I must say, dear co-workers. Of all the groups of people I would've expected to dedicate themselves to science, I wouldn't have expected it to be you lot. Why, there was that time when you, Sally, my manager yelled at me because a single register slip was missing from my till, which of course meant that the customer was going to come in and dispute the purchase. You know, a thing that's happened twice in the last 10 years? And then there's you, dearest Gertrude. An individual so unique in your talents that you somehow got fired, then rehired, then given a raise. All this despite being one of the bleakest, most unlikable people I've ever met. I'm so glad you guys have dedicated yourselves to the scientific method, because that's what you'll be doing when I put out a bowl of gummy bears in the break room. You know, those ones everyone's been talking about that cause torrential diarrhea? I'll be in the basement per usual, enjoying my status as the control group. Cheers.
The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.