This Week in the Mercury

All-Ages Action!


All-Ages Action!

This Week in All-Ages Music

Noah Baumbach and Greta Gerwig's <i>Mistress America</i> Is Cleverly Self-Critical


Noah Baumbach and Greta Gerwig's Mistress America Is Cleverly Self-Critical

A Story of Wins, Losses, Hurt Feelings, and Pseudo-Sisters

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dear Dad

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 19, 2013 at 11:35 AM


The S&P 500 is a stock market index that is commonly used to judge how well and how poorly the market and the U.S. economy have performed. Since we didn't get child support growing up, I will consider that money as good as being saved and invested. I have calculated how much is owed between 1979 and 2013.

Child support payments were $150 per month between July 1979-July 1997 (not factoring increases in cost of living). Starting with the first payment and ending with the last payment all monthly payments shall be contributed to an index fund based off the S&P 500.

Between 1979-1997, the annualized return between those years is 17% for a total of $213,566.00. Since I still didn’t get to spend that money on a new truck, college, or a down payment on a condo, I’ll consider it as still in the market collecting compound interest. Between the years 1997 to 2013 the annualized return is 4.47%. $213,566.00 compounding between 1997 and 2013 would increase to $417,047.53.

These calculations are basic compound formulas and the annualized returns of the S&P 500 are widely considered what one should at least beat in their portfolio or it’s time to find a new money manager. The average is taken right off of the S&P 500’s own charts and is easily accessible by the anyone with a computer.



Parashoot 12B

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 19, 2013 at 11:12 AM

You used too much juice and now I am stuck in the middle of 2013, instead of early 2019. Subject is not yet at target age. Swoop me and lets do this again. And bring me something to eat. They are still eating nanobots here.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Gum Fucker!

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 18, 2013 at 3:17 PM

I am going to poison your gum if you can't chew it with your mouth closed. I've asked you in the nicest way possible to not smack/slosh/pop your gum. You sound like a fucking slobbering neanderthal idiot. FUCK YOU!

Why!? The Swordsman Asks

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 18, 2013 at 8:54 AM

As I walked into the bar one recent fair evening, my sword and I a pair of men were seeing. The look they gave was quite strange but I thought nothing of the exchange and grabbed a drink, joined my friends for the costume party's festive ends. But not ten minutes later the cops arrived and called me outside, party deprived. For twenty minutes they lectured me about open carry and such quite stiffly. I have no problem with the police (they were just keeping the peace), but I ask you this; If you saw ten people in costume show up at a bar, why would you assume the next one with a sword is causing trouble; perhaps you're bored? THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING THE POLICE FOR you sad excuse for a wimpish whore? Why did you waste my energy and time, and the cops' as well over this non-crime? I have to be the victim just because you lack any and all wisdom. Live and let live is how I was taught but you couldn't do the same, coward distraught. I curse you sir, and I hope your "sword" has trouble for the rest of your days.


This is Why I Gave You a Ticket.

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 18, 2013 at 8:53 AM

I could literally sit on any corner and pass out failure to heed traffic signal tickets all day long. The sad thing is that these people are otherwise good drivers.
So here goes, this is why I gave you a ticket. Stop signs are placed six feet away from the actual intersection for a reason. They allow you a first stopping place that is neither in the crosswalk nor the bike lane. The idea is that after you have stopped, behind the stop sign, you can then inch to the actual intersection to see if you can turn or cross. When you fail to do this you put pedestrians both on foot and on bicycle in danger.
I will say this, the next time I hear the argument, "but I stopped at the intersection!", I am going to write you up for whatever else I can find. Stop at the Stop Sign.
I will also say, the next time I see you cross into a bike path under the pretext of "stopping at the intersection", and you almost hit a cyclist, but then have the nerve to berate the bicyclist or have the temerity to be anything other embarrassed, I will ticket the hell out of you.
The reason that these laws are in place is because at some point harm was done, people were killed. Most car accidents that result in pedestrian death happen at intersections or crossing places. You may feel prideful or entitled, because really who wants to be yelled at in public. Believe me when I tell you, all of that pride disappears when you've injured or killed someone with your car. Work with me, I hate giving out tickets.

It’s You, Not Me

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 18, 2013 at 8:52 AM

Maybe you can’t find people to work for you because:
- I am not fluent in Spanish, have museum experience, and want to be on-call for $11/hr
- I am not fluent in Portuguese and only want to be employed for 2 months
- I don’t have 4+ year work experience to only be an intern
- I am not a “rock star” nor “office ninja”
- I don’t know how to respond to your ad when you say your company is so cool it has no rules and then post about 20 rules on how you cool you should be to work for you
- I don’t want to pay you to be an intern
- I don’t want a temp job at your company to train new hires
- No one has hired any new grads in the past 5 years and therefore people with 3 year’s work experience do not exist for your entry level job
- You send employees to job fairs to talk to students but then never respond to emails about jobs
- You only post jobs for senior management jobs and custodians but nothing in-between
- You cancel all the internships after posting them on your website, yet the rest of your jobs ask for people with experience in your industry (at least 1 year)
- I had to work full time at a crappy job just to pay for school (including summertime) and therefore not be able to get any internships elsewhere
- I am not currently doing exactly the job that you have posted but at another company
- I have written so many cover letters and after never hearing back from anyone, maybe I am a little tired of putting so much effort in something that will be never read

Mediocrity is Contextual

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 18, 2013 at 8:51 AM

Congratulations on your ridiculously costly and pretentious liberal arts degree. More useless than a Gucci fishing set. Welcome to the ranks of the smug and underpaid.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Eau De Humanity

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 17, 2013 at 3:55 PM

To the oblivious young woman with earbuds who I apparently "assaulted" by invading your personal space: when you are unresponsive to a loud enough to hear over downtown ambient noise "excuse me," a tap on your shoulder is an appropriate way to get your attention to let you know that it is NOT OKAY to blindly and generously spray whatever Sephora product you just wasted money on around your head when there are other people standing right next to you at an intersection, especially on a windy day. If its some sort of face perfume, I would get my money back because it smells like a $3 cinnamon Airwick candle, but hey, thanks so much for sharing.

What Gives?

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 17, 2013 at 11:13 AM

Why is it that every bartender I know only works three days a week and is always either just getting back from an impressive foreign vacation or about to go on one? Do bartenders in this town actually make that kind of money or are they all coke dealers on the side? Hell, my favorite non-trustifarian hipster dive bar bartender just left for Europe and he's not going to be back until August...what gives?


Sunday, June 16, 2013


Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Jun 16, 2013 at 6:12 PM

Just recently, I returned from a trip to Brazil. I shipped some stuff (some furniture, clothes, records and a lot of other stuff including sacks of worthless coins).

Those coins, they are magic. They work in all vending machines as US quarters. From trimet to the car wash and all in between , these fuckers work like a charm!

Want a coke? Pay a meter? Some coinstars for some some really real cash? Lotto ticks? Gamble some video crack? I got you covered. I've been able to float these coins for a good few months.

Best payment method is use self check out and use said coins. Real American cash comes right back at ya when you "over-pay".

The stash is dwindling and I have enough go back in a few months, guess what? I got another country witha better deal lined up. Haw haw you pdx worker bees can suck it!

Cash cash cash bitches. The rest you fucks can go suck it!

Asshole couple @ Kruger's on Lombard

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Jun 16, 2013 at 6:10 PM

You and your girlfriend pulled up and parked along the Lombard, where you immediately complained about the market sign that was in your way, when you could have parked anywhere along the street. You complained to the barista in the cart next to the market about the “awful” produce at the market, after seeing me shop there.
Then your girlfriend complained about the barista “being dramatic” when she was actually being NICE. Your girlfriend sat there and mocked the barista for a good few minutes for NO REASON. That was after your girlfriend continuously yelled at your dog and yanked on the poor thing repeatedly. Both of you are gross, unhappy people who shouldn’t be allowed to interact with others. Seriously, don’t leave the house again and if you do, stay away from the produce market I shop at and the coffee cart I support. You both need to wake the fuck up.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

"Go Fuck Yourself You Fucking Whores!"

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Jun 15, 2013 at 5:42 PM

Yeah, a first grader said that. I get that it's terribly scary, but we also work in a behavioral classroom, so you should understand that this shit sorta comes with the job and learn to not take it personally. I'd be more sympathetic if you were put into this position without your say, but you actually applied for it! You say you pride yourself on feeling more comfortable with kids than adults, but then you grow immensely upset when a kid says "I hate you!" or doesn't want to play with you right at the exact moment you beg them to. Some advice? Don't fucking beg them to play with you. These kids are awesome, but they're scarred, too; the last thing they need is an adult in the classroom who projects her upset/needy behavior because she can't learn to brush it off and do her job. Part of me is thankful that you DO have a heart because I've worked with the exact opposite kind of people, but you have to pull yourself together, damnit. It's a tough job, and sometimes yeah, it DOES get to you, but I've given you ample opportunity to go take a breather and even talk about it with me in our planning time. You have never taken these opportunities, which would be fine if you didn't always let this shit get the best of you. Stop pretending you're okay when you're clearly not; talk about it, or work it out on your own, but either way—-fucking get it together, because it's the professional and right thing to do.

If Oregon Is Fucking Tolerant and Smart

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Jun 15, 2013 at 7:24 AM

If Oregon is so fucking tolerant why is gay marriage illegal? If Oregon is so tolerant why was there still racial segregation until the 1970 ? I have seen more neo nazis here and Spanaway than I ever did in Boise and Ocala,FL? If Oregon is so smart why do people reject water flouridation despite the blatantly obvious? I never met so many bigots and idiots until I moved to Oregon and I have lived in Florida, South Africa home of apartheid, and Simi Valley I have played in Seattle, Everett, Hoquiam, Olympia, Snohomish, Longview, Renton Kent, Santa Ana, Boise, Yakima, PDX, Medford, Eugene, Grants Pass, Tigard, Hillsboro, Milwaukie,etc I have seen more rednecks in Beaverton,Tigard and Hillsboro than I ever did in Dallas Fort Worth Airport, Ocala,FL, Daytona Beach. I remember this one guy who used to work at Satyricon tell me he had never met so many stupid people until he moved to Oregon I guess tolerant if you are a pc-prick know it all, a yuppie, hipster, tweaker, or pot head other wise you are fucked.

Friday, June 14, 2013

You are a Turd who Smells like Poop.....

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jun 14, 2013 at 5:58 PM

You: dude who works at @ [BUSINESS NAME REDACTED—editor] store. Mustashed, dress like a overall typical pdx douchebag.
When you are on your break or done for the day, you venture out and hit up all the free samples of food at anywhere within 2 miles radius or so.
This, is all understandable and fucking-a right. What isn't though is showcasing your ruddy duds and PRETENDING to be a customer. Your little act isn't fooling a soul. You look like such a moochy/moody little bitch that needs a slap.

Me: see your every dumb move...

Keep it up and I'll come into your store and start making food deposits in the changing room. Then we will be somewhat equal.

Oh and you look like a Hungarian version of Gallager if that helps more...,,


Hey, Asshole Dad with the Asshole kid on Hawthorne

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jun 14, 2013 at 8:25 AM

I fucking loathe your piece of shit son. But what I loathe even more than your kid is your shitty parenting and lack of concern for me or even your kid after he slams me into the American Apparel storefront with his bike. Really dude? You're going to stop half a block away gawking then take off the second your asshole son tells me to "Mooooove!" and hops back on his bike!?! Be a man you pussy.

You should be fucking sterilized. And just to prevent further propagation of inept parents, your son should be too. Fucking dick.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

I Don't Want to Hear About Your Period. Period.

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 13, 2013 at 8:35 AM

We aren't "girlfriends"; we are coworkers. While I appreciate both the work you do and your generally pleasant nature, I'm a little confused as to how I warranted the discussion of your period in the short two months we have been working together. A simple allusion to your time of the month wouldn't exactly be rant-worthy, but saying things like, "I am leaking EVERYWHERE today!" or "Once this day passes, all it'll be is the brown spotting and then it's done" is, especially when these shared tidbits of yours come out arbitrarily. Someone saying "Good morning!" is not an invitation for you to tell everyone within earshot "well, not when you've had to change your pad three times in an hour!" just like someone asking how you're doing isn't work code for wanting to know more about your flows. Just because we have a uterus and a vagina doesn't mean we're all about the period talk; we all have anuses, but did you ever hear me talk about the diarrhea i had exploding from mine a few weeks back? No, you didn't, because that would have been grossly inappropriate and unsolicited information.

"Predator" Watch?

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 13, 2013 at 8:34 AM

I'm a sixteen year old female and I live in a house which both members work a lot of the time, leaving me to walk and ride the bus to destinations. That being said, I would appreciate to be left alone, instead of hearing "What are you doing?" or "Where are you going?" by middle aged men who have nothing better to do than be interested in me minding my own business. Can I please be left in my own peace rather than have to worry if you might follow me home? Because you certainly don't ask me these questions in a casual way. Do I need to invest in pepper spray for protection, in worry of more male creeps? I've had enough. If you continue to ask "Do you want to hang out?" I am most likely going to answer with: "Piss off."

Weird Enough for You, Portland???

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jun 13, 2013 at 8:33 AM

To the folks that ran the show at the Rose Garden for Weird AL last year (2012). Yeah, you KNOW WHO YOU ARE! I was there, enjoying Weird Al in all his glory. Weird Al Fucking RULES!!! Yeah, I said it! You know you also made dance routines to his music videos when you were "younger"!! Any-fucking-way. I was at his show with my husband and two guys (who were apparently Al's biggest fans), Got Kicked out FOR BEING WEIRD AL"S BIGGEST FANS!! WTF. They even had banners and home made puppets. Apparently Al got them so excited, they couldn't even sit down. Yeah, it's a FUCKING Show. Next thing I know, the security is kicking them out. See ya $40 Weird Al ticket. Fuck THAT! Weird Al is BACK and you Super Fans BETTER BE BACK to see Weird Al this year! See you in the Weird Al Pit!!! Raising Hell Like My Salami!! Make My Boobie One More Size! Just Eat IT!! Cause I LOVE Rocky Road Bithches!!! & I'm addicted to Spuds.

Kickin people out for being a super fan??? Weird Al, I know it was your lip sinyc posse and Not you. Your like a surgeon. So white and nerdy…

If people get all freaked out this time….. Let's just all enjoy the weirdness of Al, for REal!!!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Why Can't I Quit You, Portland Mercury

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 12, 2013 at 2:55 PM


Anyway, Portland Mercury. I hated your former "I'm not a posh boy I grew up in Croydon (but not really I have a posh accent and probably slept their for two weeks once) former editor." He was a fucking dick and reached mouse levels of ego inflation and self importance. But I gotta say, the last 5 years you've been on a serious decline.

Today there is an article with advice from Activism 101. (Sign petitions! Volunteer! Give money! Talk to your friends/neighbors/crazy people on the bus!) I think I read that on a million blog posts somewhere else. And in social studies in 8th grade.

And what, you refuse to cover a harassment/sexism scandal at city hall because you thought the willy had it covered? Seriously?

Not to mention your most clicked on article that brought the fluoride loonies out in spades. While I appreciated the trolling, it was cheap.

I'm not going to call you journalists because, well, see above. But honestly, the Merc used to be interesting. It had interesting things to read. Interesting things to do. Now you're reaching willie levels of boredom and re-hash. Step it up Merc staff and remember you're members of a proud and dwindling number of people who get paid to write shit. Stop creating the equivalent of blogspot blogs.

(Also for the love of fucking god, just kill your fashion section already. It's boring as shit and full of crappy sustainable crappy crap. 2008 called Skinner it wants you back)


Dog Owners

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 12, 2013 at 12:33 PM

I know: your dog is special. Your dog doesn't need to be leashed. Your dog isn't dangerous. And your dog would never bark continuously for hours when you leave it locked inside all day. And the thousands of dollars you spend on food and medical bills each year are totally worth the unconditional love your receive in return.Your dog is your baby, Your dog needs you. As you need your dog. If you were to die, your dog would almost certainly die of a broken heart instead of attaching to someone else almost immediately. Your dog would never shit on the sidewalk, and if it did you would be sure to scoop that poop. And that is how I'll always think of you: kneeling, holding your dog's shit, while your dog stares at you, wagging its tail.

"Hey Pretty Dog!" *bite* "OMG! My Stupid Face!"

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jun 12, 2013 at 12:15 PM

Hi dog lovers and animal fans. If you see me walking my dog and you think she's pretty do not immediately come up to us, kneel down, and put your ugly face into hers ("Who's a good girl?! Gimme a kiss!") because she will probably bite your lips off. Do not walk by us at an on-leash park with your dog who is off leash and tell me that my dog, who is barking at yours, would "...probably be less aggressive if it wasn't on a leash - it's a dog thing." and continue to walk away like I'm a horrible person. See here. Regardless of what your spirit animal is, whether it be a dolphin, hermit crab, it doesn't have to necessarily be a beach animal, maybe a Platypus, it could even be something like the recently extinct Quagga - please do not assume you know me or my dog. Do not assume my dog, or anyone elses dog, is going to be nice. Some dogs get adopted at a later age, and it's up to their new owners to help reintroduce them to society and good habits. So the next time you walk up to me and my dog, ask if you, especially your kids, can pet her, and I'll probably say something like, "Sure, just be gentle because she's new and is still getting use to people." Then, you can turn on the love and also walk away with your lips still attached to your face. If you're at an on-leash dog park, keep your fucking dog on a leash. There's nothing else to it. Some of us are trying to socialize our dogs in a controlled/leashed environment, before we make the leap to an off-leash park.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Peanut Eater

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 11, 2013 at 4:16 PM

"I'm going to go to the bathroom" I whispered to my friend. Instead, I went to the lobby and reported YOUR ass for ruining the first 5 minutes of the movie. You sat behind me and in-between you cracking the shells, eating the nuts, and tossing shells on the floor, I fucking lost it. They refunded my ticket on the spot(thanks).

I went back into the theatre to find my partner to tell them we have a reffund and should just go.

Not only were you still at it, you had your iPhone out at the same time.

We loved the shit fit you threw. You fat fucking pig, stay home!

As we were making our way out, I saw you having a shit fit about not being able to eat your trader joes peanuts(loudly) in the theatre

Pull the Pussy!

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 11, 2013 at 8:46 AM

Portland Ladies! Are you pro sexual liberation but are tired of the men-children in this town treating you like shit and calling you a feminazi when you want equality and a chance to bang just like everybody else?

Pull the pussy. Close up shop. Lets all buy vibrators (those of us that are straight, although LGBTQ are always welcome) and quit fucking these douchebag Portland Transplant males whom have unrealistically high expectations yet are filthy overconfident only flat sheet owing slobs that can BARELY fuck, much less disclose disease. "Yeah baby/MAN, you're sexy with your part time job, child you don't support, and full blown alcoholism!"

Let's just masturbate! It's more satisfying anyway.

PULL THE PUSSY. Fuck NO MALE. If it actually works I'd love to see these entitled assholes complaining like hens. Well, they already do that but still....

Just a suggestion.

I Would Appreciate it if You Didn't Run Me Over

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 11, 2013 at 8:44 AM

Drivers: Check this this out. You are driving in one lane down a one-way street that has two lanes. Let's say, Stark or Washington east of 82nd. So you think you should be able drive fast, which I respect. I also like to drive fast when I can. Now let's say there's a line of cars stopped in front of you. What do you do? Obviously, you peel out into the next lane and got 40 mpg straight ahead. Right?

Wrong. There might actually be a reason that cars have stopped. Perhaps some lowly pedestrian is trying to cross the street? Well, I am that lowly pedestrian. So please don't kill me, yeah?

I have been the annoyed driver who is stuck in traffic and just wants to get where I'm going. But just so you know, you are driving a killing machine. And I am just skin and bones. So please think the next time you gun around that line of cars. I know that Oregon is pretty lax on the Vehicular Homicide tip, but I really don't think that you want to kill me and have that on your conscience for the rest of your life. Do you?

Monday, June 10, 2013

Don't Be a Sexist

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 10, 2013 at 3:28 PM

I am a female in my 20's and a bike commuter. Last Saturday around 10:30pm I was riding my bike in North Portland to meet a friend after work. I passed a group of men who started whooping and clapping. While ridiculous and offensive, it's not worth much more than an eye-roll. The experience became quite disturbing, however, when one of them yelled, “Why are you wearing clothes?” This comment was beyond inappropriate and if I had not know he was referring to the naked bike ride happening elsewhere in Portland, I would have been not only angry but frightened as well.
The naked bike ride is NOT an open invitation for lewd and sexist comments. Keeping silent when situations like the one I experienced arise is essentially saying that a fundamentally sexist mindset is still okay in today's society.
To make matters worse, when I told the men who yelled at me to mind their own business (in perhaps not so many words) I got booed.
Men and other people still think that a woman sticking up for her personal integrity in the face of sexism is something negative. It would have been more interesting for me to negate my values of feminism and give those guys the sexually exploitive display they wanted.
This is sexism. It's offensive and should not be tolerated in Portland or anywhere. I hope everyone who reads this is inspired to take a stand when you or anyone near you is the victim of sexism.

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