Please park your yapping punt dog in front of my bike while your dog has a nervous melt down and barks its ass at everybody. Thanks for guarding your precious zone so ferociously.
And What has happened to our parks? Oh thats right, every bit of green space has to be covered in your muddy shitty dog zones. I guess thats why we pay the big park bond taxes, so your dog can run free to harass all the little creatures. But why not stop at the trail head keep on going into town off leash? I see you let your dog be 'free' ie: charging runners, toddlers, birds and squirrels. What fun ye sayeth?
I'm a human breeder and I know that if I leave my kids diapers and shit everywhere I would get a knock knock from child protection services. Dont let your dog hide its shit under some leaves and walk away. Its hazardous you dumb fucks. I see you furrowing away with your precious poochie. Just keep your dog on a fucking leash and pick up its shit. Trick or Treat smell your feet, you may have dog shit on it.
We’ve worked together for a long time and generally get along, but there is something so fucked about your personality that I had to write this: the whole “just kidding” thing.
See, you’re strong. You don’t take any. That’s great. But when you say rude, arrogant things that hurt other people, you’re “just kidding.” The funny thing is, you don’t notice you’re doing this. Example:
I’ve had you berate me before and rip me a new one. It was hurtful and uncalled for, but when I told you that suddenly you’re….. “JUST KIDDING!” I told you that you sure seemed serious, so you awkwardly avoided me for the rest of the day - kinda hard when we share a workspace, eh?
Keep being strong. Don’t take any. But for FUCK’S sake, if you’re going to say rude things, at least have the balls to stand by them. It’s ok to apologize. It’s not ok to decide you’re “just kidding” because you realized you’re being rude.
We love Geek Trivia. But Clippy the office assistant isn't from Microsoft Windows 98, it's from Microsoft Office. Some guy tried to tell you this, but you called him an asshole.
just want to say it's no failure to be teaching 5 year olds to listen to you play your accoustic guitar.
It must take skill to force them to sit in a circle while you croon "teach" them. Just guessing about the circle because i can only hear you singing while i eat my lunch but i am not guessing about your musical aptitude. You are horrible my friend.
I know musical nursery schools are popular now but that doesn't mean Stairway to heaven is better than Puff the Magic Dragon. Stick to something they might like instead of something you like. I know you can strum the simpler tunes because you stumble your way around all those zep tunes ok.
Kinda cool when you had them singing Stone temple Pilots "Vaseline" the other day. Way to get them a head start on drug savvy fatalism.
I love you Duck Fuckers, I love all of you! But why, why is there that one person when you Duck fans sing out “Oooooo” who consistently extends his “Oooooo”, trying to bring all of you to harmony? Some of you are not singers. Some of you never took swimming in high school, and “Oooing” that long turns your face blue. Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about, which is explained to me by the look on your face, that expresses you’d give up your cheese sticks shoving them in their mouth just to get them to stop.
A ten second “Ooo” is plenty. If it’s a touchdown fine, extended it to 15 seconds. But when there’s a flag on a play, and that duck fan has "Ooo’d" so long that they’re the only one left "Oooing" because all of you have aborted mission containing pipes suitable for a choir, tell he/she to shut the fuck up. Those are your cheese sticks, you paid for them.
Dear would be eco-terrorists slashing tires in NE Portland. Did you know that it takes 7 gallons of oil to make the average car tire. More to make the larger SUV and truck tires you specifically target. For every tire you send to the dump another needs to be purchased to replace it, that's another 7 gallons of oil. You've hit over 300 vehicles now. Let's say you slash two tires on each vehicle, that's 8400 gallons of oil, enough to fill a tanker truck, with a value of about $20,000. Additionally all your victims are going to replace their tires at an average of $150 per tire, that's $90,000 going to Goodyear and other tire companies.
- You've sent 15,000 pound of waste to the landfill in the form of toxic rubber.
- You've given $10,000 to the oil industry for the oil to create 600 replacement tires
- You've given $90,000 to the tire industry itself for said tires.
- You've robbed 300 people of their hard earned money by being completely pretentious, arrogant assholes and nobody stopped driving their SUV as a result.
Thanks, but I don't think the planet needs any more of your help.
To the insanely attractive woman outside the Pearl Safeway demanding the Street Roots guy give you back your money if wouldn't say "thank you", may I say thank YOU! That was one of the sleaziest, gross, embarrassingly sad spectacles I've ever witnessed, and I've seen some sad shit in my day.
The way you tried to enforce your dominance over that little guy with his street roots papers was so sickening and truly pathetic. As a small crowd gathered and we began to tell you to get lost, you seemed to realize how excruciatingly gross your behavior was before you speed walked away in a huff.
It's clear you had other shit on your mind this evening and it manifested with this weird demand that the bum heap thanks on you for giving him some change, but wow that small of you. I'm still replaying it in my mind and cringing. I wonder if you feel bad in hindsight, or if you're off drinking overpriced martinis with your brethren and telling them how some bum "stole your money" today then a bunch of "Creepy Guys" started harassing you. Pearl women.. not even once.
Dear Jerk-Off Roommate,
It would be wonderful if you sprouted a fucking clue and realized you should be living somewhere in the Pearl or SE where people are desperate enough to accept your rent money in order to maintain their vapid and useless lifestyles. Unfortunately, you moved in with a couple of professional adults who are capable of keeping a tidy household and recognize when you need to put forth any kind of effort around the house. I do really love the 110% effort put forth towards your diet and career. I must confess that, I don't really dig the 5% effort effort you muster to do anything other than washing OUR fucking dishes.
I wish I could be blamed for passive-aggressive behavior, but making multiple (and straight-forward) requests that you lift a fucking finger around the house seems to have no effect on that pea-brain of yours. When your roommates have little or nothing to say to you on a daily basis, maybe you should have the common fucking sense to realize that a new living situation may be in order.
FYI, this “Anonymous” sentiment won't last very much longer. I can only hope that you read this post, and that I see that dopey fucking face when I inform you that you have 30 days to find a new living situation. Good luck with your uber-healthy and annoyingly intrusive lifestyle.
That's right, modern society, you idiotic, stupid thing, we need more parking lots, and we should build them in every community. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, PARKING LOTS, PARKING LOTS FOR EVERYONE! Why? Because cars are fucking nazi-machines. I don't want to look at them as much as I can, nor ever find myself driving one, submitted to the conditions of modern reality. SO WE SHOULD BUILD PARKING LOTS. WHY NOT GET STARTED RIGHT AWAY? It would benefit everyone, except assholes, or people who think being an asshole is a good thing. Yeah, parking lots, so that the rest of the neighborhood can just have grass and trees and playgrounds in between the houses. Sounds like such a good idea that nobody will actually take it up.
I was very sick. It was something that put me in the emergency room and I had serious surgery for. Sadly it started at work. I can pinpoint the exact moment it happened. I was sitting at my desk working and then pain like I'd never experienced (and hope to never experience again) shot through me and I was in agony. I was stupid and took a whole bunch of painkillers instead of just going to the emergency room. The only position that alleviated the pain was on my side.
So I went to the restroom and curled up in a little ball in the stall, trying not to be noticed, waiting for the oxy to kick in. But you noticed me. Or so I found out later. The thing is, you didn't ask me if I was ok, or if I needed a doctor, or if I even needed a glass of water. You let me lay there in excruciating pain. You didn't tell anyone either.
Oh wait. You did. After I'd been off work for a couple days and it became apparent it was me. Then you told people I was laying on the bathroom floor in pain.
You were already an awful coworker but you are also an awful fucking person. If there's a hell I hope your head will be on a pike roasting in flames. Since you probably do shit like this to other people too. But here's the thing, if it happens to you I'll still ask if you're ok, if you need a doctor, if you need a glass of water. Even if I want to stab you in the fucking heart for leaving me there in pain and then humiliating me later on.
GO FUCKING FUCK YOURSELF! I want to draw a penis on your face after you pass out drunk one time. I want to push you in front of a big ass mud puddle as a bus goes by. I want a pay a stranger to follow you, and make you systematically late for every fucking single thing you do that day, including taking a shit. I want to make a Craig’s List post and add your phone number, so people will call you, because you and he/she have the same “I fuck animals” fetish, while strangers watch. I want to let loose a hundred non killing spiders in the front seat of your car. I want to whore out your work email address on porn sites, and let the spam roll in. I want to send your pastor, priest, reverend, or preacher an email from you, asking them what’s the best way to tell your wife, her sister’s, and her brother’s that you want to have a few sexual encounters with all of them at the same time to strengthen your family bond.
Because all of that, will not compare to how much hate I have for you, for tricking me into downloading this piece of software update.
And you totally fell for it, at the Goodwill drop off box this afternoon.
Sitting in my car watching your drop off transaction, while listening to music this sunny afternoon was the greatest idea I had today. I was going to circle around the parking lot, and then I thought about going to the bank real quick. But, I decided to just park, and keep my place in line. And I’m glad I did, because ten minutes later after taking your tax write off receipt (I collect those too) You lifted up your shirt, and let that dirty old non-showered man softly feel your boobs up. Now call me crazy, but I don’t think that guy was your dad. I noticed the age difference, and it got me questioning how you know this man. I don’t think do. He tenderly caressed your breasts, like you were Meals On Wheels People, bringing him a second piece of his favorite kind of pie.
I’m not exactly sure what a toothless, grungy old man says to a complete stranger in her mid-thirties to get her to show him what I suspect are freshly purchased rock hard circle breasts, in a Fred Myers Parking lot. But I sure am the fuck, who’s going back and asking him!
-Because, if it works for that guy!
Congratulations! Your particular brand of try-too-hardness has by all accounts worked, as you have won over the local masses and become something of a Portland Celebrity. Jim Spagg and Tom Petersen would be proud. That said, how about we keep the whole unicycle and bagpipes thing a rest once the sun goes down. Last night you spent an hour aimlessly riding through Sunnyside and the shit got old after 10 minutes. At the very least learn songs from a different fucking movie.
How does a guy get quarters? Gotta do the laundry,
vacuum the car, get a soda.
In the super market; even if I spend $50,I'll ask when
punching my debit and hitting $10 cash back( can I get
that in quarters)? I get a look from a clerk named
Sonny, like I'm wearing an I Love Nixon T shirt, and
get sent to another cashier that looks more managerial,
but can't come up with any quarters. Next stop ,the
unattended customer service counter. I wait long
enough for my milk to sour, when a dude with a white
shirt and no apron comes out of the back vault.
He's wearing a slight smile, thinking he's gonna sell
me an $8 pack of butts, but I waive my 10 spot and
say (The "Q" Word), please. He freezes up, squeezes
the knot of his skinny tie, exhales slowly, takes my
10 and punches a 28 digit pass code to get back in
the back room.
To pass the time, I'm looking at the store motto( Service
is our Middle Name) and the names of all the dept.
heads and their smiley faces. He finally emerges
with the treasured roll tightly clutched in his fist and
is jotting something down (serial # of the roll??) on
his clip board. I'm thinking is he waiting for my ID
or am I going to have to pry these friggin quarters
out of his hand. Instead he stares past me like he's
wondering if I've got any accomplices, taps the silver
on the counter with a rat tat tat and says come again
Clean clothes and soda pop, here I come.
You passed me going up on Southeast Clinton Street to tell me I was a "BUM" because I ran stop signs on s.e. 24th at s.e. Ivon Street? Really?
It is now 10:42 and this occurred at approximately 10:25PM. It is a Monday night.
F-YOU Buddy! Like I could not see if a car was coming our way, asshole? Up hill?
I am born in Portland, Ore. 97210
Where do you and your ilk reside and/ or come from Buddy? Please tell ... ?
If you intend to pass, ring your F-ing bell and say, "Passing on your Left" = No problem.
Your approach? Big problem, .. buddy ...
Go Home to New York City dude. ... Because we are about to "Get a rope."
Look, i live in a shitty residential hotel downtown. Its amazing what ive dealt with here in the past couple years. But jeez, i just wanna drink to death in peace! Why (and how) does every skeezy junky need to get the room next to mine and insist on a weeklong suicide mission? This involves bringing every miscreant they know over( covertly, if needed) and having loud, tweaked out arguements over who sucked off who for how much, who took too much frm who, or just loudly becoming a slum decorater at 4 a.m. Please, u seem to live in public toilets, STAY THERE!
I know life is hard. I get it. But would it be too much to ask of you to dispose of your fucking needles properly? Tossing them into my bushes is a fucked up thing to do and only puts me at risk when cleaning up my yard. Fuck you and your HIV/HEP-C having arm you fucking assholes.
Hi Buskers. Busking season is gone now. The summer season passed. Leaves falling? Get your fucking ass inside and off the street corner. Temps below 50 at night? Get your fucking ass inside. Dark at 7:00? GET YOUR FUCKING ASS INSIDE.
There are 3 months out of the year where I will tolerate your Tibetan horn thing, buckets, electric guitar with amp, acoustic guitar with some kind of Bob Dylan cover, flute, fiddle, keyboards, triangle. Now it's war. Now I stand in front of you and crow at people passing by to make sure you don't make money.
Buskers. You suck. Give us a fucking rest.
More of a question than a rant, why do firefighters take their fucking fire engine grocery shopping? It seems like a colossal waste.
After spending a week back in my home state, I realize I am not looking forward to returning to my adopted home of Portland. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be around people who are open, warm, direct, caring, and genuinely interested in others. Now I get to go back to the aloof, passive-aggressive, cowardly, paranoid, suspicious, xenophobic, closet-racist, elitist, hipster, trashy, sleazy, gentrified redneck pit of despair. I'll be plotting my next escape soon. One can only hope that an earthquake or volcano eventually erases this miserable hole for all eternity.
You are a fat lazy stoner who grows weed under the table and collects food stamps eternally. I have no respect for you or your "art". I have neighbors who suffer- I mean REALLY suffer, working to raise kids and pay bills, while you kick back and masturbate your ego.
Also! Your alcoholism is not cool or romantic. You are old enough to know better; don't you feel like a dick when you are buying beer after you got organic, gourmet groceries with your Oregon Trail card?
May I suggest:
Taking responsibility for your well being: stop milking your misery, it's not cute anymore.
Haven't you wondered why your friends are avoiding you? It's because you have been living in victim mode for years, all the while collecting benefits and making bad art.
I'll admit it: I'm a "hipster." I moved here 5 months ago from Lawrence, KS, to start a new life. Yes, I have tattoos, wear dark, "skinny" jeans, and ride a fixie. My beard isn't very full, but it's passable. Here's the thing: why can't I get any love from my hipster bretheren? We are obviously cut from the same cloth, yet why do you treat me like a leper? I just don't get it. :(
When composing an I, Anonymous, why does everybody direct the letter to the person they are complaining about? Chances are that person/those people will never know about your rantings. I mean, I get it, but why not speak directly to your actual readers? For example, you could say, "So how about this homeless person, sales clerk, bus driver, boyfriend, girlfriend, sister-in-law, random asshole on the street, driver, cyclist, bartender, client, co-worker, customer, pedestrian who really pissed me off?! Here is what s/he did..." That, or simply tell the story in a narrative form using first person, or third of you're that kind. The Dear (insert perpetrator here) template is growing old. Think outside the dear.
look here , i did not fucking sign up for this shit, i don't get up every morning to listen to you as bullshit just spews from you mouth. i work to hard for the shit that i have , do you know how hard it is to be 15 and in your last year of high school? fuck no ,your too damn high to even focus in school. i study every damn waking moment to get a good education , and your damn stalking is NOT helping. all i ever fucking want is for you to just shut the hell up for once in your miserable life you lowlife cock sucking bastard. you do nothing, but follow me around and watch everything i do. but now your breaking into my house and leaving me notes?! stay the hell outta my house and outta my life i don't want your diseased ass around me you sleep with whatever sleazy hoe that comes your way. I'm a grown ass fucking woman and can sure as hell kick your skinny tweaking ass into next week next time you step foot on my property!
So your flourescent light bulbs only last until i lose the receipt that i need to return them because they burned out way before the box says they will.
Thats problem one. Maybe my fault for not saving my reciept. BTW im putting the receipt in the fixture this time so it will magically appear when the new bulbs burn out before they are supposed too. HA!
Problem two: Home Depot refused to recycle the flourescent bulbs YOU SOLD ME. Ok pretty sure thats against the law. So instead of gracefully accepting them from me i jammed them into your flowerbed out front as i left. (Yeah i know some wage slaver just has to go clean that up now but if we all stick together we can fight these greedy corporate fucks!)
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