This Week in the Mercury

The Burden of Proof


The Burden of Proof

Oregon Spends Millions on Innovative Court Programs. Are We Sure They Work?

Hall Monitor


Hall Monitor

(Dead-)End Game on Street Fee?

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Gauntlet of the Dispossessed

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Jun 30, 2013 at 9:00 PM

Okay, I get it, there's a recession and times are hard and, as always, wealth is uneven. However, it's Sunday night and I want some beets without having to run your gauntlet of needs. Seven derelict humans stand between me and an air conditioned bonanza of groceries. My ass cheeks are chafing from the heat and you whisper dejectedly about your tragedies, while scratching your many sores. Yes, I would like corporations to patent my genetic code. No I do not want to buy you a new pair of boots. Sorry I don't carry cash so I can pretend to read your paper. Ahhhhh...golden or regular?

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Get Outwardley Bent

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Jun 29, 2013 at 9:33 AM

So your writers are held to such high standards, huh? Look, I understand the whole rivalry thing. It's whatever. What I don't understand is your attitude. Go ahead and keep giving people shit for trivial things such as where they were born. That world view is every shade of the color fucked, and when I'm kickin' around, trying to have myself a funky good time, the last thing I want to talk about is the merits of rigorous editing. ppppsssshhhhhhhh

Friday, June 28, 2013

It's Hot Out Now

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jun 28, 2013 at 5:15 PM

Don't forget to drink plent of fluids and the like. Don't eat to see your diarreah crusting the rim of our shared toilet.

Maybe lay off the broccoli and cheese? Maybe that last pabst?
Let's make for a better stool, let's do this!

[Seriously guys. Enough poop talk. It's boring.—editor]

It's a Little Late in the Day for This

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jun 28, 2013 at 10:59 AM

So I'm walking to my park & ride bus and the end of the work day and on the way, I pass by you. I'm white, you're black, and you're dressed up in one of those hip hop outfits — long shorts that have no form and somehow remind me of a skirt, plus a matching athletic top AND matching hat to go with it. You sneer at me, look away and raise your hand and do some kind of gang signing (though there's no one around to see it). You start hawking like you're going to spit. I look at you in the eye because I think you're going to spit at me, and you stop.

Now, I don't have a problem with you disliking me, especially if it's a black/white thing. I think it's perfectly logical for black people to hate white people (I would if I were black). And being in a gang (if you are in a gang)? Different people have different ways of surviving — mine's probably been easier than yours, so even that doesn’t bother me.

What I don't understand is that you are obviously well into your 40s if not 50s, and you're still wearing that stupid outfit. For goodness sakes, your mustache is GRAY. Can't you wear pants? Can't you dress like an adult?


Thursday, June 27, 2013

Last Thursday

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 27, 2013 at 9:38 PM

I hope you had fun at the festival. I noticed you illegally parked in front of my driveway. I hope the dog poop spread across your windshield and air intake vents is easy to clean. Wouldn't want to inconvenience such a considerate person such as you.

I'm Not a Hypocrite.

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 27, 2013 at 9:31 PM

Kudos, Apple. You're new commercials fill me with pride to use your products, which are Designed in California. As for the slave wages you pay the producers of those products, well, you've peppered your commercials with people of Asian persuasion. So we're good, right? I can still be a Portland Liberal / Progressive and fight the power with my IPhone?

But..... Why?

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 27, 2013 at 12:56 PM

Most people are prejudiced in one way or another. I get that, but what I don't get is why so many people feel that their well being is somehow put in jeopardy by others gaining the same rights they have. For instance, I don't really care if you think that gay sex is gross, or if you're just kind of scared of homosexuality because you were socialized to fear it/subconsciously believe that it's contagious. That just makes you kind of dumb and/or gullible in my eyes. It's only when you feel the need to stand and fight against gay marriage that I start to think you're a totally sociopathic asshole.

Why in the world do you care who other people marry? Is there like some shortage on marriage and you're afraid that the gays are gonna take it all for themselves? Are you so bored that you have nothing better to do than try to hold other people back?

No, I'm pretty sure that you just can't appreciate your own rights if they apply to everyone equally. Why would you give a fuck about equality when you're the one benefiting from an unequal world?

A Warning From the Poop Deck

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 27, 2013 at 9:36 AM

OK, new neighbor, here's the deal: you and your drunk buddies celebrated your arrival to the neighborhood with some highly illegal fireworks. Freaked the fuck out of my dog. While walking him the next day, I introduced myself and asked about the celebratory pyrotechnics. I was hoping that the presence of my friendly brown-eyed hound would be enough to convince you to cut back a bit. Alas, no. Every. Fucking. Night. For. A. Week.

So, here's my warning: keep it up and I ain't curbing my dog from your front lawn. I walk my dog real early, while you're still sleeping it off, so we are guaranteed a clean getaway.

I suppose I should call the police, but this will be more satisfying. Welcome to the neighborhood!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I Am Tired of Your Poop Bags!!!

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 26, 2013 at 12:36 PM

Listen up all you Portland folks who choose to follow canines around the city every morning and evening collecting doggie dung! This is the life you choose!!! You have no right depositing your endless bags of poo in my garbage can. I pay for the service, and I own the container. I no more want your pup's poop in my garbage can than I want some junkie's needle in there. How many times have I walked down the stairs to find your 4-legged master taking a BIG NASTY STANK right there in my garden? Sure, you smile, humbled by the experience, and slightly apologize. Then, once my back is turned, you toss your shit-bag into my garbage can! I wonder how you feel, knowing that you're a subordinate turd-gatherer to a slobbering, tongue-wagging, butt-sniffer???


Stupid Government Alert

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 26, 2013 at 10:00 AM

Hey, City of Portland, thanks for all the services you provide at taxpayer expense. Although I may gripe about the need for certain programs and whether it is a function of local government to provide such programs, most are actually pretty beneficial to most of your fine citizens.

However, when you provide a service like street sweeping to keep our neighborhoods clean, maybe you should check the local garbage / recycling / composting schedule. Because it doesn't make any fucking sense to send out street sweepers on fucking garbage day when each house on each side of the fucking street has three fucking containers on the street that your drivers are forced to avoid, negating the whole fucking purpose of street sweeping.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Your Call Yourself "Happy Toes"!

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 25, 2013 at 7:24 PM

I've never in my life, seen a person so UNHAPPY. I'm the unfortunate person who lives next to you. I believe you do not have a friend in this whole world. So truly sad. You never have any visitors. Your own son doesn't come to visit you. There is an old saying; You have to be a friend to have a friend. Maybe, if you stopped trying to make all your neighbors miserable by calling the Police, Code Enforcement, Humane Society or the EPA, you could have an actual friendly neighbor or two. Fact is, your really just the neighborhood "psycho bitch", that even the Police laugh at, and on a regular basis. In a fitting tribute, neighbors put an old dirty toilet on your property line. If you continue to harass, additional brillant acts of kindness may follow. Do yourself a favor and get a check up from the neck up.

Merge Legally

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 25, 2013 at 4:55 PM

You want to "share the road"? Well, start owning up. You are not in a crosswalk walking your bike, you are a self important hazard on wheels. You want to ride with cars? Fine. Act like one! Wait until its YOUR turn and then GO, like a goddamn car does.
Don't edge forward from a side street to get my attention because you are impatient. I am traveling 30 mph, I will just hit you.
Make your turns/decisions when there are no cars you wimp. Unless you are some hot shit speed demon, stay the fuck away.

I will not fully brake for you, you will get hit, and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.
I will visit you in the hospital and clip this rant to your chart after I eat your puréed meatloaf and poach some of your morphine drip.

Monday, June 24, 2013

We Don't All Think Your Fucking Kid's Cute

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 24, 2013 at 9:52 PM

Hold on to your ovaries: I am 43 years old and childless by choice. I like kids. I just don't want to raise one. That said, I'm not raising one, so I don’t personally understand the joys of bicycling with my children. However, I’d like to think that if I did have kids, and I was bicycling with them, and I chose to do it on the sidewalk, I’d teach them to slow down when they approach a corner. I like to think that if my daughter did go barreling out of control around a corner and almost run a person over, instead of looking at that person and expecting her to grin happily at the beautiful specter of a child who’s obviously been given no proper biking instruction almost running over her foot, I’d apologize profusely and remind my daughter to be careful when turning corners. I don’t imagine I’d be confused and offended when the victim of my (not my child’s) carelessness did not react with great pleasure at nearly being slammed into. Here’s a tip, asshole parent in SE Portland: if you’re going to travel with your kids at speeds greater than pedestrians on a sidewalk, teach them how to use their brakes, and to especially apply them when approaching blind corners. You may think it’s awfully adorable that your daughter was going too fast and forgot how to stop, but I did not, and I was also uncomfortable with the fact that I had to physically touch your child to keep her from slamming into me. Have some respect for others, you selfish dick. It’s not as cute as you think it is.

Look, Pushed Aside Prom Queen Reject

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 24, 2013 at 2:38 PM

You and your 18yr old BFF probably didn’t understand fully what your five senses were signing up for at the gym. I understand that. I also understand that your 10 minute escapade on the elliptical isn’t going to do the same to you, as my at full incline hour does to me on the treadmill. I earned every bit of that ass sweat that you two were so nice enough to point out to each other as I wiped down my machine. This is only the first time I’ve seen you there, and maybe I won’t again, because all you two did was ten minutes on the elliptical before your giggling exit.

Next time if god is on my side, and you’re there first, I will be jumping on the treadmill DIRECTLY in front of you. You think ass sweat is gross to look at for two seconds? Well try being forced to look at it as it accelerates during your whole ten minutes. I can’t imagine how you two juvenile little girls have treated others besides me. But if I get a chance, I will place myself right in front of both of you.

So, until my thighs don’t touch anymore, and the ‘they don’t touch’ ventilation sets in, you are my mission of misery.


Portland is so Anal

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 24, 2013 at 8:40 AM

To the person who left this note on my bike at Sunday Parkways NE "You just gave this event a Black eye. Locking your Bike to My tree was Not cool" 1. Parking strips are a part of the public right of way in Portland. Its OUR tree. Yes, it would have been more polite of me to lock my bike in Alberta Park but there were thousands of bikes locked to every tree in the park. My bike is expensive. I didn't want it to get stolen in the 20 minutes it took me to buy my kid a snow cone. 2. Comparing what I did to giving someone a black eye is hyperbolic bullshit. Portland has too many whiny babies like you whose lives are so priviledged they think not having total control of every molecule that comes near them every second of everyday is the same as being the victim of an act of interpersonal violence. Trust me, its not.

Sunday, June 23, 2013


Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Jun 23, 2013 at 8:27 AM

Wanna save $3+ billion? Don't want to pay tolls? Learn to drive at freeway speed, merge, think ahead about where the fuck you're exit is. (like this will actually happen).

The Week in Review

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Jun 23, 2013 at 8:26 AM

Biden says that O'bama really is Irish as Yahoo News lamented that President Obama’s upcoming trip to Africa would not include a stop in Kenya, “the country of his birth.” O'bama says that Congress was notified about the NSA spying on Chinese citizens text messages at the same time he expects to have China extradite Ed Snowden. Meanwhile, Wyden and Merkley want a public debate about secret laws, but don't have the courage to provide amnesty for Ed Snowden or uphold their oath of office to defend the Constitution and file charges against NSA spooks.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Attic Jacker

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Jun 22, 2013 at 7:42 AM

I have the worse room in a shared house in the SE. Worst house, worst room. Ever. I've been here a few months and I am about to bounce.

Here's why: I got the fuckin attic. It's got nice windows, floors and tall ceilings. But it's about to get crazy hot up there and the rent is a bit much( As I type this, it's fucking 82 degrees up here x 500 a month, good luck replacing me).

Here's mostly why: every time I want to rub one out, it shakes the whole fucking house! The only way is if I lie on my back, with my knees up on a chunk of carpet. Im not against that but I prefer a little variety.

No ones moving out of any of the normal rooms anytime soon so I must move on. Hopefully, I'll find a place where I can snap at it without sweating then dehydrating then diarreah blues....

Friday, June 21, 2013

Your Bike Has a Motor? Good. Now Fucking Use It.

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jun 21, 2013 at 7:53 PM

Hey asshole wearing full yellow rain gear riding up Williams during rush hour on your recumbent electric-assist bike and passing everyone: keep going, asshole. Don't jump to the front of the queue then plod along at 10mph, only to get butthurt when I pass you.

Fucking drop the hammer on that embarrassing $10k nerd turd and let my pudgy, huffing, semi-drunk ass spin a blazing 14mph well behind you.

Also: it's fucking daylight and you're already covered in day-glo everything, time to turn off the sixteen billion dollars worth of exotic LED accessories, bro.


You, On the Bike

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jun 21, 2013 at 4:24 PM

So you take pole position at the red light. The light turns red and there you go at 15 mph. The speed limit is 25.

You are now staling 14 cars deep. We all see you are sorta trying. It's sad though really. Trying to keep up with traffic, but NOT trying to move over and maybe get on the sidewalk for a second, so the rest of us now 23 cars can pass your trendy tight key chained ass.

When I pass you, finally, I want to throw body fluid on you. Badly.

Sometimes I do.

Fuck you in the eyeball.

Faux Vintage

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jun 21, 2013 at 9:42 AM

Dear real property developers:

Just wanted to say thanks for coming into our modest neighborhoods, buying properties (some of which are never even put on the market) with perfectly nice and semi-affordable family homes, then knocking those properties down (without even bothering to salvage building materials that others could re-use) and building out of scale faux vintage craftsmans priced 50% more than surrounding homes.

Norm Abrams weeps.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Your Pants are Gross

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 20, 2013 at 7:47 PM

They make their way into your wardrobe rotation at least once a month. They are skin tight beige, and flared at the bottom. They go up your butt and show a mighty swollen camel toe.

Please, if this sounds familiar, stop wearing them. They are gross and those pecker tracks look permanent....

You Want to Fuck your Gum

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 20, 2013 at 12:53 PM

That is the only explanation I can think of. Ooohhh, juicy gum, I'm gonna fuck you good. Is that what your thinking about when you incessantly make all those sex noises with gum in your mouth. The slobbering, and slushing, and mofuckin' poppin' off wit dat gum. It just keeps getting louder, and more obnoxious. Get some manners!

[NOTE FROM EDITOR: Guys! This is like the second gum-smacking I, Anonymous we've received in a week's time. WE GET IT. You don't like gum smackers! Let this be the last one, and carry on! Thank you—the management.]

Passive Egressiveness

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 20, 2013 at 12:19 PM

thank you for inviting me to live you. it could have been a wonderful few months but instead it's been one and half of non-stop bickering over chores, taking sides with other roommates and a clandestine plot to win their favor. i get that you were finishing your masters and just recently were dumped by, yet another, bf for "no apparent reason". so, in the most passive aggressive (because being direct is too much for you to handle) way that i can think of to tell you this, here it is... you have a personality disorder. nothing will ever be good enough and no one will ever understand you because you are classic borderline. good luck with that. it would help if you stopped projecting your feelings of superiority/inferiority onto others.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dear Standing There Naked

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 19, 2013 at 3:36 PM

We’ve crossed paths before, and I think you’re stunning when you do your cardio. This morning at the gym, it was just the two of us at 6am in the whole building. We exchanged hi’s and even made fun of the reporter on CNN having something in his nose on national television. It was embracive actually. What was even more stimulating? Was when we both finished our workout. I headed into shower first, not knowing that only one shower in the women’s locker room was working, and you shortly followed.

You tried the broken shower but soon realized that it was out of order. You continued to undress, asking me if I was going to be long. When I didn’t answer you, because I didn’t hear you ask me at first, you opened up my shower curtain and just stood there, allowing us both to just look at each other naked. 15 long erotic seconds later, you realized what you had done and apologized, shutting the shower curtain embarrassed and quickly.

I would like to extend the invite for you to take back your apology. Our eye contact, and my eagerness to give you what you wanted, actually put me to work right on time. Without you, i might have been late. It also allowed me to think about that 15 seconds all day today.

Tomorrow?.. Same time?.. Same place?

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