Attic Jacker


For Christ's sake, see a doctor!
You might think this is "Portland Weird" but trust me: masturbating in a hot attic was all the rage in Williamsburg 3-5 years ago.
The thing about this IAnon is that there's an easily obtained fix to this problem--and you yourself mention it in your opening paragraph.

So just move and find a better room to rent--but at the same time please come back and share more of your awkward masturbation scenario stories...
Drill some tiny holes in the floor and let that spooge drip, drip, drip on your oppressors. It's only fair.
So shake the house, it's not like they don't do it themselves. This reminds me of how all the guys in the locker room are wearing towels these days. When did people get so squirrelly?
Use your St. Bernard to steady the structure. Dumbass.
^ Naw buddy, I've got your mother for that. And we don't care how much noise we make.
Have at it. A 72 yo cranks your yank huh? Yeesh....
Maybe you should try jacking it in different locations for variety- don't feel like you are trapped in masturbation limbo. You could jack off in a Fred Meyer's handicapped stall, the VIP lounge of your local chichi bar, the bushes of a public park, or possibly even the elevator to the Portland city Grill. Get creative. Just be careful though- if you beat it too much your dick might end up looking like a BMX bicycle grip.
just jerk off downstairs using your hand in your pockect. no one will notice unless you're going at it too vigorously. just don't make eye contact once you're coming
I like to sleep in. One morning, I was lying in bed, upstairs in the converted attic. There was a small, hand blown pill bottle sitting on top of a cheap dresser that had a thin, slightly warped veneer top. The time was just around Noon. For a very brief instant, the bottle vibrated, shuttering only slightly for about five rattles. The near empty top drawer beneath the thin warped dresser top, acted as a drum which amplified the sound of the slight vibration. Anytime the raccoons drop down from the tree branches onto the roof above my bed, the whole house shakes. The house sits up above the grade of the street, on an embankment. Even when a bus goes by a block away, I can feel the vibration from it upstairs, but not downstairs in the house. I wondered what had caused the bottle to rattle, because there was no bus and everything was dead quiet. I suspected a small Earthquake, so I got up, went down to Portland State University, basement of Cramer Hall, and looked at the old seismometer. There had in fact been about a 0.7 tremor on Mt Hood at around Noon.
Imagine how much the house would shake if you ever had real sex with another person
Yeah, maybe one of the downstairs roommates, before he goes.
Do you have no shower in this house?
Look, Ward, you know they keep me in the basement and I don't appreciate the innuendo.
Beat off in the shower like everyone else does.