Dear Cigarette Smokers

Comments

1
oh fuck off and vote against flouride, you self-important shitheel.

if i knew where you lived i'd leave more that empty cigarette packs in your yard, IE giant human feces.

get over your self-righteous, pseudo healthy-living, earth-conscious suburbian self image and accept that people don't make the decisions as you, and learn to live with the fact that litter happens in urban environments.
2
seriously, fuck this chicken coop-owning, self-pickling, vest and mustache-wearing, burning man-going, hippie feel good liberal asshole.

i'll smoke if i want to.
3
Look on the bright side: it could be broken crack pipes, dirty needles, soiled diapers, used condoms, and the carcasses of disease infested vermin.
4
Bort, it isn't the smoking he cares about you dicknose, it's the fact that you're littering. On top of that, you literaly said you'd shit on this guys lawn. Way to validate everything he just said.
I say this all as a regular smoker.
5
Cigarette butts? Is that what those are? I thought they were tampons for cats.
7
Oh thank God: a cigarette rant! That's never been done before!
8
there are lots of brands of cigarettes out there. There is kools, camels and others. Since you didn't identify which brand it was let's do the math to try to identify the likely person who soiled this great land out your way. Statistically speaking there are more smokers of one brand than an another so lets start there.
Marlboro is the largest selling brand of cigarettes in the world. It is made by Philip Morris USA within the US, and by Philip Morris International outside the US. Richmond, Virginia, is the location of the largest Marlboro cigarette manufacturing plant.
So right there we know if you are not in Virginia its less likely that your litter bug was smoking a Marlboro. Unless they are a traveling salesman from Asia.
In which case you should check if you have any Karaoke bars around. I've never seen any Asians not smoking in a karaoke bar so logically if you have a Karaoke bar there they were smoking inside and thus your smoker must NOT have been Asian. Ok getting closer.
The thing about cigarettes is they are bad for you but people keep doing it! Rates of cigarette smoking vary widely, and have changed considerably over the course of history — since cigarettes were first widely used in the mid-20th century. While rates of smoking have over time leveled off or declined in the developed world, they continue to rise in developing nations.
So, clue. You are not in a developing nation. Not at all. So your smoker must be some old dude hanging around wondering where all his cronies went. Good news is he didnt get far on foot. He's probably close by and smoking again. Its just a matter of finding him. Other known fact: Cigarettes are a frequent source of fires leading to loss of lives in private homes.
Ding Ding Ding. Hear that? Fire truck, emergency vehicles. Thats him over there, just fireman fred.
But wait Cigarettes are a significant source of tax revenue in many localities. This fact has historically been an impediment for health groups seeking to discourage cigarette smoking, since governments seek to maximize tax revenues. Furthermore, some countries have made cigarettes a state monopoly, which has the same effect on the attitude of government officials outside the health field. And a fireman wants nothing to do with you messing with tax revenue. That's his new firehouse you are talking about. He will not help you find the bad man. Go back 3 spaces and do not collect $200.
If you weren't such a shitty detective you would know that traces of Lipsticks, cosmetics, nail polish, or other smears can be found left on drinking cups, glasses, CIGARETTE BUTTS, and tissue papers and may all be significant forensic evidence in the investigation of a crime, especially in cases such as a sexual assault or a homicide. (Dude maybe your smoker is also a raper)
This physical evidence may be found on clothing, parts of the body, a tissue, or cigarette. By comparing the composition of a lipstick smear with that of a victim, forensic scientists can demonstrate indirect proof of contact or a relationship between victim and suspect. Also, it is sometimes possible to extract saliva DNA from the print and may link a suspect to a crime scene. Saliva means spit. So what you need to do do is spit on that butt, or lick it, and then see if any lipstick appears.
By the process of reduction you know that only women wear lipstick so guess what> your smoker may be 'smokin'. But lets not get ahead of ourselves. Like cigarettes there are many kinds of lipstick. Unfortunately Chapstick was invented for guys and cherry chapstick can create the illusion of lipstick on a bro's face if its warm enough. So how do we distinguish? Because at some point do we stop caring if we find out its just some dude hanging around and not potentially a stylish lady smoker with leather boots and a miniskirt?
Just think that dirty butt you are clasping in your sweaty forefingers may have very recently been between the lips of a sumptious young woman who will not mind at all if you ask her not to smoke in your yard. But the Key word is lips. Dont assume you know all about them. Lips are a visible body part at the mouth of humans and many animals. Lips are soft, movable, and serve as the opening for food intake and in the articulation of sound and speech. Human lips are a tactile sensory organ, and can be erogenous when used in kissing and other acts of intimacy. Or they can simply be closed so as to avoid telling others what to do. At this point you have do some legwork. Legwork, in law enforcement slang, is the work necessary to solve a case. Legwork usually involves interviewing witnesses, investigating evidence and following leads. Or you can just knock and talk with your neighbors. Im sure yours like you. Knock and Talk or Tap and Rap is a law enforcement tactic used when there is not sufficient evidence, probable cause, or reasonable suspicion to obtain a search warrant. It is held to not implicate the Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution if consent is given by the citizen to enter the residence and perform a search. You not being a cop probably will have to use powers of vigilante to summon this tactic.
Again Im not advising you to be a vigilante. This is not my advice and i have never advised you to do this. But sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and break their window and climb inside to search for evidence. Cigarettes? Or Lipstick. Or anything from which fire may be obtained.
Yes fire! That is the final clue. Because where there's smoke... yess there is... is.. right. now you got it. Lets say you see a lighter. Take it. Then later you can casually see your neighbor and casually say hey i found this out here by my house is this YOURS? Guess what when they say yes you have found your smoker. Take whatever means of justice you find neccesary. Smoking is your right but its also your right not to smoke and that means they shouldnt litter on your goddamn property! This goes back to Neopolanic times.The concept, idea or philosophy of property underlies all property law. In some jurisdictions, historically all property was owned by the monarch and it devolved through feudal land tenure or other feudal systems of loyalty and fealty.
So you are in the right here and never forget it.
9
You're fucking kidding me if you think anyone is reading that.
10
When those people choke on those cigarette butts I,A; I hope they die on your front porch.
11
I am glad I quit smoking cigarettes recently, maybe I can finally learn how to read.
12
Hey "I'm right etc" your high horse is really a discarded office chair. FYI.

Meth much?
13
Go ahead and smoke all you want, but quit returning to an enclosed area where the rest of us have to be subjected to your indescribably, nose hair curdling breath.
14
But, but, American Spirits heal your lungs and are so, so deck!
15
Apparently I'm illiterate and smell bad, but at least I'm not a raging asshole. Aren't non-smokers just the worst!? Second hand smoke kills, but not soon enough!
16
But y'are, Madge!
17
Litter does NOT happen in portland. Or oregon for that matter, in fact it is illegal. If you want to live in a slum move back to new jersey shit head. We LIKE it here.
18
You smoke because you're weak.
19
Can I just point out that if smokers are all illiterate as you claim, then you have picked the wrong fucking medium with which to get their attention?
20
i'mrightyourwrong just filibustered the shit out of this thread. yeeesh.