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Saturday, January 25, 2014

I Don't Want to Date a Mountain

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Jan 25, 2014 at 2:16 PM

Hey internet dating ladies:
We don’t want to date your pet, so stop posting solo pictures of them. What’s your end game on that? “Oh, she seems like a dick, but her pug is SOOOO cute! So I asked her out.”
Hey, here’s a picture of you on top of a mountain…via Google Earth. You’re the 157,000th pixel from the right.
Hey, here you are with six of your friends… and you don’t take a second to point out which one you are. If you aren’t the third girl from the right, can you send me her number? She’s hot.
Hey, here’s a picture of the sunset over the ocean. Cuz we all like those, right? No it’s not strange that you aren’t in it.
Hey, here are pictures of you from at least seventy-five yards away doing outdoorsy things.
This isn’t a trial. We don’t need evidence. Just tell us you like the outdoors, then post pictures of you, from a sane distance. That your friends took.
If all you post are pictures that we need to take to the FBI for enhancement, and then scrutinize with a jeweler’s loupe, then we assume you aren’t comfortable with how you look. Which is a turn off.
All that said… yes, internet dating would make our ancestors sob themselves to death. Why can’t I just ask that beautiful girl at the coffee shop out like a normal human being?
And yes, I know guys are just as bad.

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