bickered and stumbled around the block looking for your fully Yakima'd Subaru Outback. By the time you found it, I was convinced that all four of your party were incapable of driving it and I took matters into my own hands: I called 911 and reported your ass for drunk driving. As soon as I hung up I fired up my police scanner app and got to hear, a few minutes later, a car fitting your description getting pulled over. One suspect, taken into custody for DUII.
I felt so good about this, I've re-arranged my work schedule for this summer. That means I'll now get to stay up late every Last Thursday hunting you assholes down and feeding your plate numbers to the po-po. Happy trails, shitbirds!
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!