And I don’t want to be an idiot by association. Which is why I called the police this morning at 2am, due to you letting off illegal fireworks in our apartment complex. We live in the back forty with an abundance of trees and freshly laid bark, so fuck the bull shit whiskey dick. I heard you talking to the police officer explaining that you didn’t know that fireworks weren’t allowed in the complex. And, that you got your illegal ones from a friend at work, and you didn’t know they were illegal.

When I saw the police officer rummage through your brown bag on the ground that had all your fireworks in it, I prayed that he would give you a ticket. Instead he asked to see your ID, only your ID was in your apartment which meant you had to go get it, which meant him following you. Once your conversation arrived at our stairs and I could hear you so sweet and perfect, it took all of me not to laugh until I peed!

Next time before you light illegal fireworks in an apartment complex at 2am waking up your neighbor (who gave you a fucking turkey at xmas last year), you should take managements note off your door that explains fireworks of any kind are not tolerated. And maybe you shouldn’t leave the purchased box with your receipt taped to it on our front stairs, that proves you paid for them with your debit card in the state of WA, when you’re planning on setting them off when you’re shit faced drunk. I’ve never physically laughed myself to sleep before. I cheers a Hamm’s can to you.