This Week in the Mercury

I, Anonymous
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The Week in All-Ages Music

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

You Know You are a Hipster When....

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jul 31, 2013 at 9:33 PM are reading this say you hate hipsters. respond to this. claim your mustache growing was before it was hip. haves neck tattoo(s). say "I've never heard of that band" when you are a liar. say " you've never heard this band, have you"? are poly something go to wacky random chicken wing frying parties.
10. you display all your misc. keys on your belt. claim to only like heavy metal.
12. Yeah you, bitch.
13. You have weird butt pants.
14. You are an ex of mine.
15. The word "pony" is a favorite of yours.
16. Not ready for anal.
17. Ready to be called Bi.
18. You move from rental every 4 months.
19. Gauged out and feverishly douching like the jar jar binks
20. You are fat now.
21. Declare that you want to start a laundromat/bar/venue/art space .....

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Screw You, New Seasons

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jul 30, 2013 at 3:20 PM

My friends often wonder why I hate New Seasons so much. Usually I can only give a vague diatribe that doesn't make much sense. But today, I have experienced the most exemplary New Seasons situation.

A black man with the name Jihad is at a fundamental disadvantage in finding employment. Giving him the opportunity to work is commendable. Allowing him to wear Jihad on his name-tag is very commendable from a corporation. But the white lady standing over his shoulder and being that fake-nice condescending person is so goddamn typical of you. The net positive of doing the right thing probably is greater than the aggravating smugness (she actually said "He's doing great, numbers and talking a hard"), but it's that smugness that makes me cringe every time I'm too lazy to shop anywhere else (I'm at fault here, too).

No one should have to chose between their name and living a well-adjusted life. But you don't have to be so emphatically New Seasons about it.

Through the Walls

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jul 30, 2013 at 12:50 PM

I can hear your love for porn hub. It’s quite fascinating. I can appreciate routine, and your loud over kill to narrate each explicit scene. In conjunction to learning what’s your favorite. I get to hear in distinctive quality and sensation, you savor it.

You yelling at lesbians as if they can hear you, or coaching double fisting scene, is what I get to look forward to. ‘I would have lasted longer' leaves your lips, as if you're holding in your hand the ending scene from their production script.


So shut the fuck up!

It was Sunday, really?

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jul 30, 2013 at 11:56 AM

I was at the libarary in north portland by jefferson high school quietly reading along with alot of others. I like to read books and the daily newspaper. I do this all the time I love it!!! So on sunday all I can hear and feel is load music in the tones of michael jackson and others. This is not religous music that was shit. The end pure crap. Take it some place else who cares where just not where people come to be quiet. YOU SUCK PORTLAND you are rude stupid and get a life and friend. No more information. A Portland Native


Monday, July 29, 2013

Craigslist Runaround

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jul 29, 2013 at 7:44 PM

I told you I would wait two hours for you to drive from Eugene to buy the skateboard deck I posted on Craigslist. When you had trouble finding my house I tried talking you through instructions over the phone, but instead you drove aimlessly while getting through the epilogue of your life story. When you finally made it to my house, rather than making a simple transaction to carried on a mixed monologue about a car you totalled and all of the hangups of dealing with insurance adjusters. Instead of appropriate haggling, you attempted to barter with sodas and bottled water you found in your car. When you finally did decide to buy the skateboard you did so by counting out quarters into my open hands, 100 quarters. Then you had the audacity to ask to come along to the indoor park with me. If I had charged myself minimum wage for this hassle, I more than lost money. Thanks.

Mellow Out at Home, Hippies!

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jul 29, 2013 at 1:19 PM

I work in a local restaurant and bar where we share the restroom with our customers, and for the most part things are kept pretty clean. I just have one complaint. FLUSH THE DAMN TOILET PEOPLE! I'm not talking about the staff. Seriously, if you've got to "let it mellow", do so at home, not in a public bathroom. It's fucking gross. I know everyone's trying to save water and the earth and stuff. And that's cool. BUT STOP LETTING IT MELLOW IN MY WORKPLACE! If I came to your home I would flush the toilet. It's just nice. Also, it ain't the ladies. I hope at least you're washing your hands dudes. Though I've got my doubts.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

You Pick

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Jul 28, 2013 at 6:13 PM

We met through ok Cupid.. I could kinda tell something was a bit off. Not sure at the time.... Your picture shows nice teeth and tits. not that those EVEN matter but i fealt they represented a lady not so wrapped up in drama and meth and etc.

We me up at Holman's on 28th.

We hit it off and soon after I could tell your nice teeth were indeed fake.

You tried to get me to go to another bar but that dude who dropped you off kept pacing out front. The same dude who I'm sure would have kicked my ass.

I thank you for buying my drinks as I skipped the fuck out and back to Internet porn. Where I am totally. Fucking. Safe.

Nice try trixie....

You Saw Me, Huh?

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Jul 28, 2013 at 8:32 AM

To the guy who yelled "I see you baby, shakin' that ass" at me while I was walking to Safeway:

What made you think I wanted to hear that? Was it my wearing shorts in July? Was it the way I was pushing my baby's stroller? Or was it just that I was a woman in public? I don't know if you saw me flip you off, but I know your friend in the back did. How did that make you feel? Did you feel some remorse for harassing a woman who was just going about her business? Or did you get a kick out of it and call me a bitch for not having a sense of humor? I've got news for you, commenting on a stranger's body isn't funny or cute, it's harassment (even if you sing it). And now you know, so hopefully you can make some changes to be a better man. If not, I feel sorry for every woman who knows you, because you obviously don't know how to treat them.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Go to Hales

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Jul 27, 2013 at 8:04 AM

Bring back Sam. So far:

- Two scandals with corrupt government officials
- A lot of shit just not being done

And now you fucking dicks want to raise the arts tax to sliding scale. Do you not understand that because of your fucked up idiocy about what counts as affordable housing, rising utility bills and frozen wages WE CAN'T AFFORD YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT?

As far as the Hales campaign goes, good job fucking over the opponents with a drill. Looking forward to your golden boy driving the city into the ground over the next few years.



Friday, July 26, 2013


Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jul 26, 2013 at 6:19 PM

To all the hipster dingle-berries dressing up like it is the Kentucky-Fucking-Derby and going out to Portland Meadows: enough already. I enjoy visiting the track, having a drink, and gambling on the ponies. What I don't like is all the floppy hatted floozies and suspender-wearing douches looking for an excuse to play dress up. You are not southern belles or distinguished gentlemen. Portland Meadows is not Churchill Downs. Leave our track to the degenerates like me who truly appreciate it.

I Accidentally Slept with Your Mom

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jul 26, 2013 at 12:30 PM

Dude, for all the times we joke about sleeping with each other's mothers, I can no longer joke about it since it really happened after Last Thursday. It was fun going out for drinks with you and your mom, then when you passed out she kissed me. I was going to leave but I couldn't help myself. When she kissed me I felt all the blood in my body go directly to my pecker, it pressed against her body, she moaned in my ear, and it was all over after that. To my defense, I was pretty drunk. I can't tell any of our friends, so I am telling the world on IA. Oh, that semen stained sock that made it under your futon..... its mine. I'm afraid to get it now. Everytime I come over to your house, I'll have to see if the cum-sock is still there. The worst thing about this is, I will really miss those Mom jokes, but I don't have the heart to tell one more.

Dandelion's Raawrrr

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jul 26, 2013 at 12:29 PM

I am sorry that you had such a hard time for such a long time. You deserve to have every opportunity and to have the tools to take advantage of them. I want to help you support you and be a asset to your life. It can be challenging when we both are going up and down with the times. We got this though Dove dot give up on us. Thank you for being so understanding. This dandelion grew regardless of all the pavement that surrounds, it for you, so make a wish. I just Did. XOXOxo

Dear Child Un-Protective Services

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Jul 26, 2013 at 8:11 AM

Dear Apathetic Bureaucrat at Child Protective Services - Thank you for informing me that tethering your six month old baby and his toddler brother into a bike carrier with some scraggly rope, then adorning said carrier with cardboard signs asking for money on MAX and around Pioneer Square, is NOT child abuse. Thank you for advocating for the lovely father as opposed to his helpless kids by giving him the benefit of the doubt and speculating that the 'family' just needed a little extra money. Thank you for telling me that there was nothing you could do without the name and address of the shirtless, spineless dad, who was oh-so-approachable whilst yelling at his giant 'working' junkyard dog. Yes, it was clearly a 'working' dog, as the dad dubbed it, not another abused creature being used to get money from strangers. It obviously had papers and was safe to bring around everyone else's children on the MAX, merely adding to the pile of fleas already falling off the guys' kids. I might be a privileged white bitch, who loves her kid enough not to pimp her sweet smile out for dough, but even the trashiest Greshamite on the train agreed this shit was a travesty. Fuck you for sitting on your fat, overpaid ass while two little kids' lives are being ruined.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Final Word

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jul 25, 2013 at 8:46 PM

Ok my turn. I comment on all these I Anonymouses so I might as well hold myself up for examination. Be as cruel as you need to be todd mecklem, jrr trollkein, That dude who looks like the parks and rec guy...

I did the married guy cheat thing for a few years.This is to the accomplice. She wont read this because she is brazilian and out of the age group and out of her mind but in true I,A fashion I submit my deepest batshit crazy thoughts for all to peruse.

Hey I know we ended on a bad note with me going to the company about your crazy threats. But its been a couple of yearsand I just want to say you were good in bed like you said . Be proud and move on. I was out of my depth it meant too much to me. We had good times fucking everywhere like from behind in your parking garage and at the movies and I will always cherish those fuckbuddie moments. Now that I am over the imagined closeness we had I can appreciate the intense rabid need we shared. Sorry you blew it but I guess thats the way you usually say goodbye.



Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jul 25, 2013 at 12:17 PM

I can't believe you think it's OK to fuck people in your studio. This place is an open air plan, it's basically a cubicle-style office, and there are like a half-dozen people within eight feet of you, at any given time; you may as well be getting fingered in the street. I know you self-describe as a "slut" (I know this because you're on the phone all day, every day, and in spite of my constant attempts to zone out with headphones, I know pretty much your entire, tedious life story at this point), but this kind of behavior is a bit much. Have a little dignity, kid.

I Put My Penis in Your Oatmeal

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Jul 25, 2013 at 10:16 AM

Yup, not a typo, I put my penis in your oatmeal. Most of you here. If you've ever bought oatmeal in Portland, chances are you have made contact with my penis. There is something warm and inviting about freshly made oatmeal, and when you are as bored at work as I am, oatmeal is warm and loving. The thought of my jackass anal-retentive sexist angry boss catching me, makes it all the more fun. You see, for the last week I've been wanting to quit this hell-hole. I am waiting for the day to see the bosses face when my boss walks in the kitchen and sees me with my co$k out of my pants, resting patiently on a bowl of warm oatmeal, bouncing around doing 'jumping jacks'. I will be holding a cup of coffee, smiling, and I will respond, "I'm on break! Permanent Break! Coffee?" grinning, I will count the number of seconds it takes for her to fire me and post it in the comment section.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

First Dates Suck

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jul 24, 2013 at 12:30 PM

You shared all your intense horror medical stories (and showed me the scars from when you set your face on fire from a drinking game, multiple car accidents, plastic surgery, etc).
You made the waitress feel the screws under your skin after she said she didn’t want to. (Seriously, pressed her hand to your skull as she protested).
You interrupted me and “corrected" me about my thoughts on religion multiple times in a matter of a minute, than said I had an unusual reaction when I said I didn’t want to discuss religion anymore.
You gave me your “I’m too smart for medical school, so that’s why I dropped out." resume.
You pitched me a “if you buy this dining card and use me as a reference, I'll earn free meals."
After you over-ate at dinner, we walked to the waterfront (trying to make you feel less bloated), where you proceeded to unzip your pants, lay on a bench and ask me to rub your stomach.
Fred Armisen was at our restaurant and you said you didn’t know who he was, so he’s not a celebrity and gave him shitty looks.
Ahhh, being single is looking so much better.

"I Feel Like I'm Fucking Black!"

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Jul 24, 2013 at 10:09 AM

While making my way to the Rose Gardens last week in Portland (it was my first time, I'm visiting from louisiana) I was waiting for people to load on a bus when I heard an argument between the driver and a kid (20-25) with a skateboard. He refused entry knowing this kid, saying that the way he gets off at the top of the hill and skates down is dangerous, and it was for everyones safety. Seemed reasonable. The kid proceeded to argue, then as he walked off the bus he screamed, "I feel like I'm fucking BLACK!" This was a mere few days after the Zimmerman verdict and he clearly thought he was making the bus driver look like a dick but he didnt. What he did was seem like a white-privileged PNW asshole. I'm beyond disappointed. Never would I think in a million years I'd experience such blunt, loud, obvious racism and anger in Portland. Where's the liberal oasis everyone brags about? I haven't seen it yet.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Redemption Pod

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jul 23, 2013 at 10:55 PM

So, when I saw that Ian Karmel and Stacey Hallal were guests on the Greg Fitzsimmons podcast, I got super excited. When he jettisoned Hallal after a few minutes of obnoxious conversation, I was like, that's a dick move. But then I saw that Fred Armisen was on Fitzsimmons' show and gave him a chance to redeem himself. And you know what, listening to that podcast confirmed that Armisen is unfunny. Totally redeemed, Fitzsimmons.


Monday, July 22, 2013

Baby Making Wannabe

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jul 22, 2013 at 8:43 PM

Many months back. I responded to your ad: A Lesbian couple looking for a suitor, to help procreate a child for you.

I was really just looking to get laid.

We hooked up and did the deed twice at first, many weeks later, no baby.

We went at it again a few more times and I definitely did my best to blast off all my batter for y'all.

It was awesome. Your lady sat in on the final session and it got super erotic/trippy. It has provided me with enough fodder for life.

Still, no baby.

I got fixed a few years back but I couldn't tell you and pass up on such an erotic endeavor. It was the best sex ever and I definitely thank you.

Again. Thanks. I tried.

In Wistful Lamentation Of This Cultural Moment

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jul 22, 2013 at 8:46 AM

I, Anonymous, sold out my city.

I co-created a TV show about Portland. I won't say which one it is, but let's just say that it makes a cardboard parody of Portland and the people here. Remember the film "Singles", with Matt Dillon as a grunge rocker? Remember how it was the moment that Seattle became "Seattle", and lost its sincerity in the process? Yeah, that's what my show does for Portland! Pretty cool, right?

On our show we mock all kinds of people who are committed to effecting social movement in our community through the direct expression of progressive politics in their daily lives. We mock the people at the non-profit, volunteer-run feminist bookstore. We mock men who don't conform to dominant forms of masculinity. We mock people who use their bicycle for transportation. We mock people who consider the ethicality of their eating habits. We're funny! Oh, and we would never film east of 205. East Portland = NOT funny.

People love our show. It's really helped spread awareness of how "hip" and "now" it is here, and I think it's doing a lot to encourage the unsustainable influx of young people into our city, and could even be contributing to the increasingly strained housing market and rising cost of living. Lucky for me that I own real estate here!

Friendliest Place on Earth

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jul 22, 2013 at 8:45 AM

If I am at New Seasons I am drunk and decided it was a good idea to buy "ingredients" and cook them myself instead of paying someone fifty cents more to cook them for me. I am drunk because I am depressed about growing up horribly abused and being drunk is pretty much the only way I can talk to other human beings (including my closest friends). I am not joking about that.

Why do I have to get caught in a Q&A about what I plan on doing with my food? It's my nightmare. I am socially awkward, drunk, and childhood trauma makes my every conversation a pathological attempt at being accepted.

For the record, I know the mistake I made & spent a long time wondering why I said "same texture" instead of "same timing" without correcting myself.

Since Portland is the stupid place that it is, I ran into you at a bar while avoiding the entire area of town in which I assume you work and live and overheard you talking to your friends about what an idiot I am in a way that made it seem like you wanted me to hear. Months later. Thanks for that.

Who Watches the Watchmen?

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jul 22, 2013 at 8:45 AM

This evening, sitting around, talking with friends, we witnessed a high speed pursuit through their neighborhood. Three (as in three!) police cars chasing an SUV through a child-populated neighborhood with extremely narrow streets. Narrow enough that, with cars parked on either side, only one vehicle can pass at a time.

Now, luckily no one was hurt (at least within the neighborhood...can't speak to the terminus of the pursuit), nor was any property damaged (ibid). And though I cannot speak to the cause of the pursuit, I can speak to this: I cannot conceive of a situation where it is considered advisable, or in any way safe, that three patrol cars are necessary to give chase through a residential area, especially when a major thoroughfare, one block away, was the only exit route.

When my friend called the non-emergency police line, to give voice to her concerns over what we rightly saw as dangerous, reckless behavior on the part of law enforcement, those concerns were dismissed. As if she, or any of us for that matter, had no reason or right to question the behavior of public servants. To quote, "That's not my problem", followed by a dial tone.

How disgraceful, that this behavior on the part of those sworn to protect and serve the citizenry would occur, let alone that anyone would ever consider it tolerable.

It is we, the citizens, that grant authority to law enforcement, and as such we must always remember that it is our responsibility to hold them accountable.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

I Wuz Here

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Jul 21, 2013 at 8:36 PM

Normally at home I pee into a toilet. But in public, if I am in a single occupancy bathroom, I pee in the sink. It's just easier!

The problem is that I do not clean the last three or four drops that always end up on the rim of the sink. I never clean these drops, I leave them on the sink. A urinary calling card, if you will. Can you think of anything worse???

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Bike Blunder

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Jul 20, 2013 at 6:52 PM

Dear gross lady riding her bike on the sidewalk downtown, I understand that maybe you don't know the laws and rules around here. I'm sure you are probably so fucked up on whatever drugs you're using that the sidewalk (full of people) seems like a perfect place to ride your (probably stolen) bicycle. However, you nearly ran into my husband TWICE. So when I said to him, "Watch out honey, bicyclist behind you. On the sidewalk." I was a little irritated that you seemed to have no care in the world about how close your bike was getting to people. Your little tantrum was hilarious as you brought out the high-pitched valley girl voice, "Like, oh my God! Like, people are riding bikes, like, on the SIDEWALK! Oh my gawd!" Just go keep doing your meth or whatever drug of choice you abuse. Try not to ram your bike into someone who will beat your ass. On second thought, feel free to ram your bike into whomever you'd like. P.S. Your hairstyle makes you look like ridiculous.

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