This is for every walker, runner, wandering wino or whoever else I stumble a pond who's right in the middle of the bike lane or road.
Get out, GET OUT NOW! I'll had IT! It's not your place to be there. I'm trying to maneuver myself through and you're there like a salmon going against traffic or with your back towards traffic. Why can't you use the place where you're supposed to be? Is something wrong with the sidewalk? I don't ride on the sidewalk because it's the designated place for pedestrians to mingle, it's dangerous ( If this have to explain to you, I'll take that you're not an experienced cyclist ) I'm used to riding in the road because that's where I belong.
It's even worse when I come around someone while riding on side streets with vehicles parked on each side, there is just no room for you to take the whole road. YOU ARE A TRAFFIC HAZARD! Don't expect me to be nice to you when asking you to move to the sidewalk. I have to deal with not only the vehicle behind me tailgating my tail but you who is to special for the sidewalk. What's up with taking up the bike lane for your pedestrian needs when the sidewalk is right there?
Huh?, pardon me? That's right your head caved in momentarily as the next SUV runs over you.
I'm not sharing anything with you!
I have a list of psychiatrists in my area from my health insurance company. A big list. I'm not exactly in the boondocks here. So far I've called 20 of you. FUCKING 20 OF YOU. For the most part I get voicemail that says "not taking new patients." (In fact that's been about 15.) For the ones without that message, I leave one on your voicemail because heaven fucking forbid you pick up your fucking phone.
And guess what? Since I started this little adventure a month ago not a single one of you fucking assholes has deigned to call me back.
You'd think for a second that maybe you'd go "huh, this person is seeking a mental health professional. MAYBE I SHOULD HELP." But no, you're so stuck in your own self important little bubble that you can't even be bothered to talk to me for a minute.
Maybe this is fucking why people are losing it. "Access to mental health resources." And it has nothing to do with my insurance company or myself, it has everything to do with the fucking providers.
So to the list of 20 people I've called. A BIG FUCK YOU. Maybe the other 20 will actually have some compassion and be willing to help.
Could we, for the love of all that is fucking holy, get a coffee shop east of 54th in NE Portland? Sure, it's a little farther from all the cool places, but guess fucking what? The people that live out here are mother fucking cool too. We aren't a bunch of toothless, itching, prostitute meth-heads. We are young. We bought houses where we could afford them. We have dogs. We ride bikes. We like coffee too. Yes, it is true. We don't want any fucking tanning with our coffee, or lotto, or a drive through that serves Snickers double cool whip mocha dick licking lates. Nope, sure don't. We want a bonafide real-ass Portland coffee shop, with goddamned gluten-fucking-free pastries, some vegan shit, a chair or 2, some windows, and the internets.
It's a fairly simple request. Please, dear little baby jesus, if there is anyone out there that has half a mind to start a business, this will be supported! There is a perfect old gas station at the corner of 72nd and Prescott for sale that would be perfect for such a thing. Come on people! We are dying out here...of caffeine and community deprivation.
Not only should you be pathetically ashamed of the miserably inadequate douchebag mother that you are, for not seeing or even speaking to your kids in over six months. But, you should also be shamed, and spit in the face by every single parent who’s waiting for subsidized housing.
I recently wrote a rant about you in the past few months about how you have a duii from two years ago which you refuse to take care of, while mooching off my best friend (including living at his house). I wanted people to read that mothers who have warrants for their arrest like you do, and who claim their kids for benefits to sell them for a cash value, really do exist. I let participating in being angry back then go, because frankly you’re just not worth the time… Until today!
Are you fucking kidding me, that you have a fully furnished section 8 house that you choose not to go home to every night? You haven’t seen or spoken to your kids since before Christmas, and yet you live in government housing? Housing that you applied for, so you could raise your kids to some kind of decency. Housing, which is now no longer available to the family behind you in line at the welfare office, because you got it first. You’re a piece of shit, self-absorbed, do it wrong junkie, and I’m calling your case worker!
Last night, the XX performed one of the best concerts of my life. It was sublime except for you, the liquored up frat boy in the balcony who kept screaming at Romy, one of the lead singers and guitarists of the band, to "take your clothes off!!". Was it too much for a woman to be on stage and owning the whole crowd through her sheer musical talent and not because her body?
Could you not sit down and shut up while others were the center of attention instead of you? Romy is an insanely elegant and beautiful woman but she did not deserve the demeaning catcalls that you hurled at her. If you want to tell female performers to take off their clothes please take it to a strip club. That is the only venue where that comment might be welcome.
It's happened tons of times: you're on a two lane street, you're trying to turn left thus crossing opposing traffic, and you have to wait for your opening or for a conciencious driver to let you wait. Then the people behind you start driving around you as fast as they can. People, this is not only illegal but really unsafe. I was almost t-boned trying to turn onto MLK this weekend because i was turning left, dude in opposing traffic was turning left and dudes behind him just hammered through when they were tired of waiting. Instant almost-accident. This isn't "right-on-red"; this is "not allowed but we do it anyway." STOP IT.
So I stop off to get some gas at a station in Gresham,Oregon
Called 76. It's on the corner of Cleveland and burnside.
A man was laying on the ground. Did I forget he was bleeding?
He was. Not a little either. A lot. You,the workers there didn't give a rats ass. Wow. I will never buy gas,your over priced pops or your not even close to reality snacks. I don't give a shit if he was a homeless man. He's still a man. Treats others as you want to be treated. Does that mean you want to be laughed at and pushed with your foot? I realize you or the rest of the good time buddies aren't going to give a shit about my complaint. I'm glad u stopped. I'm glad I helped.
Pa karma is a bitch!!
I perform Karaoke in costume and in character. If you have not seen me at your bars karaoke night-you will. I am not the drunken douchbag hogging the mic with an eight minute rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody (hey, KJ's-could you take every song over 5 minutes OFF your song list). I am a performer who customizes my songs. I was in your old town bar last night, and was cut off and reprimanded for saying "FUCK". (What The Fuck!?!?)...Are you fucking kidding me!? Put on your big girl panties and deal with it. It's art. It's performance. It's a grown up word in a grown up bar. Do I look like Will Fucking Smith?! How is it ok that I can spend my money in your bar, get drunk, take home a stranger for anal coitus, but I cant say "FUCK"? (This from the same town that won't accept a black face performer-Fuck you, you passive, spineless, mealy mouthed Portlanders. I will Fucking say Fuck when I Fucking want to, so Fuck You You Fucking Fuck!
Was out and about last weekend and saw a duo in a lounge, singing. They performed in front of a large screen that was showing some 1905 films. I'm new to town and have heard stories about Portland's racist history and current race issues. The films were grotesque and I heard some groans from the audience. The singers were unaware of what was up behind them. Maybe the bartender, who knows and sees all, could have alerted somebody to alter the presentation. Any idiot could see, even from the title of the shorts, that trouble was brewing. Disgusting.
Every damn time I get on the Max at Pioneer Square during the rush hour commute (4:30-6:30 pm) you manage to be jamming your bike on at the Galleria stop. You know that bikes are limited during the heavy commuter times, but there you go, whining about fitting your ass on the already overcrowded standing-room-only Max anyhow. You and your ilk are just rude and over-entitled. You're almost as bad as the pet lovers who lie about their dogs being service animals. Once or twice I've heard you telling other folks that you "just can't manage the hill" (I'm assuming up through Goose Hollow, etc.). I mean, you're no spring chicken, so I can see that. So I've a suggestion for your dumb ass. STOP RIDING THE FUCKEN BIKE.
"Oh man, here comes a dude who is darker than me. He wants trouble, I can tell. 'might be one of those "apple pickers".
Glad I got my gun strapped etc."
Dude, you are so clearly a douche. Nice flashing your concealed gun. Kind of awesome as you, i mean you, are like almost five feet tall. Getting into a huge ass truck with a much taller wife who definitely owns you. Btw. She's really fat now.
Also, on a separate note, where else can a guy get regular pair of Dickie's pants w/o the cell phone pocket??!
It's March Against Monsanto day. Millions of people around the globe are currently protesting against the king of genetically modified foods and pesticides, but unless you actually dig for the info you'd never know. There is not one mention of the March Against Monsanto on the Google News aggregate. In fact, the word 'Monsanto' doesn't even appear once. Obama telling the military that rape is bad is the top story, followed by one about some chick with a freshly-shaved head who threw he bong out the window. You know, "newsworthy" stuff.
I get that people go right on a red, but it doesn’t mean I have to. And, I get that there was no one in the cross walk. But that doesn’t mean that there wasn’t a really good looking half naked jogger lady, coming right towards us who wanted to utilize the last 15 seconds of it.
You need to stop and smell the roses, boner buddy.
Had we been in synchronized hot lady jogger stare, then me not going wouldn’t have affected you. It’s 55 degrees outside, and she was wearing a white sports bra, with obviously nothing under it except D’s and sweat. We’ve all seen Baywatch, and we all know why they slow motioned the theme song. We’ll go in just a fucking second, let the Coug cross!
Recently, a Portland server ranted here about customers who linger beyond closing time. Reminder: jobs are hard to find; if you don’t like yours, let someone else take a turn. Follow your muse to back to college, become really good at video poker, ask your parents for a loan, start a business, write a hit song. Whatever. Just stop your fucking whining. Bar/store/restaurant owners should also shoulder some blame. If more owners paid fair wages, offered better comp for extra hours, treated their employees with respect and mandated good customer relations then maybe, just maybe Portland wouldn't have such a bad service rep. Service is a serious profession and most locals know it. To the mopey, spoiled, self-obsessed minority of malcontents: please quit your jobs or find a way to spare us all from your shitty, shitty attitudes.
Talk about clicking with someone - this hasn't happened in a long time for me. We start talking, texting every day. Seeing each other as often as our schedules allowed us and just as things got really amazing and a sleep over was inevitable you disappeared on me.
Not a text back. Not a call back. I don't know what the fuck happened but it gutted me.
First thought - I hope you're not lying in a ditch.
Second and more realistic - I accept if you lost interest; that's part of dating, but what a fucking douche bag to just cut off communication. Our fun and budding romance was short lived. I'm really bummed you did a 180 on me. You're 30 - just tell me you're over it.
So, the Arts Tax is a go again. Ok Portland, let me get this straight. You extort money from everyone in the county to pay hipsters with an unemployable skill-set, to teach more hipsters this unemployable skill-set. Really? REALLY?
Let me run some cray shit past you. How about a fucking SCIENCE TAX? You know, that area of education that produces computer geeks and engineers who...well...I dunno...keep IT systems that collect your precious Arts Tax payments up and running?
It's all about balance. We need students who are science-literate. We don't need more over-educated service industry workers with arts degrees. The only bitters I need in my cocktail are Angosturan, not the disenfranchised agony of some bartender/arteest [sic] who's suckling off the dole because Art Basel turned his "portfolio" down again.
Dear Portlanders Against Fluoride,
Fuck you and your junk-science bandwagon!
Once again, Portland is the weirdest place in America, and this time it's sans naked people.
Fluoride in our water making beer or coffee taste bad? Eroding teeth enamel? Poisoning our kids? Seen a dentist lately? Read a science report lately? Your arguments are laden with holes similarly gaping as those in our kids' teeth.
Maybe you self-serving neo-liberals need to watch Dr. Strangelove again because you've turned our liberal, quirky city into a hype-filled scare-tropolis that refuses to to do what is good and healthy for all of our children.
Here in Oregon, and Portland, we do a good job of maintaining our values, but just like a sales tax, support for schools from the legislature instead of bonds and levies, quiet roads, higher taxes for businesses, and those inane studded tires that destroy the roads, sometimes we need to compromise our values for what is right and will work.
We'll see you in another 30-odd years for a re-vote. Until then, don't forget to brush (with fluoride).
You wouldn't know it from Portlandia or the crazy Travel Portland YouTube videos, but PDX has lots of poverty and lots of people in poverty. They're all on 82nd and beyond the 205, areas tony Portlanders don't visit. The Pearlites and other organic-munching kinda-liberals have officially told the poor schmucks on 82nd to suck their bleached balls. Want fluoridation to prevent your Poor People Problems? Fuck no. Want pretty ponies to wander our clean Pearl streets to entertain us? Fuck yes; sign us up for $200K. It's fun to think we're progressive so long as we don't much have to think of poor, needy people so much as people who like to eat organic and wear Danskos. PDX, you disappointed today.
To the asshole in the white Subaru Impreza,
I knew you were trouble when I saw you on Naito Parkway tonight. Right by the Morrison off ramp you pulled into the far right lane to harass the homeless asleep under the bridge by slowing down and honking at them. You preceded to do it again at the Hawthorne bridge underpass. You are a fucking asshole. May your dick shrivel up and fall off!
Let the "We failed teh childrenz" or "suck it drug pushers" rants begin!
"Tall grass and weeds downgrade the appearance of our neighborhood. Please keep those places trimmed around your trees and shrubs. Also, please remove the unsightly pile of boards which have been in your driveway for months. Thank you. Let's take pride in our neighborhood."
I don't know who wrote this note (in cursive, if that matters), and slipped it under my front door at 10:30 PM last Sunday. I also don't know why that person didn't sign the note, nor why they scuttled away so quickly when I got off the couch and drew back the front curtain.
Neighbors talk. Neighborhoods, not so much. As a neighbor, I could offer you grammar and composition lessons in exchange for the use of your weed-eater, but I don't know which property to entirely scrutinize...
We 30 plus people all share only one toilet and one urinal stall. That's us and thats it. You are always in there. "pooping"? Doubtful. We hear your phone noises and heavy breathing. You like it in there. Possible club house?
When you walk into the restroom( another gross misreprensation) and decide to sit, naked ass, and poop. For wayyyyy too long, do you get a little excited beforehand? I mean, here you go! Its your time to sit naked on a circle with your rectum hovering over a pool of water. Yay! Time is now irrelevant and other people are out!
Heres the thing, anyone comes into this bathroom,the very first thing we ALL notice is your shoes, poopy.
You really, really like sitting on the toilet huh?. All naked. Just to play with your IPhone? A time out? Whatever, your pants around your ankles and your constant sniffing says otherwise Crapster McGee.
Why can't everyone just be honest with each other? I wouldn't feel like this if he had just been honest with me from the beginning. If his intention was to not hurt me then it didn't work. I'm much more hurt now finding out on my own, than if he would have just told me. Now I face a dilemna. Do I let him get away with it? Do I disappear into the background like he's hoping? Or do I tell him what's up? Would it help? Would he quit doing this to people?
To the three people who yelled "Hey, Catch!" and threw an unopened penis pump our way...my buddy and I thought it was hilarious. We were next to Sheridans so you may have come from Taboo (?) Either way it was truly a nice gesture, dear fellows. The following night, when my girlfriend came over I told her the story. She asked if I kept it and where it was. It was under the bed and we tried it out. She used it on me. I don't quite know what the fuck those things are supposed to be used for but we had the best sex we'd had in a long time. So thanks guys and gal! Keep throwing random shit at people!
I’m sorry if we rock out too hard in my apartment two floors down. My boyfriend works full time and is student teaching 5 days a week, yesterday was his first day off in three weeks. I promise you that should you come down, knock on the door and ask us to stop whatever it is that is making you so upset, we will do that while being very apologetic. Sliding note cards under my door so that I can wake up to “Seriously guys? I can hear you 2 floors up. Please be considerate.” And “You are getting beyond ridiculous. I have to finish writing my thesis by tomorrow. Thanks for nothing.” Is immature, passive- aggressive bullshit. Lets have a conversation. I don’t care if you lay the holy verbal smack down on me as long as it’s neighbor to neighbor.
I would especially like to have the conversation about yesterday, my boyfriend was home and I’m sure loud as shit from 8am-8pm and then we were out until 11pm. We may have been drunk and loud for the twenty minutes before we went to bed. I don’t feel bad for you having to listen to the thudding of music from two floors down during the daytime. You live in college housing. I’m assuming you just moved in here. You’re in for a surprise when you find out that a lot of your neighbors enjoy bumpin techno music until 2am.
I left you a note explaining this. I tapped it above the mailboxes so hopefully in the future you’ll handle the situation differently.
Don’t be a bitch.
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